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Original poster

Trying for a kid Aged 20?

62 replies

rosielou99 · 14/05/2020 21:06

I was just looking for some advice and insight
I really want a baby and so does my partner. We are looking to take the next big step in our relationship and we are ready to try for a baby. I understand it comes with pros and also very miniscule cons at 20. My family would probably be shocked as they have never seen me as the kid type and they would be happy and also the same for my partner. We also both still live at home but moving out would be something we could do anytime we have just not done it yet. I was just wondering whether anyone here feels that 20 is too young and any experiences from anyone here having a child at this age
Thanks

OP posts:
FourPlasticRings · 14/05/2020 21:50

Yeah, the next big step is moving in together, OP. Not procreation.

How long have you been with this guy? For reference, I met DH at 18 and we had our first kid when I was 27. Generally when you meet earlier on its best to wait longer before having children- people change a lot in their twenties and your partner's brain won't be fully matured until he's 25/26 years old. You may find that you're less compatible as you age.

You need to see how you cope with stresses and strains that come with an adult partnership while living together long term.

I think having a baby is a truly monumental event in your life. You essentially cease to be the main character in your own life- it's now all about the little one. It takes tremendous sacrifice to do it well and it's easy to resent that if you've not given yourself the time pre-kids to do what you want to.

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 14/05/2020 21:52

I had a baby at 20. Wasn't on purpose. She's 14 now. Bloody hard work. Love her to bits but wouldn't recommend it. Especially if u live with ur parents and not together.

fruitbrewhaha · 14/05/2020 21:54

Gosh no, once children come along life is all about them, and it's relentless when they are tiny.

You don't even live together yet. Have a read around MN, there are a lot of threads written by women who settled down quickly with a partner only to discover they are not the prince they thought they were. By then it's too late, they have a child and are left on their own, tied to a guy forever who is shit.

Properly get to know your partner, live together, get married, buy a house, invest in your future, develop a career. Kids are expensive.

Original poster
rosielou99 · 14/05/2020 21:55

Bubblee7 yes we both have stable jobs. We have been together since we were 15 and have actually gone through the process of moving out 3 times in the last year. First time the landlord decided to withdraw his property and return our deposit, second time the letting agents had issues and it took over 4 months to get any answer so we gave up and a few months after that we were shortlisted for a property and we decided to stop looking for a while.

OP posts:
LockedInMadness · 14/05/2020 21:58

Don't you have any career ambitions? Or travel plans?
It's a big world out there.

Bubblebee7 · 14/05/2020 21:59

It doesn’t sound good. Can you see how things don’t always plan out. Would you not prefer to save a deposit for a house and buy? Think about the future long term. The chances of you both been together till your old and grey is unlikely.
What about holidays with your friends? Nights out? Just the simple things in life if someone txts you, you can instantly up and go as you have no real responsibility.
Would your salary be enough to provide a good life for a baby?

RubyDreamsOfRainbows · 14/05/2020 22:00

Gosh there's lots of people here telling you what to do. Enough to make you dig your heels in and say 'What do they know? My DP and I love each other. We feel ready so we've going to have a baby.'

Well, making a positive choice to have a child at 20 is a world apart from a unintended pregnancy. Having babies is hard for everyone regardless of their age or circumstances.

Younger mums have loads going for them. Life is still there for the living once you're a parent and perhaps that perspective nurtures well balanced children.

That said I would want to be really really really really certain the relationship was going to go the distance so moving in together and practicing sharing big life decisions like how you split your money before you have a child together is super-sensible. Good luck OP I bet you make a great mum when the time comes.

TemptedToSleepInTheShed · 14/05/2020 22:01

Why miss out on all the early years and teens - isn’t that the sweetest part? Don’t have a 20 yo

FourPlasticRings · 14/05/2020 22:01

Gosh there's lots of people here telling you what to do.

In our defence, OP did ask...

Ughmaybenot · 14/05/2020 22:06

Honestly, I get it, I went through a phase of feeling the same at a similar age, 20/21. It would’ve been the worst mistake of my life, that relationship wasn’t forever, and it took time for me to see that.
Live together first, see how that goes for a few years. If he’s the one, if it’s forever, what’s the big rush?

ColdCottage · 14/05/2020 22:07

I would say live together and enjoy that for a few years.

Once everything has opened up take some time and see the world a bit.

I'd say wait until at least 25. Enjoy the time and extra cash for a while but most importantly enjoy each other alone before you have to share each other with a baby. Still lovely but different.

Elieza · 14/05/2020 22:11

The next big step is getting a house together ready for having a baby grow up there with you both in due course.

But before that have a life. Once you have a baby you will get very few nights out together as one if you will be watching the child to give the other one a night out. If you have the energy to even go out!

Babies also destroy relationships. Sometimes people have a rosy tinted specs view of it ‘I love him so much I just want to have his baby and we all live happily ever after’ type idea but the sleep depravation, insane costs involved, the hard work, the being tied to the house as the baby’s sleeping etc can destroy relationships rather than cement them.

