Will I ever feel ready to TTC?

[GojuRyuLover]

Long time lurker, first time poster!
Sorry if this is a silly thread but just struggling with this.

I'm 26 this year and got married last year. Own a house with DH.
We do want children one day but I see this as something in the distant future (if it's even possible, never TTC).
My DM thinks I should get a move on and have children already (she hasn't pushed this but has mentioned it in passing when talking about familes, i'm not offended by her opinion but I don't feel the same), so she will be able to spend more time with her grandchildren, if I did have children. She had me when she was in her early 20's and thinks this is the best time for children.

Obviously I would want my children to have as much time as possible with their grandparents and the younger I have children, the more likely that is and the more likely I might be a grandparent one day who can spend time with my possible grandchildren. I know this is an assumption and nothing is guaranteed though.

BUT I just don't feel ready. I don't feel like a 'real adult' and selfishly, I like my life and don't want to 'give up myself' for children. [I have facebook friends who are my age and have children and they (although very happy about it) have said they have completely given up themselves and dedicated their lives to raising their children. This description of having children quite scared me].

Will I ever be 'ready' to have children? Or should I just start trying when I think I should and I will be suddenly 'ready' if I did get pregnant? Is the fact that I'm even writing this/thinking like this proof that I am definitely NOT ready? How do people even decide things like this? We're financially stable and responsible so the only question is if/when we are ready emotionally.

This seems quite ridiculous to write down, please be kind. It's been on my mind for a while.

I can understand your position and i don’t blame you at all. I used to be like you until a year ago- turning 31 in may.
I thought I’d be the one without kids and even though i like them i wasn’t ready to give up my life.

But then met DP and everything changed and i experienced a lot and lived and decided i really badly want to have this life and give all my time and energy to my kids and my family.

But never in a million year would i have thought to be that person even two years ago :)

So my advice is take your time and live your life!!! What others do is their business.
What your mum thinks too.
This is YOUR life

And you will probably be a better mum if one day you want to start TTC when you really want it.

Good luck

honestly dont rush, time is on your side, baring any unknown medical issues.
Aside from enjoying your life selfishly (as you should), how far are you into your chosen career, would you want to take years off to raise children, is that something you could do now?

If you're not ready then just wait. It's your personal decision and nothing to do with anyone else (apart from dh).

Personally when I was 26 we were care-free and enjoying our life together. Had ds at 28.

Don't rush into having children because it's what other people think you should do. It's your life and you are still young, enjoy it!

I'm mid 30s, only been married 18 months and currently pregnant with my first baby. I spent my 20's and early 30's living for me. I got a degree, built a career, travelled and enjoyed every minute of it. I definitely wasn't ready to have kids before now and don't regret waiting at all. I can now kick back a bit and enjoy my husband and baby without feeling like I'm missing out on anything.

Moral of the story is - it's your life and you only get one. Do what's best for you, on your own terms and in your own time.

I'm 37 and still don't feel ready. Would I rather have a ten year old at 37 rather than a new born though? Yes.

Thanks for your responses.

@Michette I have a friend who had her first baby when she was 30 and she's the most amazing mum. This is one of the reasons that I am happy to keep waiting because I know it was the right choice for her. Maybe it would work out for me, too.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers I am still training but will complete my first level this summer (if I pass) and then one more year until I am fully qualified. Already been in my current job a couple of years and they are paying for my training. So jobwise, I should probably wait until I am fully qualified before TTC, or maybe even a little longer.

@firstimemamma Thank you! I know it's my personal decision but I can't decide haha. I feel like I do want children but I couldn't actually imagine HAVING them. I think my life is pretty good as it is. But I just feel pressure sometimes. DFIL often comments about how he'll have more grandchildren soon (from us ) but we have never even spoken to him about the possibility of us wanting to try. A lot of people just assume that that's what we should do.

OMG wait, you have lots of time. You can never get that time back. Just keep talking with your DH so you know what page you are both on.

People are having babies later and later. I didn't even meet my now DH until I was 34! We've now got two kids.

I mean you can't get the time back when it's just you and your other half, that you are fancy free and can just go out to the cinema together if you want on a random tuesday night. Sleep in at the weekends, spend all afternoon in the pub.

My kids are the best thing that has ever happened to me but I'm still wistful for those days!

I definitely think wait until you are ready. The only thing I would say is it doesn't necessarily happen for everyone quickly, so hard to know when to plan. Saying that you have a good few years before you even have to start thinking about if your age is a factor in your chances of conceiving etc.

I'm the same age xx

I had my first at 19 and another 2 at 27&29, I would say having never had that "freedom" I didnt miss it, I never felt ready to be a mum on any of the births haha, and at 44, my youngest is nearly 15, i have met the live of my life and hoping to conceive... 50/50 chance of this happening. I think you never stop bring a mum, my eldest is 25 and still needs me but its really rewarding too. I would say you will never really feel ready to give up all your free time, but I cant quite describe the countless blessings I have felt having my children, the worrying but the absolute joy too. I've never regretted being a mum.

So jobwise, I should probably wait until I am fully qualified before TTC, or maybe even a little longer I really would wait then, regardless of equality a woman's career inevitably takes a massive hit. Climb as high as you can before you have children, give yourself options from that perspective.

Your mum is in her 40s, there's loads of time! I'm just coming round to the idea at 31 and the grandparents will be 60s and 70s

Thank you for your replies, everyone! I know I should wait until I'm ready, I just feel pressured sometimes (even though I know I shouldn't).

