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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

advice and opinions please on a Big Decision we have to make

15 replies

kickassangel · 20/08/2007 17:54

I am 38 with dd,age (almost) 4.
she was conceived by fertility treatment which took 3 cycles & had a lot of difficulties. We have just tried embryo transferal as we had 3 frozen embryos. None of them thawed.

So now I have to decide whether to accept that this is it, dd is my one and only, or whether to go for treatment again. With my previous history there is no guarantee that it will work. There is no identified medical reason for infertility, but we ttc for several years before the IVF last time, so I don't have any hope of 'a miracle'. Unfortunately I just don't seem to be able to accept that I will never have a nother baby, nor can I face the idea of all those drugs & the trauma of treatment again.

So - am I just wallowing in my pain & I should be grateful for what I have & get on with my life?

Should I set a limit on how much treatmentto go through, then try to accept that dd is my only child?

Even if I had another child, I could still end up feeling like this a few years later - how have people got over accepting that they've had their last child when they're not really ready for that decision?

Any advice or experience to help me with this? dh is a bit fed up of this being the only conversation i have, but i just can't get this sorted out in my own mind.

OP posts:

pipsqueeke · 20/08/2007 18:00

I have no real advice, as tbh it's a persona choice I think re the treatments etc, only you know how much it will effect you iycwim.

you're def not walling thou - I think we all feel the urge for another at some point (am assuming until we feel our family is complete.)

have you thought of any alternatives if you can't bear the treatment route again?

Original poster

kickassangel · 20/08/2007 18:08

dh doesn't want adoption & neither of us wants surrogacy so it's treatment or nothing. we have both felt like this since before dd so unlikely to change.

until i found out it hadn't worked i thought i had accepted that i may not have another but i am really upset - not able to sleep, constant crying etc.

although i like the idea of 2 ( or more ) children i'm not that upset about having an only child, i just have this huge yearning for another little baby. that baby will grow up & i could well end up feeling like this again anyway.

also, really not sure i would cope with going for treatment & it not working. we could easily spend £50k & still not have a baby, so it just feels like too big an emotional risk.

would really like to hear from anyone who has got through thisabout how they managed.

OP posts:

madamez · 20/08/2007 18:12

I have 1 child and will not be having any more because I'm 42 now and single. I do feel a bit wistful about it sometimes (and sometimes wish I'd started sooner and had several) but at the same time I think of the upsides - no sibling rivalry to woory about, no fighting kids to separate etc. I take my DS to lots of M&T groups and he goes to nursery so he's not deprived of contact with other kids...
It is a decision only you can make, and if you are feeling really bad about it, you might benefit from talking to a counsellor of some kind - or you might easily benefit as much from posting on MN which at least gives you the chance to rant and discuss and think-it-through-while-typing as much as you like to a generally sympathetic audience.
Good luck anyway. Can't offer specific advice about ferttility treatment, don't know enough about it, sorry.

Original poster

kickassangel · 20/08/2007 18:20

but madamez, if you don't mind me asking - was it just wistfulness. how i feel atm is just awful & i can't stop thinking about it. all i see when i go out is pregnant women & babies. will i just get over this?

i can speak to a counsellor at the fertility clinic, but can't even bring myself to talk to anyone yet.

hoping that mn will start me getting over this. i keep thinking about going for treatment & then i just hit a feeling of 'can't'. somehow i just have to accept that we will neve have any more children ^ even typing this is awful - i can't imagine being able to say it out loud to people, let alone actually coming to terms with the idea.

OP posts:

madamez · 20/08/2007 18:29

KAA: it was never worse than wistfulness with me, and when I thought about it logically I realised that I kind of didn't want to go through the whole young-toddler thing again (DS nearly 3 now) and it went away after that. Poor you. I think you really would find it helpful to speak to the clinic counsellor because anything that has you constantly upset like this needs a bit of help to get over.

Original poster

kickassangel · 20/08/2007 18:34

thansk madame (not sure how i'm meant to say your name - like madame zee or plural of madame?)
i'm sure there must be people who have felt like this but moved on - dwelling on this is the road to madness. Tomorrow I WILL phone the clinic & I also have an appt. for new workout programme at the gym - must be better than eating biscuits & crying all day.

OP posts:

nomoremagnolia · 20/08/2007 18:45

I can't give you any advice as I'm still ttc no.1 but I would say please find someone who knows about this and can talk through it with you, it's a big decision.

For what it's worth DH and I have already set the ground rules down about how far we're prepared to go for DC (including a limit on the number/cost of IVF cycles we will do) but we are willing to adopt if we can't have our own, so we're slightly different there. I would suggest you agree a limit with DH before you start over again if that's what you decide.

Best of luck x

Original poster

kickassangel · 20/08/2007 18:51

we agreed the limit, have now hit it, and i can't accept it. that's the problem.

have to go now as dd has just shouted 'go and make dinner then'!

thanks for support.

OP posts:

Wheelybug · 20/08/2007 18:55

No real experience but beginning to try and think about this myself. I have a dd, conceived naturally and easily, m/c 13 months ago and not been able to conceive since. So, whilst the final decision is still a while off I am trying to get my head around the possibility dd may be our one and only.

We too have decided we won't adopt and currently i am not sure I want to go through IVF although I do desperately want anoter. I think if we did have to go that far and decided to go for it I would put a limit on the amount of attempts. If someone could tell me that spending £x would guarantee conception I would happily spend it but I feel we have to seriously think about the possibility we could spend ££££ and go through a lot of treatment for nothing.

My initial reaction to your post is that you should try because you might always wonder what if but to put a limit it on the amount of times you try. But, hopefully someone will come along who has been there and give you some wise words.

Original poster

kickassangel · 20/08/2007 20:09

is there anyone who has felt like this but then managed to get over it? i really don't think i can cope with any more treatment.

how can i learn to accept that dd is the only child i will have?

OP posts:

bobbydazzler · 20/08/2007 20:46

It sounds like you have definately made up your mind that you will not have more treatment so maybe a very small part of you has accepted that DD is your one and only. There probably is no magic way to get over it apart from time and as others have said maybe professional help.

Hope you find the answer you are seeking.

Original poster

kickassangel · 20/08/2007 20:50

thanks - someone just mentioned a 'get over it' pill they wish they could take. think i need one.

this is really my first step to actually trying to deal with this. saddo that i am i can't even talk about this atm. i WILL make a phone call tomorrow - counselling service is free & part of IVF so i would be stupid not to, just not sure i can even talk about this yet.

OP posts:

bobbydazzler · 20/08/2007 20:57

You are definately not a saddo, and i don't think it will matter if all you can do at your first session is sob incoherently, that is what they are there to deal with.

Good luck.

Original poster

kickassangel · 20/08/2007 21:25

thanks. am going to talk to dh about cheerful things

OP posts:

cityangel · 20/08/2007 23:43

I am very inexperienced in this area other than wanting a child.

On the one hand if it is still possible to carry on and you really want it then I say go for it. You don't want to be in a position of regret in the future with a decision your not happy with.

On the other hand if you came to an agreement and are maybe just finding that hard to deal with, with counselling and family support you could move forward and enjoy life albeit not quite how you originally planned.

Good luck and I think you're very brave for taking up the counselling option. Let us know how you get on....

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