How Do We Know When We Are Ready To Start Trying For A Baby?

[fireworkprincess88]

Hello Mumsnet!

I have a constant question running through my head, and I have done for around a year: are we ready to start trying for a baby!?

I am 31, my husband is 32. We have a lovely relationship and we are in a stable financial situation.

I have always know that 'one day' I would like children, when I imagine my dream future I have three beautiful children (but... I also live in a mansion and have millions in the bank too).

We got married two years ago, and since then we have had quiet little conversations between the two of us about when we would like children, and for the first after marriage year we simply said 'one day'. We both knew that we absolutely want children in our future, we just had no idea when. And that was fine.

For the past year we have felt closer to wanting a child and said, 'in a years time', and dreamed that we would like to start trying on our holiday... which is next week.

As the holiday draws closer, the question keeps running through my head: should we? Are we ready? I feel like I am standing at the edge of an ocean ready to dive in. It will most likely be beautiful and I will enjoy the swim. But, it's scary- it could be freezing and dangerous.

Cons:

• Will it put strain on our relationship, we are so happy and in love as we are?
• Will I go crazy from the lack of sleep?
• Will we be able to handle the stress?
• What if something goes wrong?
• I love watching Netflix, drinking wine with my friends and doing whatever I want whenever I want (lol)- will I resent the sacrifice
• None of my friends have children, will I be lonely and feel unsupported?
• Perhaps we should wait for a while until I am 100% certain that the time is right?
• It could happen instantly, you need to be ready
• But the main con is this: our family live in another country. In a dream world, we would move back to the same country as our family, then start trying for a baby. But we have been trying to move back to that country for three years now, and it hasn't happened. We feel like we can't put our life decisions on hold, for something that is circumstantial.

Pros:

• Baby! A tiny little baby to have and to hold and to cuddle and to nurture. To watch the baby grow and get to know their little personality develop into an adult and see what life holds for them. To be a part of their lives and to support them.
• He will be such a good Dad, and I would love to see that. I think I would be a good Mum too.
• We can still try and move to the same country as our family, even if we have a baby it would be possible.
• The body clock doesn't wait for the stars to perfectly align and all dream circumstances to fall into place.
• Trying for a baby could take years
• I know for certain that we want children, and so does he
• I have poly-cystic ovaries, I would be heartbroken if I waited to start trying and then found out there were complications that could've been avoided or remedied had we started trying earlier

So, those are all of the thoughts whizzing through by brain at the moment. Thoughts and advise welcome!

Thank you xx

Hi @fireworkprincess88, I found that with conceiving there is never a 'perfect time'. I have PCOS also, and it took nearly a year of ups and downs to conceive our DS, but he is just perfect and being parents is the best and most incredible experience ever. We don't have family that near to us but we have a fantastic support network of friends and I go to baby groups most days. I'm sure you will find this too :) it's scary at the beginning but soooo worth it! We are now trying to conceive DC2 🤞 good luck, sending lots of baby dust to you!

The points on your cons list are all reasonable but, I suspect, will always be there to an extent. With the possible exception of point 9, with that what is antenatal/postnatal care like in the country you wish to move to? If it’s significantly better that’s the only one that would possibly sway it for me.

As someone with 5 dc I will say there’s never a perfect time to have them. I had my first quite a while before any of my close friends had children. In a way it’s easier as you don’t end up comparing. It also shows who your true friends are. The downside is you get asked for advice when they start having their own.

Thank you so much for the reply, it's good to hear that you still feel supported despite family being far away. Best of luck to you with trying for baby number two. x

Hi @BernardsarenotalwaysSaintsthe thank you for your message! Wow 5- you know your stuff then! The care is actually better in the country that I live in at the moment, and the maternity pay is much better too.

Hi OP. The thing that came to my mind was that you'll know in your heart when you are ready. Yes, all the circumstances when TTC would be 'perfect' in an ideal world, but this isn't one!... trust me, there is never a perfect situation or the 'perfect' time for anything really, even to have a baby! There's always pros and cons. You just have to take a deep breath and go for it, when your heart tells you you REALLY want to be a Mum, and when you think the benefits outweigh the negatives. Having a baby is undoubtably the most meaningful, beautiful, intense, life affirming thing I have ever done, or ever will do. BUT, my goodness is it hard work at times!.. particularly, for me, the lack of time, money or energy for yourself! For me, though the pros outweigh the cons significantly. I guess that's only something you and your partner can decide. Is what you will gain from a baby in your lives worth what you will lose? That's the question you have to ask yourself?
On a positive note - I can honestly say, despite struggling sometimes, I rate being a Mum the most amazing, worthwhile life mission on earth!

Oh blimey, no, I still feel like I’m making it all up most of the time!

It is a decision you need to come to together but while it’s good plan for these things it’s also good not to overthink too much iyswim? The same very definitely applies to ttc! If you’re not averse to a possible risk of pregnancy could you spend 6 months or so getting to know your cycles? A friend with pcos did this & it gave her confidence in her body when they did start ttc (I think it took about 7/8 months but that is quite quick really)