39, ttc #1 for 16 months, going a bit bonkers! Hope needed...

[Topette]

Hello MNers. I just need a safe place to say how hard I’m finding things, and hope for a bit of understanding as in real life I’m the only person I know who wants a baby but hasn’t been able to have one. Friends and family are supportive but they don’t get it - as they were all mums by my age... I’d also value any happy stories or advice on handling feeling like all hope of being a mum is gone.

I feel worse today because I just got AF, 2 days late, so had my hopes up (super tired, sore boobs, crying, off meat, weird dreams = all added to the ‘ooh maybe’ feeling). And Coronavirus means no progress with testing, etc. Also it was my last chance to have a child by 40, which feels symbolic even if in reality I’d be just as delighted whatever age I am. It’s fear that I’m passing into ‘really impossible’ territory I think...

I just feel so thwarted, and sad. I only want to have one child, not a huge brood, and it seems so unfair for it not to happen. My life is lovely otherwise, but deep down I’d just really love to be a mum. I get upset by so many stupid things now - even mums moaning about the chaos of trying to work at home with kids off school (I would LOVE to have that challenge!).

We probably can’t adopt, as we live on a houseboat (big enough for three but unconventional), and I’m not sure we can afford IVF as it seems astonishingly expensive for a low-ish success rate. So the pressure to conceive naturally feels huge, and I feel responsible as my partner doesn’t like to talk about conception. He seems a bit ambivalent, like when it was early days of trying he was expecting it to happen ‘too fast’ and now it’s been 16 months he can’t quite process that pregnancy is actually hard to achieve. I think he was scared he had a problem (although tests showed all ok).

I mc’d an unexpected pregnancy in a previous relationship 4 years ago, but other than that I’ve never conceived, even briefly... Tests show things are ok, and my cycle is normal, so on paper I’ve less to worry about than some ttc’ers but... I feel like I’m failing some kind of secret woman test and not having a cause makes me feel powerless.

I don’t smoke or drink, am a healthy weight, eat fairly well (not super healthy but not junk either...) and have tried a bit of acupuncture and visualisation stuff, but none of it seems to matter. Fertility is just so weird!

Anyway, that’s my splurge. To be honest I think bottling it up has made it feel worse. But a bit of hope and understanding would be so nice right now...

Thanks for reading.
X

Don't give up hope love. It took me 2 years to conceive my youngest. He's now 10. It took me a month to conceive my 14year old. I'm 35 & been having unprotected sex for about 6 months now. This month is the first time I've used the clearblue digital ovulation test, so going to see if that works for me, as I've made sure I've had sex when ovulating this month🙈 I'm now worried that I won't fall pregnant again. This getting pregnant malarkey isn't easy for some of us. Try not to stress although I know that's easier said than done. When it took me 2yrs last time I'd given up hope, & as soon as I accepted it wasn't going to happen it happened🙉

I won’t go into the details of my ttc journey because it probably won’t help, but I gave birth to my first at 39. I managed to ovulate eventually by taking co-enzyme q10 and pregnacare max, and getting tested for thyroid / blood clotting disorders / pcos / womb problems. Talk to your GP to see what they can arrange for you at this time - you might be able to get the thyroid / pcos / clotting disorder testing and a telephone appt with an NHS gaene.

Hi @Topette, sorry you are having such a hard time. I can definitely empathise with many of your struggles as I have been ttc number 1 for over a year. Something that has been helping me recently is using a bit of meditation & positive mantras to improve my outlook & get the positive vibes flowing. It helps me relax and reduce the stress of the emotional rollercoaster of TTC. I've no idea if visualisation and this kind of thing can actually improve your chances, but at least I'll be happier in the meantime! I first heard of this when I was looking for fertility yoga and came across a woman called Bettina Rae. Took a while to get used to a new positive thought process but now I definitely feel better about ttc and am going to try and use more of it! Good luck.

Thanks for the kind words of advice and encouragement.

@Chlo2701 it really helps to be reminded that people can spend years trying but actually get good news!

@GrumpyHoonMain my GP shut a couple of weeks ago for everything except urgent appointments so I haven’t been in touch for a while but it’s good to know some other testing options.

And @Skyla01 thanks for recommending the fertility yoga idea, I had no idea such a thing existed but regardless of the ‘result’ it would help to find a way to feel positive about this journey again, as it’s become this weird experience where I’ve lost all the excitement I felt when we started ‘allowing’ it to happen...

I thought it would take a few months of simply ‘letting nature take her course’, then ‘a bit of planning with OPKs’... but now I know my cycle inside out which weirdly makes it stressful - I get het up knowing it’s ‘the time’ and worrying if we don’t have enough sex... whereas when I got accidentally pregnant before I had literally no idea about any of this, and was very, very surprised (couldn’t quite believe it was real until sadly miscarried).

It’s been a relief to actually post how I feel on MN as previously I just read threads. It’s like letting myself accept this is where I’m at. Thank you for making this a place where we can open up.

@Topette I think accepting that the process isn't going to plan can be a big step in working out how to go forward without being overly stressed or upset by it. Given that our bodies are cycling all the time it's almost impossible to forget about it all! But if we can dampen down the negative thoughts and try to be upbeat at least we'll be happy while we are waiting for our BFPs.