Plus you change a lot in your twenties. You could grow apart. You could end up a frazzled single mum to twins with hardly any money as you can’t afford childcare...

Take some time to enjoy being together and going fab holidays after lockdown. Live your dreams. As once you have a kid you won’t be able to!

You have the rest of your lives together. There’s no rush to procreate!

Aria2015 · 14/05/2020 22:11

I had my first baby at 33 and I wouldn't change it. I'd been with my dh over 10 years by that point so we knew each other really well and we'd also experienced loads of travel and holidays. Stuff we could only dream of doing now we have a child! Having a baby is amazing but it sets you down a path where you're always second to your child's needs. I don't resent it, but I think that because I had the chance to put my needs first for the whole of my twenties (plus a bit more).

It's obviously your decision but I'd say enjoy putting you and your wants and needs first for a bit before giving that up for a child. Enjoy moving in together. Maybe buying somewhere. Enjoy holidays. Enjoy time with your friends. Enjoy being spontaneous! Then have a baby.

MoonW · 14/05/2020 22:17

I’m not so much focused on your age, but more your living situation.

If you are still living with your parents then really it’s not just your life you are going to be changing if you decide to have a baby, as it’s going to be your parents home turned upside down and also coping with a baby crying in the night, baby equipment (which can take up a lot of room) etc.

I really think you need to get your own stable living accommodation sorted first and see how you & your partner cope together 24/7 and then consider expanding your family. You may be grateful for the time for just the two of you to have more experiences that you can then go on to tell to your children x

VisionQuest · 14/05/2020 22:23

Yes it's too young. I can promise you, there are more than 'minuscule cons' to having a child.

I think you need to live together properly for a couple of years first and then if you're sure you would rather have a baby than travel/advance your career/enjoy your freedom etc then go for it.

Giganticshark · 14/05/2020 22:27

I got pregnant just 5 months into a relationship. I was 20. 12 years later we're homeowners, 2 kids, careers, holidays.

Its been hard at times. But we have a great flippin life!
I will point out though that staying together in your parents houses isn't the same as living together in your own home. There's financial elements to organise, who cleans what? Will you get pissed off at each others habits? Etc

NC4Now · 14/05/2020 22:56

It sounds like you’ve been unlucky with your living situation but what would you do if that happened and you had a baby to provide for?
It’s just not all in place yet.
People (myself included) fall pregnant accidentally and have to cobble together the best they can in the circumstances but surely it’s better to have a secure, comfortable pregnancy where you can focus on growing into a family, rather that the stress of moving in together, setting up home and providing for a baby all at once?

Doyoumind · 14/05/2020 23:04

Just don't. If you can't see the cons you aren't mature enough for this. You think you are but when you are 30 you will look back and know you weren't. Why the rush? Do you really want to go from living at home to having a baby? Just have fun when you are young and don't ever plan to have a baby with someone you've never lived with.

SpillTheTeaa · 14/05/2020 23:23

I think the best thing is living together first. Staying over isn't the same.
I don't think 20 is too young and I think it's personally up to you.

LockedInMadness · 14/05/2020 23:27

Presumably they haven't even been 'staying over' during lockdown as they are both in different households.

StylishMummy · 14/05/2020 23:37

I was 23 when I had DD1 but I'd bought a 3 bed semi at 20 and was married, so entirely different to your circumstances. Medically advised to have children earlier so that's what we did, it's only years later that our friends are starting to follow suit

neonlightss · 14/05/2020 23:42

I had a baby young, we weren't living with parents though. It was the making of DH, it focussed his mind and we are now very successful, own a nice house, flash cars, holidays etc. But it was tough initially. I do think you should move in together first and honestly get married before babies.

quarantinevibes · 14/05/2020 23:50

Conceived when I was 19 and had him at 20. Me and dp hadn’t been on a holiday together yet or lived together. Like you I thought it would be all sunshine and roses we had been together since 15. You don’t know someone until you live with them for at least a year. Also my son was born with severe additional nerds and attends a special school now. My life revolves around caring him and haven’t had a career. So to say your risks are minimal Is a bit naive as we were both young and fit and didn’t expect to be a full time carer due to wanting a baby.

Beeep · 14/05/2020 23:59

Why the rush? You should have another 70-80 years together why the need to race to have a baby.

Poppy9090 · 15/05/2020 01:32

@rosielou99 I’m 20 and me and my partner have been trying to conceive for 5 months now, I don’t think it’s too young at all as I know this is the right time for us. However we do have a house and moved out together 3 years ago now. How long have you been with your partner? We still have things to get done before we have a baby but know we can sort that before I gave birth. I’m ready to do what makes me happy and our parents have all said they are ready and waiting for grandchildren! Do what makes you happy but try and get a house maybe first then you can try to conceive in peace lol.. good luck to you x