I feel like an insanly jealous, bitter and twisted cow.

[worzsel]

It's like a knot it the pit of my stomach of annoyance and longing and jealously and resentment and I HATE IT

I know it's normal to feel a bit like this but it's eating me up at the moment and is all i can think about, I'm genuinly am happy for the multitude of people who have just announced, i really am, i just wish i was one of them..

Anyone else going through the same thing or does everyone feel like this ?

Please don't think i really am a nasty cow, i'm not i promise !

It's very normal to feel like that and it happens to all of us.

umm, i think you are COMPLETELY normal.

i had a break from MN when i felt like this; it did me the wonder of good. i find being on here sometimes made me doubt myself and my fertility.

and i know you're not a nasty cow

I'm more of a lurker on MN but i probably do need a break from it, maybe even from the whole ttc thing as it's starting to rule my life.

i doubt its the whole ttc thing-just here. it did my head in at times-people making me scared, worried about my fertility....i needed a break. ban yourself from the internet for a week. RELAX and it will happen.

Lol i cant even remember the last time i spent a week without the internet so you may well be right there !

I am glad to know it's not only me though.. I was starting about my sanity.

Worzsel, hun, your feelings are very normal. Its such a bitter sweet feeling - being genuinely happy for those who are getting the results they wish for, but your heart is breaking at the same time.

I waited 3 years to fall PG with my first baby, and it ripped me apart seeing my friends falling so easily with the second or even third child. You have to show your happiness for them, but inside it feels like someone has torn your heart in two

And more recently, although on a slightly different note, I would love another child but my DH is set against it ever happening, so my chances are nil, but I am having to be forever joyful for those who are getting what they wish so dearly for.

Worzsel, you are not nasty, not in the slightest. And I can guarantee that those who care about you who are announcing their news, feel so bad for you. They certainly won't see you as nasty or that your feelings are uncalled for.

Try not to beat yourself up. Don't be afraid of your feelings - you are entitled to be cross/sad etc. It is perfectly normal.

I wish you the very best of luck with everything, hun. Take good care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

That was a lovely post Coathanger, thankyou. Are you sur there is no persuading your Df, Mine was anti but has come round now due to my insessent nagging i think !

Oh god you just voiced how I feel utterly- so Yes, am completely going through same thing! In RL have just worked out I'll be seeing a baby (not mine) appear in Sept, Nov, Jan (X2), Feb, March and April. All close friends.

I don't know about you - I usually manage to keep the at home, but its when I get caught on the hop it comes out a bit (forgot completely to say congrats to one friend when she caught me off guard with news ).

Good friends and people ttc understand, usually.

Does anyone else also feel like it makes them a bit distanced from their friends - like they're all going off for a big party and you're allowed to watch through the window trying not to show you feel sad?

Worzsel, you're not nasty - you'd be weird to be ttc and not be upset when other people get what you'd dearly love! Have lots of TLC and try to drink wine in front of your pg friends so they get a bit of what you feel . Did that last night and it was strangely satisfying, though I suppose not the nicest part of me coming out.

Well, we have 3 beautiful sons already, and after a miscarrying a shock pregnancy (2 years ago today, strangely) he really put his foot down. I tried the nagging, then tried bargaining, but nothing works. I felt I grieved not just the loss of one child, but the chance of anymore.

However, all is not lost. I am happy doing what I am doing now (studying hard for my Midwifery degree) although my heart will never stop aching.

Anyway, thats enough of the sob story from me.....I'm boring myself now

How long have you been TTCing?

coathanger - oh poor you. Hope today is okay. Fantastic to have 3 sons (I have one), I'd love to have a brood, but think practicalities might mean if I ever get DC2 we might stop. I would like to have some time in the next 10 years where TTC has not been on my mind! I know what you mean about heart ache - I think DS1 makes me want more kids more - the more I love him the more I want more of that love if that makes sense?

Good luck on your course - what an amazing job.

it's not only you, worszel, everyone feels that way sometimes. your journey is your journey, and i hope you get to the destination you so want very soon.

Kayjayel, We sound as if we feel the same.. i do feel distanced from my friends, almost like now they are pg i am no longer worth being friends with for them as their life is going to be about bumps and hormones and weeing constatly while i'll still muttering on about what dpo i am, sperm tests and weeing on sticks.. how sad

Coathanger, Sorry for your loss, i've had 2 mc myslef i know how awfull it is. This is month 13 or 15 cycles of trying for us. We have a 2 and a half year old Daughter Grace who came as a complete surprise, I know we're so lucky to have her and feeling as down as i do get somedays makes me feel utterly selfish.. Why do hormones and emotions have to be so hard to deal with

Why cant we have a button on our head or something we have to press when we would like a baby ?

I know! Bloody hormones...can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, eh?

What avenues have you one down so far, Worzsel? Are you under a doctor/consultant yet?

I had some premenstral spotting ( which was actually more like a constant period ! ) so went to my Gp at 6 month in and they refered me to the gynae who did a pelvic ultrasound and a TV one a hyscoscopy and a DC which cleared it up for a while although it's starting to come back now so i think it's hormonal, i have also had 21 day bloods done twice once with a result of 2 the other with a result of 32.

If we dont get a BFP this month i am going to go back to my gp on cd 1 and ask them to do the 3 day bloods and send df to get his swimmers checked.. much to his displeasure ! and the i am going to ask for a fertility specialist referal as i was dischared from the gynae, i dont know what will happen then ? clomid maybe ?

I've had a couple of really weird cycles in the last year too, 16 and 17 days so i dont know what all thats about.

I have been putting off going back to the doctors, i am a bit scared of getting fobbed off again as they were really dismissive the last time i went although it's been 13 month now so over the year they keep insisting we try for.

I finally conceived DS1 on clomid. In my opinion, I think its worth a shot. I know of quite a few successful conceptions as a result of clomid. And it might give your cycle a reminder of what it should be doing!

Worszel, don't give up hope, hun. I am a great believer in PMA and if you want something bad enough it will come. Put your foot down with your GP, get that referral and go for it!

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

I have heard a lot of good things about clomid and am more then willing to try it, infact i hope thats what they say when i do go back, do you have to get it from a consultant or can your gp prescribe it ?

I'm a bit worried about the symptoms though i am a vile woman when PMS is about and i have heard that clomid can make that worse ? Maybe i ought to go and live on a desert island for a couple of months and get df to come and make daily deliveries lol

How long did you have to stake it for before you got your bfp ?

And thanks for the support, it's really nice to chat