Partner on the fence

[Sunflowersalways]

If your partner of 5 years said it's entirely up to you if you wanted a baby - what would you say? Im a little dumbfound as i see it as a joint decision....i have my own house he stops in and pays a very minor amount towards his living. he works loads, we have very, very, limited time together where he couldn't help with the day to day stuff and limited finanicial contribution due to his current child maintenance, I have a full on job with 1 1/2 hr commute, I would be completely screwed financially with childcare and organisation and house costs but think I could maybe manage as work is really considerate. he has two previous older teenagers /20s child who I don't see but still funds them as they don't work, so He couldn't financially support mine to an extent. It would be my 1st. Am I mad even thinking it?? I'm 40 and my biological clock seems to be kicking in.....

Personally l wouldn't. He hardly sounds like he wants to have a baby and it is a massive lifestyle change. The way he has phrased it would give him the opportunity to say "why should l get up in the night / wash bottles / contribute 50% of nursery fees / curtail my social life etc -it was you wanted the baby!".

Depends how much you want a child. He sounds like he’s done the baby thing and isn’t fussed, so although he’s not saying you can’t, I don’t think he’d give any practical support - I can’t see him doing night wakings or nappies, or any regular childcare, or support financially?

Basically I think he’s given permission for you to use him as a sperm donor. But it doesn’t sound like he wants to be a father. Do you want a baby enough to be a single mother with a casual boyfriend?

I agree, I think it depends if you want a baby enough that you'd be happy to raise it as a single parent, as it sounds like both financially and practically that would most likely be the case. Personally, if I were 40 and had no children I would probably be happy to accept those terms and make it work, but only you know if you could manage it alone.

Difficult one. How much do you want a baby? If you found another man sharpish then there's still time to do it with someone that wants to. But obviously you are pushing it. If you really want one but aren't fussed about the help/him sticking around, then do it with him.
If you don't want to be left holding the baby, so to speak, then it sounds like it might be a bad idea. He doesn't sound that committed from what you've said above? 5 years is a long time to still be where you are at, with him thinking he can do what he likes?
You could try bringing it up again? Saying you understand he's had kids so it might not be high on his agenda. But explain how you feel. See if he understands and hope interested he really is?

Thank you all so much for all of your comments. Most really resonate and make sense but ive found the whole scenario so confusing. And feel a little stupid to have got 5 years down the line to come to this.

I dont think you are stupid? You don't know what's going to happen as relationships progress. Or how things will change? My friend asked her husband on the first date if he wanted kids, because she did. But most people won't do that! I wouldn't. Lol.
I think you just have to now try and unravel the situation. Maybe he doesn't realise how you've taken what he said? So definitely best to try speaking to him at least once more.

I don't think you're stupid at all. Interestingly, my mum was in a very similar situation with my dad when they had me. By the sounds of it, my dad was pretty on the fence about it, and my mum went ahead and made the decision to have me, knowing that most of the 'burden' would fall on her. They stayed together a while but separated when I was a child (not that I'm saying that will happen to you!) but my mum was a great single parent and obviously doesn't regret it for a second, although I'm sure things were very hard for her at times.

Don't feel stupid. I think it can be hard to know how these things will pan out until the time actually comes. As others said, I would tread with caution as it doesn't sound like he is committed to the idea, and unless you are prepared to raise a child solo you might need to have another (difficult) conversation.

Wishing you luck with finding a way through.

Thanks all. It was something we discussed when we first met and it has so far 'never been the right time' and 'soon'. I think now it's crunch time. I'm more annoyed with myself as now feel I've been strung along with absolutely no commitment for all these years. Things do change as time goes on, I think his feelings towards it have and think he's more than content with how he is now and has just failed to be honest with me. It's just a shame how you think you know someone - but actually don't.

I think men often say what they think we want to hear. It frustrates me because I'd rather have the truth!
I'm sorry though. I hope you manage to work things out, one way or another.

Sorry but there is never a "good time". Good luck with it all.

Xx Thank you for all of your support and advice.