Is anyone else’s DH not that bothered?

[PlomBear]

He said he wanted to try for a baby this year but was being a bit slow. So I forced his hand by “losing” the condoms when we moved house in January. He’s now happy to have sex without condoms and hadn’t mentioned it since.

Last month when I was late and got a very faint positive line he was all “okay cool.”

He won’t take male conception vitamins but is happy to pick up mine. He’s started to eat healthier and exercise more and I asked him not to drink soya milk and he stopped.

He’s earmarked the spare room for the nursery.

Are most men like this - just not seeing bothered?

He sounds like he is making an effort! Perhaps it's just his way of going about it? My OH isn't keen on talking about TTC, he doesn't find it helpful, but is happy to do the DTD bit 😂 I think it must be a very different experience for men and women to go through - we rapidly become so in tune with our body and fixate on every detail whereas they don't really get any of that. I'd give him a bit of breathing space about it, or maybe ask him how he feels if he is receptive to that kind of approach?!

You got a faint positive so therefore you are pregnant, or am I missing something?

He seems pretty bothered...

So I forced his hand by “losing” the condoms

But I don’t think I’d ever get over feeling uncomfortable about that. I’d want him to make the decision too, to say that he wanted to start trying and stop using condoms now. Being fine with a pregnancy if it happens is different to wanting to try, and you’ve robbed yourself of that a bit. Any chance that’s playing on your mind and that’s why you feel he’s not as invested?

FilledSoda - my period came so I wasn’t pregnant despite the very faint positive! No idea what that was about.

He had the option to buy new condoms, it wasn’t like I was forcing him to have unprotected sex with me. I pretty much said “well as we don’t have any condoms why don’t we start trying now” and he didn’t disagree.

He was offered an operational tour at work (he’s a military officer) but turned it down as I said I wanted to get pregnant this year.

Oh , it was a chemical pregnancy. I'm so sorry , I've had that happen to me. I think it's because implantation didn't occur and the modern tests are very sensitive.
I wouldn't be too concerned about your dh. It isn't as real for him yet .He'll be delighted when it happens .

I hope he bothers his arse with the kids a bit more when they come along in due course and is t one of those lazy dads that expects you to do everything for the next 16 years because ‘you were the one who wanted babies’...’

I tried to phrase that as if I was not judging your decision or trying to make it sound as if you were tricking him into having kids, but I think i failed.

I just wondered if it was worth considering that you might feel like he’s as bothered as you are if he showed you that somehow... he’s avoided that completely. He’s done a rather stellar job of doing nothing at all.... he didn’t choose to try, he didn’t go to buy new condoms, he’s done nothing. He’s just sat it out like a passer by.

My dh was like this. Even through the pregnancy he kind of went along with everything but wasn't overly excited or instigating anything we needed to do. He wasn't against it or anything, it's just his way,

Once dc arrived he was head over heels and is an amazing and completely devoted df.

With dc2 he was much more involved and interested during planning conception and pregnancy.

I think TTC can be quite hard for men. With biology being the way it is it's necessarily up to the woman to track cycles and I could see some men feeling frustrated by the fact that they can't really have much of a meaningful impact there. I don't think it can be a nice feeling, feeling that there's not much they can do except be moral support and provide sperm when required. Hell, even the DTD part is a lot of pressure for some guys.

So I'm not surprised that some men try to hide from the pressure by mentally checking out a bit. Easier to think "I'll let her take the lead on everything" than to instigate, even though that's not a fair or sensible approach. I'm not excusing it, but I do sympathise a bit. OP, I completely understand you wanting to see a bit more overt enthusiasm from your husband, but I think as long as he is doing his bit, improving his lifestyle to ensure good sperm quality, etc., then all is okay for now.

And of course, in saying TTC can be hard for men, I'm not at all saying it isn't hard for women! It's just a bit of a shitty time and can make everyone involved a little irrational.

I think men are just a bit like that. Yours doesn't sound too bad. I've has the same feelings with mine. Only, I've got to the point where I've pushed the conversation and pointed out he doesn't seem bothered. But mine is kind of like this with anything, was the same when we were buying a house together. It's always me driving.

I buy our conception tablets. He's cut down drinking because I moan about it. 😂 But nothing much else has changed. We are DTD if I command. Although I'm trying not to this month and hope it happens more naturally, it isn't really fun having to do it at given times.

But the first month we kind of did it by accident too. He never said anything. Neither did I. But then it bothered me so I had to say something in the end. We had discussed it in the past obviously. And I'd said I wanted to after we got married. But I think I need some official green light interest and he just doesn't operate like that. And I've bought it up a few times to check he's actually ok with it because I still wonder sometimes. He says he is. So not much else i can do. For us though, its harder to switch off to.

He does sound bothered.

But going off what someone else said, are you equal contributors to the running of the house?

Whats wrong with soya milk?

Maybe he doesn’t want the pressure of it- to not put pressure on you by talking about it constantly? To not want the pressure of sex about having a baby, just to enjoy it?

He sounds like he’s very invested in it, turned down a tour at work due to baby, earmarked the spare room for a nursery, he’s eating healthy and drinking less.

I didn’t take vitamins - didn’t make DH take them either - I did when pregnant but to be honest life goes on. TTC can be v quick or can take months. / years, life doesn’t stop in that time.

He has said he wants to try for a baby.
He is unprotected sex
He is turning down work opportunities
He is buying your pre-conception vitamins
He is adjusting his diet & lifestyle
He has picked a nursery room

I think you're fine. He wouldn't be doing any of the above if he wasn't interested.