Not being ready

[Belle95]

Hi,
This is my first post. & I'm really sorry its so long & if I've posted in the wrong place I guess I just needed to say it out loud as such to get it out of my system & get other people's advice.

So for the past year & a half I have been wanting a baby.
Myself and my partner are 25 & 26 & have been together for 8 & a half years.
We have been living together for the past 4 years & have been living in our forever home for the past 2

A year and a half ago I mentioned to my partner about being ready to look at starting a family. He told me he didn't want a family at that particular moment, as he wasn't ready. I understood this and just let him know that's fine. We then booked a holiday for August the following year & did a few things to the house.
After 6 months I brought the baby convo up again & after a lengthy conversation & listening to each other's feelings we decided we would stop using condoms whilst we were on holiday & take it from there.
Then after a few things happening in the house we're in, we realised it needs a lot more work then we had originally planned so have brought our extension plans we had for the future...forward, which meant we had to put baby plans on hold. It was heartbreaking for me as I struggled to accept that we had to wait for a baby but understood when my boyfriend said the house takes priority.
We had our holiday & the building work is due to start in the new year. We've spoke about a family since in regards to when the best time is to start, but now My partner has dropped the bombshell he's still actually not ready.
Im so sad & I haven't really got any friends to speak to about this so have bottled my feelings up only talking to my boyfriend about it every now and then (cause he doesn't really wanna talk about it).
Then when he's told me he's really not ready and doesn't know when he will be I kinda just needed to get it all out of my system hence the long massive paragraph ( I do apologise)

So...
how do couples who arnt on the same page compromise at things like this.
I've tried my best to throw myself into the building plan but i still feel sad & cant shake the feelings off :/

Belle x

It's so difficult when you're not on the same page.
Me and my husband have been together 12 years and are both 29. We always talked about the possibility of children but never really discussed a time line. We did work on the house and did more qualifications etc, then this year I just suddenly felt ready to start a family. Unfortunately my husband wasn't. We compromised by me coming off the pill but still using condoms. Sounds weird but I felt I would be able to give my body time to return to normal whilst waiting. It also put the responsibility of birth control on him rather than me. About 6 months later he came round to the idea and we are trying now (no luck yet though).
I completely understand how it is to want something so badly but not be able to act on it. Especially as I am convinced we will struggle to conceive so waiting felt like time wasted! But I was adamant that I wanted it to be a joint decision to share the process together, although even though we are trying I still feel much more invested than he seems to be.
I hope you manage to agree

Hi @Belle95,

I have been in a similar position to you. I’m nearly 33 so felt like time was not on my side, my partners 29 and his immediate reaction was no. Like your partner, he said he was not ready. However I know that he talked to some of his friends with babies as well as his family and everyone around him reassured him that they didn’t ever “feel ready” and not many people do. I think that coupled with me showing him fertility charts, sharing my concerns and then reasons for wanting to start a family has made him come round to the idea and dare I say it started to get excited!🤣

Have you asked your partner what his concerns are? Is it money, career, fear of being responsible for someone etc? Maybe you can talk it out and address some of his concerns. As a compromise maybe he can commit to a timeframe somehow?

thank-you both so much for
Your replies,
Yes it’s quite frustrating isn’t it.
I’ve been off the pill for coming up to a year as when we had mentioned about not preventing it on holiday, I wanted to get to know my cycles whilst waiting so I totally understand what you mean :)

When your partner mentioned he was ready was it something you still spoke about or did he mention it out of the blue? Like you I’m adamant it’s going to be a joint decision as it is a big commitment & I want him to be equally as exited as me.
I’m so pleased it’s working out for you and hopefully soon something positive will happen :D

Unfortunately we have no friends that have babies, he has a work colleague but he just hears the negatives of how his work colleague hasn’t had much sleep 😂
So he hasn’t really helped ha.
I’m so pleased your partners getting exited, it makes the experience all the more when you know they want it just as much as you.

I have spoken to him in regards to what his reservations are and why he’s not ready.
There’s nothing in particular that I could think would stop us.
We own our home, & both have great jobs. When we found out about the building work we were going to be going
Through he kept saying it was because of the that. it’s going to take a little while & is going to be a bit of a nightmare so understood it from that point but when I pointed out that a) it might not happen straight away & b) the work isn’t going to take 9 months.
He then changed & said he wasn’t ready so here I am back to square 1.
I feel I have exhausted all avenues in regards to talking him through & everything he says as a negative I’ve tried to turn it into a positive unfortunately it doesn’t work & as for a time frame I’ve asked for a rough idea & he just says he just doesn’t know.
I do honestly feel there isn’t much compromise 😂
I know It’s not just my decision & I do respect his opinion as I know it’s a massive commitment & I want him to be as happy as me when the time comes.
I will wait until he's ready & exited :)
It so so refreshing finally being able to talk to someone about it so Thankyou so much!

I think my partner just needed time to process things. When I first brought it up I was still working towards a qualification for work and I thought it would be good to start trying as it was going to take less than 9 months to finish. A bit like you and your building work. That's when we switched to condoms. When I finished my course I brought it up again and he was still unsure. This made me worried because there didn't seem to be any reason not to. I did explain about my worries about conceiving and my age. Then a couple of days later he came back to me with a more positive reaction. I think he needed time to think about it.
Were similar in that none of our friends locally have had children yet. We have nephews but they can be pretty lively. So I'm not sure if they helped or hindered! I think my partner was worried about all the freedoms we would be giving up, and I can't say for sure what actually changed his mind.
I found it hard not to keep asking him if was ready yet! I wanted to give him space to think but not to just forget about it. I guess I also needed to know that he would be ready one day and not just keep putting me off forever.
Sorry I can't be more helpful. I guess everyone feels differently about it. I agree with @Rara87, I'm not sure we completely feel "ready" about being parents!! But we're definitely keen to try!

Things can turn around quite quickly. I've just turned 31 and DH is 27. We first discussed children before we got married (because duh) and were on similar pages: yes kids, but later.

At some point a few years back, I asked him what his plan was for timing of kids and he said, "I don't know. Maybe when I'm 30?" So we had a bit of a sit down chat about realistic expectations (how many kids, age differences, fertility rates for ladies, etc). This was when he was 25 probably? And whenever I got nervous about anything baby-related, he would get reasonably stroppy, feeling he was under pressure to be ready soon (which doesn't help move things along).

Then his brother got pregnant (intentionally) and one of his best mates got pregnant (again on purpose) and his perspective started shifting pretty seriously. Now I'm the one holding us up (I won't have kids where we live, needed to finalise a move before proceeding).

It's also worth bearing in mind any preconceptions going in. One of DH's siblings was a post-vasectomy baby, another sibling had a baby by mistake at 17, etc. Sex ed is so focused on NOT getting pregnant that sometimes it can mean people have processing to do before they're ready.