“You don’t want to the pregnant with this going on”

[kcf90]

Anyone else sick to death of being told this?

I’ve been trying over a year, was just about to be referred to specialists and then the lockdown started. I am struggling with depression at the moment, mainly due to not conceiving to date and all this pushing our journey back so much longer than I ever expected.

I feel like everyone I speak to just thinks I should be grateful I’m not pregnant right now. And I get it. But it is still killing me!

Just need a shoulder to cry on :(

tiggertogger if you were 39 and had been ttc for a year with no luck would you really stop now and risk never having a child? Or risk having a child even later with the increased chance of downs etc? I very much doubt it. It's not selfish at all (or at least no more selfish than any decision to bring a child into the world).

Thank you all so much for the replies. It’s such a relief to hear that I am not the only one feeling like this. And I do appreciate every single view and send all my love to those who are pregnant and scared. I completely understand why people say it and I am scared to bring a child into the world. But I’ve felt that a long time, the world is far from perfect. I’ve watched my younger sister just bring her 2nd baby into the world last week and they’re doing great and are happy and safe. It was scary but the end outcome is a perfect baby girl.

I didn’t mean to sound selfish. I’ve wanted children for several years but for various reasons the trying got pushed back and I have so many regrets right now, this would be my 1st. I will carry on trying.. because I still don’t think I’ll conceive right now anyway. I’d just got abnormal test results day’s before the lockdown and my referral is now on hold. I don’t know if there is anything I can do but wait and keep trying and hoping. I’ve spent a lot of the lockdown in tears already so don’t think I’m helping myself.

If anyone has any suggestions on fertility books and things that helped them with stress of trying then that would be greatly appreciated ❤️

OP I would highly recommend the books ‘It starts with an egg’ and ‘taking charge of your fertility’.

@luckystar1 thank you, I’ll check those out! Xx

Totally understand its quite annoying to hear that. I'm keeping going. Been trying 8 months and I knew it was risky trying for this month but I did and look at that not pregnant. I'm keeping going because I don't have age on my side.

@tiggertogger you are the definition of a nob and many other things...

Seriously, do one!!!

Some women have been battling fertility issues for years - what gives YOU the right to tell people they are selfish, destructive and effectively deny people the right to a family?!

We have been long having families in much much worse times than this!!! We had babies through the war, bird flu, swine flu, SARS etc etc. It's very likely that in 9 months time (that is of some of these women are lucky enough to get pregnant) things will have much better improved in regards to the virus.

Been ttc baby 1 for almost 2.5 years now. Investigations into why we haven't conceived yet have been put on hold indefinitely.

I fucking hate this pandemic. Almost as much as I hate the privileged folk who have already had their babies or who have chosen not to have any and are now judging those who are struggling.

I think it's more because the virus is so new, nobody can be certain of the short/long term impacts if you do catch covid when pregnant. It's all guesswork at the moment. Unlike flu etc nobody can be sure how it affects pregnant women or unborn babies.

I guess it's balancing that risk against the necessity to conceive ASAP, I would never judge anyone for choosing to continue ttc.

Also probably meant as a slightly clumsy platitude to people that are struggling ttc.

Try not to take it to heart

so caught in a destructive bubble where your only care is getting pregnant but doing that endangers your life and others

I would love to hear you give an example of any human pregnancy in history that didn't carry a possibility of endangering lives.

I had a good think about this last night. My OH is five years younger than me so I’ve waited over a year to even start trying until we were both fully ready. I desperately want a baby and there is nothing I think about more. It’s not easy, it doesn’t just happen and it’s heartbreaking month after month when AF shows up. This isn’t going to last forever and if we are lucky enough to get pregnant soon then I’m sure everything will be fine by then. You do what’s best for you.
This would be our first baby so what I’m worried about now is the whole experience maybe not being enjoyable. If my OH wasn’t allowed to attend appointments or scans with me, I’d be really upset by that and I think he should be there so I’m thinking of hanging off for a month or two and hoping this calms down.

@tiggertogger really?? The whole point in this thread is to avoid negativity around TTC at this time. Please take your sour opinion to a more appropriate thread, although I’m sure there are many other ladies that share this opinion, this is far from the right place to vent.

I for one am still TTC, I could get pregnant this month, or it could even be years. The TTC journey is hellish enough to begin with. If we all waited til the perfect time to have a baby, there wouldn’t be very many babies in the world. Yes there are more difficulties right now, but who’s to say what is round the corner?
Stay safe everyone x

We have paused trying because of Covid. I wouldn’t put it in the words @tiggertogger has but I think the NHS probably would benefit if people that could wait did so. But I understand that not everyone feels that they have the luxury of time so I would never judge anyone for continuing to TTC at this time.

I would give anything to still be pregnant right now as we would have been due next month. It would have been so, so scary and stressful, but I’d take my live baby over a miscarriage any day. And of course we have started trying again and it is not as simple as something you can plan down to a T. We had no idea this Pandemic would be happening when we got pregnant in the fall. It seemed safe enough. This too shall pass and the world will settle and feel safe once more. It is all in perspective my love. Don’t let the people get you down. They have such a limited perspective when they say this and they don’t understand the love you already have for your future child

Is there ever a really good time to conceive? As someone who is pregnant right now, (8 weeks to go), I would do the same again and not wait. As long as you are prepared that you might not have your partner at scans and may have to self isolate etc. I think people should generally keep their unhelpful opinions to themselves.

