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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Saying I’m single to get IVF?

51 replies

Beachgirl232 · 07/10/2019 16:52

I recently went for a fertility appointment in an NHS centre. After having a lot of tests done, we have discovered I have a blocked Fallopian tube, and given my age (39) I was advised to hurry up and go for IVF. However, as my hubby already has a child from a previous relationship (who does not live with us) we are not eligible for funding in our area unfortunately. The doctor handed us a pricelist then sent me for blood tests with the nurse. However, as I was r asking through it, the nurse whispered to me that I should come back in 6 months, say I’m single and using my (ex) husband as a sperm donor. She told me people do it all the time. I then mentioned it to my acupuncturist who said it sounded like a great idea! Now I am not saying for one minute I’m considering doing this, but I’m just curious if anyone has heard of this happening before, and if it would even be possible? Would my husband still be the legal father? We are only very recently married and I’ve not officially changed my name yet, but would they ask for proof or anything like that? Until now we have been considering going abroad for treatment but I’m just curious about this.

OP posts:

firstimemamma · 07/10/2019 18:35

Think of the people who are being honest that you'd potentially be prioritised over if you lie. Doesn't seem fair at all to me. I know you're desperate for a baby but so is everyone else wanting ivf. Don't be selfish.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 07/10/2019 18:36

We are only very recently married and I’ve not officially changed my name yet

We’ve been wed 18 years and I never changed my name. Hideous outdated tradition. Don’t bother. Be proud of your name.

BeanBag7 · 07/10/2019 18:39

Wouldnt your husband want to come with you to the appointments for support?
I think its morally wrong and I dont really see why IVF should be funded anyway, but if you're not eligible you're not eligible and you shouldn't lie about it.

Twickerhun · 07/10/2019 18:48

Ivf can be stressful enough without lying and committing fraud.
Go overseas - it’s cheap and efficient and has better success results than most nhs cycles

Hennysmommy · 07/10/2019 19:20

^^I dont really see why IVF should be funded anyway,

Yes it should be funded. There are women out there that are desperate to have children but cant because of infertility. Why should they be punished for a health condition that is not their fault. I had my first round of IVF on the NHS and have since paid for (and still in debt) for paying for further cycles and FET.
Dont bring funding into this argument. OP was asking if she shoud defraud the system not question whether people should get funding or not.
As too ops situation if you can afford it then pay because alot of people are stuck in the postcode lottery at the moment and it just wouldnt be fair on people who would otherwise be entitled to funding but not able to access it.

Ylvamoon · 07/10/2019 19:22

Abusing the system like this, is just wrong.

Unpopular opinion, I know, but sometimes we just have to accept what life throws at us. Just because we can, does not mean we should.
There is no guarantee that IVF would work, there is roughly a 40% success rate for woman under 35, dropping to 15% by age 39 ... - said Dr Google

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 07/10/2019 20:00

Unpopular opinion, I know, but sometimes we just have to accept what life throws at us. Just because we can, does not mean we should.

It tends to be the opinion of those who have never suffered any form infertility.....

I dont really see why IVF should be funded anyway,

I suffer from infertility and am self funding IVF. I believe IVF should only be funded in certain circumstances eg due to childhood cancer or if you've had to have both tubes removed. It shouldn't be used to fund those who are over 35 or for single women (this would also stop the fraud which OP has been advised to engage in)

That being said it should be heavily subsidised and made cheaper so it's more accessible for everyone or private medical insurance you get in the workplace should offer the option to cover it (like the USA)

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 07/10/2019 20:27

@Beachgirl232 this is possibly the craziest thing I’ve read for a while. It is likely that your ccg will not fund ivf for a single woman. Secondly donors have to go through a very strict screening process. Your ‘ex’ partner wouldn’t just be able to rock up jizz in a pot and hand it in for you specifically to use. That’s not how it works at all. Aside from all of this you are actually commuting fraud. IvF is a very tough process and this would just compound stress.

Other options for you to look at access fertility which is a funding option or investigating clinics abroad.

As a fellow ivf person I really do wish you luck but would completely be against the idea of lying that you're single.

Original poster

Beachgirl232 · 08/10/2019 07:59

@* @itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted
*From the sounds of it OP (original post/poster) can afford to pay she's just considering abusing the system to get it free

Actually, no.. I can’t afford to pay for it. It’s extremely expensive and we are really struggling to afford it. It’s more a case of we have no choice. And as I stated I am NOT considering abusing the system for free. I was just asking whether what the NHS nurse advised me to do is actually a thing that people do. Some people here are so judgemental

OP posts:

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 08/10/2019 08:14

@Beachgirl232
How much do you think raising a child costs?? Most ivf clinics offer interest free loans spread over several years of repayments......the cost of this is considerably LESS than the cost of giving up a salary to be a stay at home parent or the cost of childcare.....

