Fertility panic: please help

[StartingAgain33]

Hi All,

I'm 34, about to be 35, and I am really panicking about my ability to conceive and timelines. And also that I'm going to drive my boyfriend away with panic. Please help.

I ended up basically being a carer for two people with cancer (my ex boyfriend and my dad) from 30 - 34, and so didn't really have the time to think about children although I knew I wanted them. I did try and talk to my boyfriend about it but he said that it was unfair in the context of him having treatment and so I basically didn't mention it again despite it being a big worry (he then dumped me straight after my dad had died and when he was well again, so this did me no good, and I still feel angry for him at this but that's another story).

I'm now about to turn 35, and very much feel the biological clock ticking. I have a lovely boyfriend (of 8 months) who definitely wants children but not for a few years (he's 31 and says he needs to be in a more financially stable place which I think is fair enough). We don't even live together yet, although things are moving at a nice steady pace. I also know it would be wise to let our relationship establish more and ideally probably just have fun for a couple of years and try and forget the s*show that was 30-34 (I think I still have a mild form of PTSD from multiple traumas and losses).

The problem is that I am very panicked that by the time we start trying for a baby I'll be too old. I cannot have a conversation with him about this without coming off as desperate and pressurey, and because I know this it keeps happening anyway but whilst I'm quite upset and in a real tizzy. He's very understanding, and says that my problem is his problem and reassures me we would probably be fine fertility wise (also, I got pregnant twice accidentally in my mid twenties), but I feel awful that I'm putting him under so much pressure so early on and worried I'm going to ruin everything. We've not explicitly said 'I want to have babies with YOU' but we do talk about it indirectly - talking about names, what we would dress our children in, etc. And he reassured me his family is very fertile so I think he at least hypothetically sees me as the one he wants to have children with and he has said he would like to have two children by the time he's 35 (in four years time).

I went for fertility testing a couple of weeks ago to see what my reserves are and investigate egg freezing and the doctor was incredibly rude. I told him that it was a bit early in my relationship to be asking my boyfriend to test his sperm to reassure me and he said 'If a woman like you asked me to get my sperm tested after 8 months into a relationship I'd run a mile'. This was really upsetting. They also tested my antral follicle at the peak of ovulation. The doctor said 12 was a good number, and then the nurse afterwards told me that was actually a bit low considering my amh levels (26.2) and that that was why there were probably less - they were hiding behind the mature egg and also they die off during the cycle. I don't understand why the clinic (London Women's Clinic) let me have the testing if this is the case? I feel like I've spent 100s of pounds for incorrect information. If they had tested on days 1-4 I would had a higher number and not felt worried. Also, as I was pretty sure I wanted egg freezing they should have just told me to go ahead with the tests for that as I'm going to have to get them repeated anyway - it's been a complete waste of money?!

I had a big panic about it all this morning and broke down in tears. The doctor said the success rates for freezing then thawing eggs when taken at this age was close to 50% but it seems this was wildly inaccurate and official figures are more like 8%? I don't know who to believe.

I've saved so hard the past few years and have just enough for a very modest house deposit on a two bed flat. I'm seriously considering not spending this and instead saving it for the potential IVF I may need a a few years down the line. I know this is last-ditch planning but I would just feel so sad and angry if timing meant I couldn't have child.

I'm also incredibly worried about the egg harvesting process as I know I react very strongly to hormones. The pill sent me near suicidal, and I tried a few. I'm very worried about working during the process (I'm self employed and lose money for days off).

All of this came out in one garbled mess to my boyfriend this morning, and I worry it's all very unfair and heavy for him and going to drive him away. But I've become near obsessed. I was all for freezing asap but have since read those statistics and probably need to think again.

I know life is impossible to plan - life has taught me that over and over again recently - but I'd appreciate your thoughts. What would you do? Freeze now and get it over and done with, or wait till I'm maybe feelng less panicked and do it in a better state?

And how do I talk about this with my boyfriend (who wants to know what's going on) without making him feel under huge amounts of pressure and pushing him away? The anxiety about doing that is ironically making me even more clingy and weird about it all and I'm very embarrassed. I'm pretty calm and cool otherwise!

Sorry for the garbled spiel. Haven't slept properly in two days due to this worry, which seems to be getting worse as 35 approaches next week!

Would appreciate any views / reassurance / blunt truth at this point. Am I being overly panicked? How do I relax about this?

I should have said (in paragraph 2) that I talked to my EX boyfriend (with cancer) about it - not my current boyfriend, who is lovely!

Tbh I think you're panicking over something too early. You're still young.

Enjoy your next couple of years with your boyfriend then bring the conversation up with your boyfriend.

I conceived at 37 and 41 with no issues

I think it's right to be concerned about your fertility - fertility does start to decline after 35 years - yes you'll get people replying on here that they are in their 40s and got pregnant first try but that's the exception rather than the norm (you only have to check out the infertility boards to see that)

Getting pregnant may be easy but you have no idea how easy or hard it will be to STAY pregnant - I know they say 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage but in my age group (mid 30s) and amongst all my friends I would say the figure is more like 50% maybe more with most of us experiencing some form of infertility.

