Struggling today - TTC #1 after a MMC

[danielasummer]

I'm not trying to throw a pity party, and I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, but the closer it gets to Christmas I just feel so.. low.

I've spent the morning crying for my baby that I miscarried in October, my DH is away for the weekend in London with friends, I feel as if my friends (who are amazing) don't want to hear any more of my MC, and I don't want to call my parents and cry down the phone to them because they will only get upset too. I just feel so, so alone this morning.

I keep thinking about the bump I should have on Christmas day :( and instead I'm worrying that I won't ovulate this month because I'm so stressed ABOUT ovulating and TTC. My head is all over the place and I just feel so devastated.

Is it normal to be worrying so much about TTC? Should I be 'over it' now since it's been 2 months since I MC? If it makes a difference (I don't think it does, as a loss is a loss), my babe was 7.5 when his/her heart stopped beating. I'm just imagining it happening and I can't get it out of my head.

Trying to stay positive and hold the tears in, especially since my DH is being really positive that it will happen for us and I will carry to term, but I just really miss my lost baby.

@danielasummer hey I responded on the smep thread you set up but I didn't want to leave you hanging girl on here. It is so so hard today isn't it! I'm here for you and so are all the women from that amazing thread you started.

Just let yourself go, this is not something we need to suppress it is a really hard time as we would both be sporting bumps by now and there is this parallel life constantly running beside the one we are currently living where we are pregnant.

This will pass, it will get better, and you will be pregnant and living in the moment again. I feel like we have a lot to still process mentally and emotionally and it's also our bodies way of helping us do this.

One day, one hour at a time we will get through this

@danielasummer sorry to hear of your mmc, they are just horrendous. You're not alone and your feelings are totally normal.

I have to say it took me until after my would have been due date to start feeling like I was in a better headspace but I totally get the feeling of the what should have beens. I keep thinking that I should have had a 6 week old at Christmas and now I wonder if I'll even have one by next Christmas. Two months is still incredibly raw and I probably cried every day for three months. The tears ease and the pain does ease, more slowly granted.

The desperation is absolutely awful after a mc. Again, mine has eased 7 months later but it hasn't gone completely. I've had fertility tests and I'm normal (a total panic since I conceived in cycle 8 which of course is within the usual guidelines) and I still worry that there's something wrong with me. It is a total head fuck. My cycles are all over the place since too. I'm meant to ovulate tomorrow but had a stark white opk today. Let yourself feel and cry, the release really does help.

@ChampooPapi @Chanel05 thank you so much to both of you for replying.. I was so emotional all morning then did an OKP late afternoon and it was positive, so I had to pick myself up and try to think ahead. I spoke to my mum about being so upset and she was gutted I didn't call her. I just hate bringing it up to people that also have an emotional attachment to the baby/my pregnancy. Champoo you're so right about a parallel universe. I just keep thinking 'if I was still pregnant, I'd be this big, thinking about buying this, not eating this and that etc' it's awful really. Hopefully we will have our own new timelines soon.

Chanel I'm so so sorry for your loss.. all I can say is that we just need to keep going and keep trying, also keep thinking about our babies and keep crying as I've realised that it does help to let it all out, as Champoo said. Have you seen the doctor about your irregular cycles though? They shouldn't just dismiss that x