We lost our baby at the end of January at 24 weeks. She was called Maya. I’ve just started my period for the first time since she was born and I’m feeling so overwhelmed with the stress and emotion of trying again.
I don’t know if I can do it. I want to, but I can’t deal with the organised sex and the obsessive pregnancy tests, the two week wait, not drinking (although I’ve only been back drinking for the last 2 weeks or so), taking all the vitamins, being unable to plan anything further than four weeks ahead, the heartbreak, the scrolling for answers through forums...
I wish I could just not even think about it and get pregnant accidentally. But we want this so badly, we wanted Maya so badly, and I know my body so well, I can’t just “relax” and assume we’ll have sex on the right day at the right time. We probably won’t and it’ll be another month (or two, or three, or five, or nine) until we get pregnant again, and if we DO strike gold, then we’ll be on tenterhooks constantly at every test, every scan, every single thing we do... we’ll be terrified of losing it.
The whole thing just makes me feel sad and tired, and like I will lose all the parts of myself that I love as I focus on just becoming a baby making machine. I want this more than anything now, no baby will ever replace Maya, but we were ready to be parents and we were so excited about it all. I still am ready, but I just wish it were easier.
Sorry for the ramble. This isn’t really even a question to anybody, I just feel really, really sad.