Choosing the sex of your child in the UK - I know this is a weird question but would appreciate genuine answers

[anxiousandnervous]

Can anyone tell me how I might go about trying to choose the sex of any children I might have in the future? I know it's not supposed to be legally available here but I read something somewhere suggesting it might be possible by going through IVF and having any embryos tested for genetic abnormalities etc. The article said that once you have identified viable embryos there's nothing stopping you from choosing one of the sex you would prefer. Does anyone know if that's true?

Or could I go abroad with eggs I've frozen in this country (I did 2 rounds this year as I'm still single and in my late 30s). I'm thinking I might have to freeze eggs abroad for this to be possible?

Essentially, I'm not naturally good looking and I get a lot of abuse in my day to day life when I go out without makeup on. I find it very upsetting and have never really fully come to terms with it. But strangely I seem to be ugly in all the ways that can be fixed with makeup. It takes hours and hours to do but when I do my makeup like I've learnt to (I've studied the art of creating many optical illusions to make my face look less odd - I can change the proportions of my features) I don't get any abuse or nastiness from anyone. But I'm terrified of having a boy who ends up looking a bit like me and can't do anything about it so is just subject to awful nastiness and abuse his whole life. I am keen to do what I can to have a girl, so if she ends up looking as awful as I do she has some hope of finding a partner of her own one day and escaping from all the abuse that society throws at ugly people.

I'm also terrified of autism and know that boys are much more likely to be affected.

Not sure if this is the best location for this post but open to moving it if anyone thinks it would be better elsewhere.

Please be gentle. I know I'm selfish to be considering having children at all when this might be their life and I also know that they may look nothing like me and be blessed with good looks and all the good stuff that comes with them. But I would really like a family of my own and I want to do what I can to make sure my children have a decent chance in life.

You are in NO position to even consider having kids. You have a lot of issues that are a serious impediment to good parenting.

I don't have any issues other than not liking the abuse I get from strangers, and yes, just because you haven't experienced this or seen anyone else experience it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I have no idea why some of you think I won't love my child unconditionally. I just want to do what I can to reduce the chances of them having an unbearably difficult life - I'm more than aware that none of us can guarantee this.

If I have a girl who looks like me and they don't mind the abuse enough to spend hours doing makeup then that's great. I'm not planning on forcing anything on anyone. I just want there to be a way out from it if they need it and I know that won't come from society at large, as evidenced by some on this thread. If you genuinely think I have issues but it entertains you to tell me I could discuss them with a budgie or if it makes you feel good to suggest that the abuse I get from strangers is somehow something I'm bringing on myself then I don't have much hope for the next generation being kinder than this one and will most definitely be looking into gender selection abroad.

I won't read any further replies. It's clear people are so far removed from the experience I've had in life that they can't muster up any genuine understanding for why you might be desperate for your children to not go through the same.

And abuse is abuse. Whatever the motivation one kind doesn't feel much different from another.

PGS- pre implantation genetic screening for genetic abnormalities such as downs, Edwards, turners. No sex would be made available

PGD- pre implantation genetic diagnosis for screening of a specific gene disorder after you have have had genetic counselling and provided genetic reports with information on the disorder you wish to avoid passing on, in some cases if it passes through the female line for eg you could have an unaffected male embryo transferred

So in short no you can't chose what sex embryo to have back

So in other words, you didn't hear what you wanted so you strop off in a huff. Yeah, this attitude is a really positive to have when becoming a parent . . . said no one ever.

I’m sorry you’ve suffered abuse because of what you look like. Whilst it shouldn’t matter what people look like it is true that being objectively good looking makes life easier in many ways.

I can understand worrying about passing a particular trait on to your children that you don’t like having yourself. I carry a gene mutation and sometimes feel bad that I may have passed it on to my kids (not enough to stop me having them though!) It hasn’t affected me but would’ve done if I’d had children with someone who carried the same gene.

It may be worth trying to work through these issues though rather than having a child who you potentially “fuck up” with your own hang ups. Your child is most likely to inherit a combination of your features and those of their father which don’t open them up to the abuse you’ve suffered. I have three kids who are all technically the same racial mix (i.e. all full blood siblings with mixed race parent) yet two are white and one is brown and none of them look related to each other! All very different, all beautiful kind souls!

But to answer your actual question, you can have gender selection IVF in the US or Cyprus but not here in the Uk.

No one can predict what a child will look like... it may look a bit like you, your partner, a mix of both, or it maybe it won’t resemble either one of you. You should try not to worry too much about this.

As far as being diagnosed with autism...while it seems to be more prevalent in boys, girls too can have it.

Even when it comes to the best looking, the healthiest and the most intelligent parents having a child is always a gamble and you must be ready for anything (good and bad) should you decide to have one.

Good luck OP💐

You're not the only one who's had a hard time of it - lots (if not most) of us have been subjected to abuse at some point out another. I was bullied relentlessly for a medical issue that I have no control over as a child, adolescent and sometimes as an adult too but I was able to talk about it and put it aside.

What you are doing is unhealthy, you cannot project your imperfections and life experience on to a child. Your daughter will wonder why Mummy spends hours trowelling on make up so that she looks different - how do you explain that you need it to make yourself look/feel better about your looks without inadvertently telling her that she needs to do the same because that's what women do. She will pick up on your attitude then if someone innocently points out that she looks like you and so she thinks that means she must be ugly too... And the cycle continues!

Boys are not more likely to have autism. It's just there are more males diagnosed as it manifests differently in girls and they make it better, meaning it's not as easy to diagnose. Having a girl does not guarantee you won't have a child with ASD.

The other stuff - buckets of crazy. You seriously need to seek some professional help and I'm not just throwing it out there lightly.

Mask* it better

What about the father’s genes and looks? The baby could look nothing like you (my children look nothing like either me or DH, but are gorgeous replicas of each other).

It’s illegal to select the baby’s sex for non medical reasons and even then, the reasons are specific. You need to either go abroad or take the gamble that you could have either sex.

A bunch of you have been spectacularly rude to someone who is clearly struggling and vulnerable.

I hope it's made you feel like a superior person. Have some fucking compassion!

What do you suggest, @partysong? Feed her delusion? Explain how she can embryo select?

OP, I agree with pps. I also wanted to point out that your possible daughter will have a lot of years to live before she can start trowelling on makeup, with a mother twitching to get out the foundation and ‘correct’ her. I’m sorry you’ve been verbally abused for your appearance, but don’t have a child with these issues unresolved.

Exactly sleeven and what if DD doesnt want to trowel on the makeup??

OP, I’m sorry you’ve felt like we aren’t listening.

To try to explain, I think the previous posters have been saying what they have because your language is not what one would use if they loved themselves unconditionally.

Do you love yourself unconditionally? If the answer is no, then some counselling to assist with this would be the best gift you could give any future children of yours.

I suppose, it would be about being able to model the behaviour of not being affected by the way other people treat you. Yes it is possible.

Good luck op

Like coco response - kindness. It's not that hard, is it?

I'm also terrified of autism

...wow

Oh OP you really don't sound in the right frame of.mind.to consider a child at all..

OP says in thread title that she wants genuine answers. Gets them. Flounces.

Oh dear OP, I’m sorry you feel this way and I hope you find some kindness both in the world and in yourself.

Just one aside - there isn’t much evidence that autism is more prevalent in boys. Just that it’s probably easier to diagnose in boys and girls are perhaps easier at masking or “passing” as neurotypical.

If you have IVF, or go to another country it would be theoretically possible to select the baby’s sex; but I think you do have bigger issues to address first. And I hope you find the strength to do that!