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How to reduce partner fears over having a baby

14 replies

Ktrat · 26/09/2019 14:41

I'm a 32 year old woman who has been with my partner for 4.5 years and from day one have made my intention of having kids clear. My other half, has always understood this and said that it has never been a priority for him, that he doesn't like kids but that he isn't opposed to having kids. In the past year or so our circumstances have allowed us to seriously consider trying for a child but whenever I have this discussion with him it ends with him saying that he really really hates kids, thinks that he won't love his own child and that it will ruin our relationship because the things we do would have to change. He says that he thinks he would end up resenting me if this were to happen. I have tried to explain that there are a lot of men out there who may feel similarly but that bonding with your child is likely to happen at some point, even if it takes time. I've also explained that women have the same fears - I certainly worry about relationship changes. I don't know how we proceed from here - it feels like a stalemate. I don't want to force him into having a child, but equally a life without a child isn't an option for me. Has anyone else had a hesitant partner? How do you resolve differences when a compromise isn't an option.

OP posts:
nmc99 · 26/09/2019 14:52

He doesn't want children and you do. I think that is fairly clear. He obviously hoped you'd change your mind and vice versa. If he isn't going to change his mind I'd suggest you leave and find someone else who does want children while you still can.

Babdoc · 26/09/2019 15:02

You say partner rather than husband, OP. I take it you’re not married? So he’s made no commitment to you at all. That makes it very easy to leave him.
He doesn’t want children. He says he’ll resent you if you insist on having any. How much clearer can he be?
Your only decision is how many more fertile years you waste with him before dumping him to find a man who isn’t a commitment phobe and who does want children.

Hiphopopotamous · 26/09/2019 15:03

I don't think he's "hesitant", that says to me he is keen but scared of the changes. Your partner is not at all keen by the sounds of it. If you have a baby he will resent you, if you don't you will resent him. If kids are important to you, find someone who wants them too.

Thesearmsofmine · 26/09/2019 15:06

You want different things, it is time to move on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2019 15:06

What they said. You both need to be on the same page and you’re not. Saying he hates children and is already planning to resent you could not be any clearer OP.

Please think seriously about walking away and finding someone who wants the same life you do. I’m friends with a couple who got married despite disagreeing on children, he’s desperately broody, she hates children, and it’s tearing them apart now, truly awful to see.

PatriciaHolm · 26/09/2019 15:07

That doesn't sound like someone who is just hesitant, or has some mild fears of having a child. It sounds like someone who is dead set against it. I really don't think there is much to be done here - you want kids, he adamantly doesn't.

SoyDora · 26/09/2019 15:08

He isn’t ‘hesitant’, he’s perfectly clear that he doesn’t want children. It’s up to you what you do with that information.

EmrysAtticus · 26/09/2019 15:09

If you want DC you need to leave.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 26/09/2019 15:12

I think he's made it very clear he doesn't want a baby.

Either you accept it or you move on. It's really tough, but I can't see what other options you have

nmc99 · 26/09/2019 15:14

Also and I don't want to sound patronising kids are bloody hard work, and if you weren't fully on board in the first place and are already considering resenting the person that pushed you into it - well that won't end well for anyone involved.

Expressedways · 26/09/2019 15:18

He’s made it very clear that he does not want children. There is no compromise and this is not a difference that can be resolved. If you’re certain that you want children then you need to leave. Sorry.

AutumnRose1 · 26/09/2019 15:41

I have a couple of women friends who were hesitant about having children and went along with their partners

It's just ruined lives all round

You have to break up. Please don't pressure him.

KatharinaRosalie · 26/09/2019 15:48

That's not hesitant. He does not want to have children.

Bouffalant · 26/09/2019 15:57

If you want children and he doesn't you will have to find someone who does.

You can't force someone to like children.

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