Extreme fear of pregnancy

[Laur11]

I don't know where to start... i so desperately want to become a mother.. me and my DH love the idea... but i fear i will never become one...

I have suffered with anxiety since i was 16.. i am now approaching 26...

I don't deal well with health issues... I'm a bit weak. 😔

We started trying for the first time this week and we were so excited.. however i freaked out with nerves and went and took the MAP. 😔

All because i am so worried i will be poorly and feel sick throughout and not be able to cope with labour.. even though i can get pain relief. I am terrified of needles.. terrified of a c-section.. I'd have to be put to sleep or i would loose it all together.

I just don't know what to do.. i so desperately want to have a child with my DH.

We really want to have one at this age and my fears are ruining it.. i am on the waiting list for therapy.. but its a 9 month wait.. i need to get this resolved.. i just dont know 😔

@Laur11 I couldn't read and run! I suffer massively from health anxiety (and every other one also). IV had 4 children but the older I become the more scared of everything I get, it's horrendous and I totally feel your pain my lovely. I'm not even sure I'd be good at advising you but I find having a harsh word with myself helpful. How likely am I to have any of those things happen to me (not very), how often have I had an anxiety attack and come though the other end (sooooo many times) it's super hard trying to rationalise irrational fears but we can help ourselves a bit! Id had the worst year last year in hospital many times and even had to be recusitated at one point and it's made me realise that I'm actually one toughy and my body's not made of paper it's as normal as anyone elses, it's my mind and mental health that I have problems with. I do hop you have someone you can talk to about these feeling Hun as not doing so can make it worse. Your welcome to send a message anytime, love and hugs xxx

Oh also I'd like to add that I'm in bed having taking diazepam because I thought I was having a heart attack a couple of hours ago 🤦🏻‍♀️😂!! It's learning to live each day with anxiety that we need to work on as I don't know if it ever goes away? I just didn't want to sound preachy, like ooo I'm so strong minded, be like me 🙄! I'm defo not one of those. Also wanted to say I'm TTC for the last time myself and also shitting a brick so your truly not alone xxx

Are you able to consider paying for private therapy? Are you on any medication to help with your anxiety?

I was in your situation 2 years ago- i hate needles (even though i work in a hospital) and the thought of a cs put me off ttc for years.

A few things that helped me-
Hired doulas- they were amazing for support, information and giving me confidence for the birth ahead. They even came to some of my hospital appointments as back up to protect me being pressured into something I wasn't happy with.

Use Emla cream!! It's brilliant and available over the counter from some pharmacies (Morrison's for me).

Hypnobirthing- check out the positive birth company (I actually used a different one with an mp3 pm me if you want the name as I can't remember it!) But it's useful for any kind of birth or even before that to help you feel calm and in control.

I wanted a home birth (so I could avoid injections and pressure of interventions and just be left to it in my own space) did a lot of research and with the help of the doulas moved trusts to one with a specific team who were amazing. It meant I knew my midwife too. I was actually classed as high risk, but with research and advice from different places I felt safest at home still.

When you do get pregnant speak to the antenatal maternal mental health specialist. Mine was really helpful for chats and managed to arrange for me to have a cs with no drapes with the surgeons if I needed one. Plus you can have things like gas and air for cannulas etc which is less of a battle if you have someone on the inside fighting for you. If you want to be put to sleep and have a planned cs they can do that for you too (again easier if you have a liaison in the trust) but flagging i had anxiety issues really helped get support that would normally be refused straight away.

I felt sick from 10dpo until about 4 months but was only sick twice. Travel pressure bands really helped, plus drink lots of water and eat regularly. In a weird way it turned into a comfort as it meant I could feel my pregnancy before I showed or felt movement. After that I felt pretty good for most of it.

I ended up having the most amazing home birth, tens machine for most of it then the pool with gas and air (for leg cramp!) no examinations during labour, no-one but hubby held her for the first 4 hours after and that was just to put her on the scales! Then all of us back to our comfy bed after.

I still hate needles and still worry I might need a cs if we do it all again, but the pregnancy and birth end up being such a small part of a long journey and all those nights I spent awake and worrying are forgotten. And you never know, you might end up feeling amazing the whole time. Good luck! xx