When others get pregnant...

[elenacampana]

I’m from a close family and have a sister I’ve always had a very strong bond with. I’ve never before felt sad at her happiness so it’s a very alien experience. When she got engaged, I was single and just felt delighted for her and excited about the wedding to come, at which I was Maid of Honour. When she announced her pregnancy 4 years ago, I was over the moon and fell in love with the baby immediately - I’m still in love with the baby, who’s now the best three year old in the world.

I’m married myself now and have been ttc for more than 6 months. We had a miscarriage a couple of months ago, that hit me hard. My sister announced she is now pregnant yesterday and it feels like something bad has happened. I’m dreading scan pictures, finding out the sex, baby shower, the baby chat in the family and the bump when it starts to show. This isn’t like me and I don’t like it. I actually found myself thinking, I’ll have to cut myself off from her now and then realised just how much I’ve been shutting myself off from all pregnant women and anyone with a small child, except for my sister. I feel dreadful about how I feel about this. I want to love this baby as much as I love my niece and feel as invested in it as I always have done with her and I desperately don’t want to damage my relationship with my sister but can’t imagine being in the same room as her at the moment.

I don’t know what to do.

It's just yet another reason why ttc is so crap. I've been trying for dc2 for two and a bit years, including a mc two years ago. It's turned me very bitter!! Other people's pregnancies hurt.

You've only been trying 6 months though. Maybe counselling for the mc is needed?

It’s absolutely normal to feel like this.

Hi, sorry to hear about your miscarriage, it must have been awful and I hope you've been able to get the emotional support you need. Please know that lots of us feel exactly the same way as you do when someone close to us falls pregnant. I had something exactly the same with my best friend falling pregnant very quickly with her second and we've been TTC for nearly a year now. I found being honest wirh someone about how I felt lifted some of the weight off my shoulders and actually they made me realise that my best friend (and I imagine your sister will be feeling this) is feeling exactly the same (guilt) for falling pregnant when she knows how much we also want it.

I imagine your sister will be thinking lots about how she will be around you knowing how much you are ttc. It's really hard but maybe an honest conversation with her might help?

We've all felt like this at some point - what I would say though is that 6 months really isn't that long in the trying to conceive world and if you are relatively young (twenties or early thirties) the odds really are in your favour that it will happen over the next few months

Thanks everyone. It’s lovely of you to take the time to speak to me. I know 6 months isn’t that long and I’m probably catastrophising.

I’m feeling better about my new niece or nephew’s arrival today. I think my niece will really benefit from a sibling as she’s started to seem a bit lonely and like she wants a playmate. As I said, I adore her so anything to make her happy and fulfilled is alright by me. The same goes for my sister, she’s a lovely mum and will give this child a lovely home. And as for me, well I feel sad that it still hasn’t happened for us but we do get so much from our niece and will welcome the new baby with open arms when it comes.

I still feel tearful and sad but I know it will pass. I want to support my sister. I’ll have a chat with her about how I’m feeling if it doesn’t get better than this but really don’t want to rain on her parade either.

Thanks again :-)

Well we spoke a little and she doesn’t understand why I don’t feel excited. I asked her to give me some time and she went mad and said I didn’t understand how I was making her feel.

I tried to be gentle and let her know that I really wish I did feel excited and that I know she’ll be a lovely mum again and that the baby will be lucky to have her.

I think she wants me to feel something I don’t and to act with the same amount of enthusiasm I always have for her life events before this.

She said I was asking her to be pregnant but keep it quiet. That’s not what I’m after. I just don’t want to be so involved with it this time, for the moment anyway. I don’t want to feel like this. I just don’t want her flooding the family WhatsApp with prams, cots and updates with what the baby looks like now. She has so many friends with children to coo over this stuff with, as well as my mum.

Feeling so fed up today!