@Jackiebrambles Yes, that's what I like about our life right now. It's always something to consider: 'Who can look after the dogs? Can they come too?' but obviously a child would take more looking after. We do like to spontaneously pop out and do something nice and only have to consider who will dogsit atm. I'll take my time and enjoy life for now. Perhaps we can wait a couple of years then start casually trying.

@ceebee21 I know it can take a year or two of trying sometimes. I just don't know which is the right thing to do. I can see positives and negatives of waiting. Maybe i'll aim to start trying at 28 but it might take until I'm 30? I'm really aware that some people my age have two children and love their lives and some are single and also love their lives. I love my life too but I feel I am in the middle ground where I could easily go either way (but I can't decide how I feel).

@Ylladyoll That's what I think I would be like haha, never ready but be suddenly ready once there's a baby here. Good luck TTC!
Thank you for your input! It's hard to imagine how it would feel to be a mum but thank you for telling me how you feel. I definitely want to do it one day.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers Thank you, I will. I feel like I owe it to my company to work fully qualified for a year or so at least before going off on maternity anyway. Especially since they are paying for my training. It is a job where I could WFH easily but it's not in my contract so I don't know how my boss would feel about it.

@Parkandride Thank you! I hope so, I do know what she means though. I suppose my Auntie is in her 60's and her GC is a toddler. My mum has a lot of friends older than her so maybe she feels like she should have GC because of that. Of course, I won't TTC just because my parents and PILs want GC but it would be nice for them if we decide we are ready.

@GojuRyuLover it is very hard I must admit. We decided I would get my implant removed in August last year and just see how it went... We were going to wait until this year and then try but thought why not. Here I am having fallen pregnant straight away, then suffered a MMC and chemical pregnancy since then. So in a way glad I didn't wait. But then again, I could also be 6 months pregnant now, you just never know what is going to happen until you start trying, it's really difficult xx

You 10000% clearly aren't ready and there is NOTHING wrong with that!

Wait it out, enjoy your life and start when you feel ready, this needs to be a mutual decision between you and your DH.

I am 28, bought a house with my OH 18 months ago and just over 12 months ago, the utter thought of even having a baby made me feel awful. I absolutely did not want them and was convinced it would be the end of my life (even though I've always wanted children). Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, my mind changed and I wanted to start trying. I waited for about 6 months to ensure I was 100% about still wanting children and then had the conversation with my OH. At this point I was desperate and sadly now I've been trying for 5 cycles and no signs of being pregnant any time soon.

The best advice I can give is wait until you are ready but started preparing your body as early as you can to start TTC (off contraception for a few months before trying)

You say 30 like that's ancient! I have relatives who had children in their late thirties - 37+ - in the 1950s and 1960s, having only started having children post 30, and it wasn't considered noteworthy.

Waiting until your thirties to have children isn't some new and recent "invention".

I think it's more important that you are mentally ready and doing so because it's right for you, not because it's what others want or you think society expects.

@ceebee21 Oh no, I'm sorry I hope things work out the way you want them to.
Yes, I know there's no way of knowing when/if I would get pregnant once I'm ready to try. But I would like to be 'ready' before I come off contraception.

@Beau2020x Thank you. Hopefully I will all of a sudden decide I am absoloutely ready. I just can't imagine myself wanting to actually have children, even though I want them. I know that doesn't make sense though haha.
I hope things work out for you

Thank you, is this better for the pregnancy if I have been off contraception for a few months before trying? Or just more chance of getting pregnant?

is this better for the pregnancy if I have been off contraception for a few months before trying? Or just more chance of getting pregnant?
Every body is different OP, dont come off contraception unless you are ready to conceive, I became pregnant straight after coming off contraception. You will hear stories of people who took months/years. Truth is you wont know your own fertility until you test it.

If contraception took a while to leave your body you wouldn't take the pill every day and no one would get pregnant if you missed one! Like a pp says - don't stop until you're ready

26 is still very young. 30s is plenty time!

@GojuRyuLover Thank you, is this better for the pregnancy if I have been off contraception for a few months before trying? Or just more chance of getting pregnant?

Of course it is - this is almost always recommend by GP's to have at least 3 'normal' cycles before trying however I do know they can also tell you to start trying straight away. It's just advised to wait a while. Everybody is different. I'd say 25% of people I know conceived right away and the rest anything from 6-12 months.

First time poster also :)

I'm 28 and have had 'the comments' made to me since I was 23 (my parents were 19 +20 when they had me so I'm 'behind on life' as they say..) but I knew it was not the time and if I'm truly honest I didn't see the relationship I was in as something that I saw continuing forever. I would turn 'the comments' into a joke and shrug the situation off.

I have now been with a new partner for nearly 6 years and we've been living together for 3 years and we've had the talk and feel it's the next step for us to take - not that anyone around us is aware of this. Honestly, on paper we probably aren't ready! Due to work commitments and a few logistical issues but we've decided that we will make it work when/if the time comes!! I see it as we're extremely fortunate to be able to pick and choose (for lack of a better phrase) so what will be will be - there are so many unplanned pregnancies that work so why not one with a tiny bit of prep! :)

You know what feels right as does your partner; you do what you want when you want - never let anyone else make you feel bad for not conforming to their ideal thoughts.

Ironically, no-one has made 'the comments' for a few years, ha!

I had my first child at 30.. it was perfect for me because I had travelled , got a career and happily settled . I did t want to go out when they ere Young because I had done all that stuff.. and was happy ...

Totally agree with what others said. Don't try now, build your career, travel, go out, get drunk, do sports/ hobbies, go out even more. Reassess at 30. See how you feel then