Totally agree! We are starting cycle 22 now and not stopping, it could take even longer! Hopefully it won't but you never know! This is also my first time at trying so I'm not stopping for anyone!

I'm 8 months pregnant and is doesn't feel like the best timing to be honest. BUT after years of infertility and multiple rounds of IVF and miscarriages, I certainly wouldn't change it!

Not as such related to infertility, but we live abroad and when we were expecting our third baby we obviously had no one around so had decided that if baby came early DH would stay home with the two DC and I would go in alone. As it was my mother came out for a visit and baby came on the due date so we didn't have to, but I was fully prepared to go in on my own. Re scans and appointments, I always go to those on my own. DH is always busy and tbh unless there was something wrong, the appointments are fairly mundane. The only ones he tries to make are the anomaly scans.

I'm going through something similar OP.
I think it's natural for people to try and make you feel better by telling you to 'look on the bright side,' but it's so infrequently actually helpful. Especially when they've had the fortune of the thing you're so longing for yourself.

I heard a wonderful phrase recently 'no empathetic sentence ever started with the words "but at least."' I agree with it entirely but still have to remind myself not to do it sometimes in other circumstances!

Agreed op im sick of it. Its 99.9% people who already have children telling us we shouldnt ttc now. If not now then when? In 2 months? 3? 6? A year? They dont understand what ttc means to some of us who just want a child after losses or not even seeing a line on a test. So far scientists have said they dont think it would affect foetuses although they think vertical transmition in 3rd trimester is very likely. But it is grating hearing pregnant women or women with kids telling us not to get pregnant.

The issue isn't so much that is a strain on the health service, but that is an unknown illness.

No one has been in the first trimester with this bug, and had their baby yet. It might be that catching Covid 19 in the first trimester is fine. It might result in birth defects or long term problems.

Right now, we can make guesses based on other Coronavirus's but it's just a guess. It could be like the flu and be on, or it could be like rubella or Zika. I guess we know that it doesn't have a massive effect on misscarriage rates (as that would be easy to work out) or obvious problems that could be picked up on scans, but in the same way that I wouldn't want to chug amnuntested medicine in the first trimester, I'm not sure if want my child to be the Guinea pig of whether Covid + pregnancy =ok.

So, unless time is such an issue (ie TTC at 40+) then waiting until we at least know that women have had babies safely is just safer IMO, but it's a risk every woman needs to weigh up for herself.

I’m with you op

I’m expecting a baby soon and anytime I see someone pass judgment on someone TTC at this time it makes me feel uncomfortable

Many people don’t have the choice

A lady who was on morning tv talking about TFMR a few months back is now posting on her instagram at how she doesn’t think this is a good time for being pregnant. I think it’s quite insensitive

Its personal choice. For me, we have stopped ttc DC2. However if I didnt have DD I may feel very differently about it. With DD I have a complicated pregnancy and traumatic birth and postnatal period. Both me and DD could have died, we were horribly neglected on the postnatal ward and that was fully staffed then. I have said I just couldn't go through it at the moment if women cant have doulas with them. I've felt pressure from both sides. My DM echoed the thank god you're not pregnant at the moment whereas some pregnant friends are aghast we've stopped ttc which mostly seems to be to make themselves feel better about their current experience. Do what feels right for you. Be mindful and aware of the current situation but that doesn't mean life has to stop.

I am not currently ttc. The thing is that of you got pregnant next month then your first appointment would happen after the first peak of the illness and who know what it will be like when the baby is born but it is unlikely to be as bad as giving birth now. If I was young and fit and had time on my side I would definitely wait a year or so before ttc but I have been where pp are. It took years, miscarriages and 3 different recurrent miscarriage clinics to have my DD. I might consider pausing for a couple of months but no longer. For people saying that it is selfish, one of my clinics was an NHS recurrent miscarriage clinic. It was selfish to use precious NHS resources to try and have a child of our own. It was selfish of me to keep on trying when I knew I was likely to be using precious resources being back in the EPU time and time again to be told that I was losing another. It was selfish to be going in when I was bleeding with my successful pregnancy, 3 times in the first trimester, to learn that baby was still alive. There was nothing that they could do for me anyway, I knew that. We were struggling to buy cancer drugs for every patient who needs them before this. Why should I take priority? However I regret nothing. DD is the sweetest, most character filled little lady and she makes my life complete. I spent 20 years of my life doing research into lifesaving cancer treatments and 3 years in healthcare. I did my bit in many ways and DD is my reward. It is selfish for all the people who can get pregnant easily to have children too. Their pregnancies and births cost the NHS too. It is such a hard journey and with time pressures added to it. Please don't make women who are in that situation feel worse.

If you got pregnant could you cope with spending the entire pregnancy isolated without seeing friends and family. We were planning to ttc soon and I am so glad not to be pregnant. My sister is pregnant and already really frightened. She is worried she won’t be able to see any of us until after the baby is born.

I’ve been trying for 18 months. Finally got the courage to book a doctors appointment and then this happened and it got pushed back