Want to TTC but scared I won't be able to cope with two...

[GreenGlassGoblin]

This must sound really wimpy. I'd love another baby, but DS is such hard, hard work I'm scared I won't be able to cope with two little ones (or two bigger ones, come to that). Has anyone out there with a non-sleeping velcro child gone on to TTC? DS is 17 months, still wakes at night (sleep training was a disaster) and won't play alone for more than a few seconds in the day. I am just really scared about being utterly exhausted, short tempered and miserable if I do manage to have another. I'm 36, so haven't got that much time to dither. Any advice / experience would be very welcome.

Personally i would work on changing the parts of your life with your DS you find hard ie: sleeping thru

? why was sleep training a disaster ?
? what plan did you use ?
? for how long ?

Things often go backwards/get worse before positive change is seen.

And learning to play independently.

Start by having him play beside you independently then slowly further from you and also set aside playtime with you actively involved.

Each are achieveable with time, consistancy and patience

I have two, my first was 20 months when second was conceived and it has worked out really well. By the time no. 2 came along the first had grown up so much, that nine months gestation period came in handy for that at least!

Simply having the new baby made him more independent too, suddenly I wasn't always able to feed him or play with him and so he learnt to do it himself - something he had been really bad at until then.

And now they adore each other, and are playing together as I write this, it's a great gap. As much as I worried about keeping up with two I actually found it much easier than anticipated, if anything it was the tiredness during the pregnancy that I found the worset bit, and that passes.

i think it is like any other thing in life, you worry endlessly about how it could be, but it is never as bad as you think, and you all learn to make the most of it.

My DD is such a good little girl is 2.5yrs, never had any problems with her, slept through at very early age, and is a home girl and potters around indoors, we have just decided to add to our family, i know i'll be able to cope with 2 i just hope baby 2 is as good as DD is.

If ds is clingy then as soon as he is 18mths would try putting him in creche for 2 am per week to loosen the bond a bit. Sleep wise you need to persevere with sleep training until it works. The more attempts you do and fail then the more he knows he will win and the longer it will go on. Now is a good time to have a sibling because there is less likelihood of severe jealousy and he will have to get used to sharing you. Have you tried leaving him for short spells with a friend on a regular basis? This could help also. In the meantime, if he cries and tantrums when you leave his side ignore it, allow him to cry but put him out of sight until he calms down. I put my daughter in the hall and shut the door until she calms down (aged 18mths)as I have similar problems with her clingyness. She now realises that she gets more of my attention when she doesn't tantrum and scream at me.

MatNan - we used CC for sleep training when he was about 14 months, did it for 5 nights, he cried for between 3 and 5 hours each night, was utterly hysterical and always held out on falling asleep until my last check (midnightish) at which point he would give in. By night 4 he was crying and clinging to me at the sight of his cot, and at his bath as he knew what was coming. I felt it was cruel to carry on, and still feel I was right about that. We also went through the entire NCSS over a period of several months. I think I'm just going to have to give him time and put up with the waking (sorry, I've ranted on about that a bit, but it is all still very raw in my mind).

Thank you for the independent play advice - I'll definitely give it a go, though he tends to grab my hand and try and take me to play interactive stuff like football, but he is getting better at colouring, playing with he dinky cars etc.

Sybil, you have boosted my confidence, thank you .

And Muppet, um, thanks for that. Good for you, I hope it all works out

cross posts - Tori, thanks. He's at nursery 3 days a week already, and has been for 9 months now - he really likes it, and had no problems settling there, so can do separation if he has to. I do quite a bit of what you suggest already, as he has big bold tantrums. I don't shut him in anywhere, but I do let him rage without intervening or giving attention. Your right about jealousy - he is already totally green eyed if I cuddle another child or even DH, and cries and tries to get between us. Will have to deal with that.

I understand how hard it was with the CC, have you read the Baby Whisperer? or Dr Tanya Byron?

How many timesis your DS awake in the night,is there a pattern to his waking times?

With play, try to get him going with colouring and the like and then withdraw to a seat nearby giving verbal praise and after 5 minutes of solo play go and give him lots of attention for playing alone, it is a slow but very often a rewarding way of encouraging independent play.

Do the nursery encourage him to amuse himself?

With the jealousy i would have daddy do separate cuddles maybe a mummy kiss and then a DS cuddle then a mummy cuddle?

Do you cuddle DS toys? as because they are his he may get round to the idea that cuddling others is nice not something to get upset over?

Are there two issues here? one is the way your son is currently, and two is whether you should go ahead for a second child.

I really think it is unlikely that he will be behaving in exactly this way in 9 months, he will have developed so much more, and it would be such a shame if you decide not to have a child on the basis of his behaviour now, when in a years time he could be so very different - and you might really regret not taking the plunge.

I think what I am trying to say is, don't make the way your first child is at this moment affect the rest of your life by not having another. In a very short time he may be entirely different. Developmentally, this time will definitely pass, is just seems exhausting and neverending at the moment .

Have to say I agree with both matnan and sybil. I think as was pointed out your lo will probably change lots over the next 9 months ( and thats asuming you get PG straight away) I would put that to the back of your mind. You have lots of advice from everyone on MN and will crack the problem by then. Don't waste valuable time waiting if you really want another baby.