Hi, first time posting here.
I had a MMC last year, found out at the 12w scan and it took 5 weeks to fully miscarry, opted for medical but at a scan 3 weeks later everything was still there so ended with surgery. All extremely traumatic and broke our hearts, it was an unplanned pregnancy but we were so ready and excited.
Now kind of TTC, not putting much thought into it but I can't help obsessing and feeling so extremely down every month when it doesn't happen for us. My best friend got pregnant right around the time I lost mine, it's breaking my heart seeing her doing everything we should have done.
I keep having weird cycles that give me hope every month, I've always had 28 day cycles but have had a few over 30 since the MMC, lowest I've had is 28 but this month I started bleeding CD25, completely out of the blue and no AF symptoms that I get every month without fail. Now 3 days of light bleeding (AF usually starts VERY heavy) and I've just done a CB to check as something just seems off and I'm so insanely nauseous. It was IB that made me test last time I was pregnant so I stupidly convinced myself that this could be the same. Obviously it isn't, got a BFN. I know I'm just winding myself up as I do every month because I just so desperately want to have a baby but these erratic periods are screwing my head up even more. Whenever I'm "late" I get hope that I'm pregnant, I was anticipating being late this month too, prepared myself for knowing it could be up to 5 days later than it should be then it shows up 3 (or 5 according to Ovuview) days early. No point in going to docs because I know they'll just fob me off, I went right before I found out I was pregnant last time because my periods were only lasting 1.5 days and the doctor told me I should just be thankful that I get short periods. Could it still be the MMC affecting my cycle? My first period after the MC was last September so I thought they'd be back to normal by now.
Also, how do I just drop this whole thing? I know a conception board is probably the wrong place to ask this but I just want to know how I let go of wanting a baby and obsessing over symptoms that must just be something else. I want a baby more than anything but I just know it's not going to happen, I just wish I knew how to forget about it all and move on with life. I can't face the disappointment anymore, the jealousy towards other pregnant women or chasing what is only a dream, I just know in my heart that we aren't going to have children.
Sorry for the rambling post, probably doesn't make any sense but I don't have anyone to talk to about this and I just need to get things off my chest.