There should be absolutely no need to abuse the system

And no it's not something that I've ever heard people do. Probably because if we've chosen to leave ttc until later in life or want children with someone who already has kids then most people accept there might be consequences to that?

No one is judging on here we re just giving it to you straight

BabyMoonPie · 08/10/2019 08:18

Whether the system is right or wrong is irrelevant - it is what it is and you shouldn't pretend to be single to "beat" it. Personally I would report the nurse's comments to the hospital. If what she is saying is right she is encouraging the misuse of NHS funds. If she's wrong she's misleading potentially vulnerable patients

Catclock · 08/10/2019 08:52

This is absolute codswallop. The system doesn't work like that. And it's quite shocking that anyone would consider trying to scam the NHS anyway.

Teddybear45 · 08/10/2019 09:00

All clinics have to keep your medical records for 7 years and the NHS also has records of your referral in your name as YOU are the patient (not your DH). Everyone will know you are trying to defraud the system and best case scenario the clinic will refuse to treat you - worst case scenario the NHS may go after you too.

JenniferM1989 · 08/10/2019 15:07

Hi OP, as someone who has had fertility issues but now has a son that was conceived naturally by some miracle, do what you need to do. There's women that live in the right areas that get IVF for second children! It wasn't that long a go that I read a story on the now no longer running other famous mums forum about a woman who struggled to get pregnant a second time (already had one), got a free round of IVF on the NHS which was successful but wanted to abort the baby at 18 weeks because the baby was a boy and she wanted a girl...

That is abuse of the system. Everyone should be entitled to one go if they have no biological kids. Everyone. Even if their partner already has children. If a women presents herself for IVF and has no bio kids, she deserves a cycle. If they can give some women a free cycle when they already have a bio child, they sure can provide you with a cycle.

I find the people that comment and say just give up or it's nature deciding you shouldn't be a mum to be narrow minded fools to be honest. It's ok for them isn't it? With their 2 kids that just happened.

Considering some women go on to have 5,6 even 7 kids and sometimes funded by the BTT (British tax payer), I think we can cut you slack over a white lie to get ONE round of IVF

Purpleartichoke · 08/10/2019 15:12

If it really makes the difference between funded or unfunded, I would
actually divorce. You can remarry again later.

AlpineCoromandel · 08/10/2019 15:29

What is the reasoning behind a childless woman being allowed funded IVF if her dh has never had a child but not if he has?

INeedNewShoes · 08/10/2019 15:36

I'd be very surprised indeed if you were able to have IVF on the NHS as a 'single' woman. The only single woman I know of to have NHS fertility treatment had a gynae issue meaning she needed IVF to stand a chance of getting pregnant and it needed to be sooner rather than later.

As a single woman who has self funded my fertility treatment to have a child on quite a modest salary I find the idea that you think you might trick the NHS system both laughable and unpleasant.

FunOnTheBeach20 · 08/10/2019 15:39

Nobody is going to join the dots together if you later behave as a married couple. As I understand you are discharged to NHS care after a scan at 7-9 weeks. The midwives are not going to be interested in your funding application form or circumstances. Mine was lovely but didn’t remember me from one appt to the next.

In this instance I think go for it and say whatever you need to say.

Phoebesgift · 08/10/2019 15:42

I think its unfair you are not eligible for IVF because of your husbands child. That said, it is morally wrong and there is more to life than children. A happy marriage for one. Having kids is really not all its cracked up to be as you must know, having got to 39 without any so far.

maddyy321 · 08/10/2019 15:50

Not myself but a family member went through ivf very similar the male had a daughter from a previous relationship she didn't live with him and he was kept from seeing her growing up too, they just said he didn't have any kids and they have a nearly 8 year old boy now, I mean it is morally wrong it is lying but as the post says there's so many people doing it already, I understand why nhs won't find it if one person already has a child but most cases it's the mother who hasn't had a child and having a baby as a women is completely different and a completely different experience becoming a mother to a man becoming a father. Sometimes in life you have to do selfish things that maybe aren't 110% by the book xx

maddyy321 · 08/10/2019 15:53

savethebeestoday · 08/10/2019 16:08

I also didn't think single women (rightly or wrongly) could get IVF for free.

But there is also your age, in my area they didn't offer it to anyone over 35 (I was 'too old'), so even if your DP didn't have a child you may still not get it.
We paid for IVF. It didn't work.
They suggested egg donation. My DP said no.
We then adopted. Not for everyone I know, but everything happens for a reason, and I love my son with all my heart.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 08/10/2019 17:12

@AlpineCoromandel
I believe it's to do with the fact that they are classed as being a parent by virtue of being a "step parent"

Also second marriages tend to mean the women are older and therefore odds of success are a lot lower

AlpineCoromandel · 08/10/2019 17:15

Thanks. Always seems a bit of an unfair rule to me

Phoebesgift · 08/10/2019 18:33

Why would you bother paying for something with only a 15% success rate for women your age? I'd adopt instead.

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