Your AMH does look good (mine at 35 was 12.9) and my antral follicle count was around 10/12 (you can have this at any time of the month by the way)

If your partner wants 2 kids in 4 years time he best get cracking - men have no idea of timelines when it comes To making a baby! 🤣 and as for his family being super fertile unless he's personally been getting a woman pregnant as soon as he looks at one he has no idea if that is actually the case!

Egg freezing does have lower success rate - it is better to freeze embryos than it is eggs but if you collect a good enough number you should be ok - most clinics offer a 3 cycle package where you have to go for egg collection 3 times. As a warning though I had 14 eggs collected in my first round of ivf and only 3 made it to blastocyst - so a 20% conversion rate so you ll need to get a lot in the freezer to guarantee just a couple being successfully fertilised in the future

As for the hormonal thing I do short protocol mild stim ivf which takes 14 days max and only on drugs for about 10/12 days compared to the 6 weeks of normal ivf (it's the 4 weeks of down reg which really affects your hormones as it's basically putting you in menopause) so there are lots of options out there

I'd take a couple of weeks to really consider your options - talk to your boyfriend again calmly and without pressure and set a time line - if it's one you can't live with and you think he ll keep moving the deadline then freeze your eggs 🥚

I really feel for you. What a hard time you've had with your dad and your ex. I'm the person a previous poster warned you against- I'm pregnant at 44 and also have a lovely healthy 2 year old- but I remember feeling exactly the way you did. I have researched fertility extensively and the biggest drops seem to be around 37/38 and again around 42. I genuinely think 35 is an arbitrary number banded around because it's a round number half way through a decade. In your position I'd give your boyfriend another year and try to avoid too much pressure and baby talk. Let him know that trying for a baby is a make or break for you by 37 and concentrate on building this relationship to be a strong foundation first. I noticed you've also had a lot of time as a carer and think you deserve a bit of fun too. Egg freezing sounds like a waste of money to be honest. I had to sit it out for a lot longer than you in similar circumstances to yours and I found it hard, but I think just one year or so is a reasonable compromise to ensure this is the right man for you anyway. Also, I got pregnant with terrible AMH and AFC so I don't trust those much.

Hi StartingAgain33 - sorry to hear you're feeling rubbish. I have to agree with itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted. There are all kinds of possible outcomes but you have absolutely no evidence to guarantee you and your boyfriend are on the right side of luck. Women feel the urge to conceive more deeply because we carry the babies. Plus age is on your boyfriend's side only. I met my husband late in life. We tried from when I was 34 for 2 years, then did IVF and had our son first try. However we've been trying for number two for a year which includes two failed embryo transfers and I'm not sure if we're going to be able to give our son a sibling. I'm 38 and my AMH went down from 16 to 6 in only 2 years.

In my opinion you should decide which is more important - life with this boyfriend (which isn't certain if it doesn't work out for whatever reason) or being a mother. You might get both but you might not. So maybe tell him how much it means to you to start trying for a baby within a certain timeframe (say in 6-12 months) and explain that no matter how sad it would be to end the relationship you would have to go after your dream. I think that's fair.

I wish you the best of luck in coping with this stress and worry, and also in being strong enough to look after yourself in the long run x

I'm so sorry for everything that you're going through. It sounds like your early 30s were a really traumatic time for you and it's no wonder that thinking about having children will bring up a lot of emotions for you.

I could be completely off, so feel free to discard this - but do you think panic that you're feeling is somehow linked to the loss of your dad? I only suggest it because I went through something similar myself. I was a carer for my dad, alongside having a shitty boyfriend (he didn't have any sort of illness, but the dynamic of our relationship definitely meant I was also a carer of sorts for him). I think grief is so unpredictable in how and when it comes up, but it also takes a long time to heal. I'm just wondering if the idea of potentially not being able to have a baby (and there is definitely still hope that you will!) is bringing up the same feelings of loss and being out of control - therefore the anxiety cycle you describe. Plus, you had a really unsupportive relationship whilst you were caring for you dad. That doesn't for a second reflect on you, but it's likely shaped the expectations that you have in this relationship.

It also sounds like you've found a really supportive partner. If you're used to taking a caring role it can be hard to switch away from prioritising other people's feelings. From your post it seems like you're more concerned about how your feeling impacts on your partner. I'd take a risk and really let him know how panicked you are. Just be clear that you're not putting any expectations on him or looking for him to fix anything, but that it's a conversation you want to be able to have as part of your relationship. You could even say, I might come across as a bit panicky, but I'm trying to work this out and I want to do it with your support. If you want to eventually plan for children/ a future together, talking about this emotional rollercoaster is a good place to start!

I'm also in the 'it will probably be ok' camp RE your fertility. However, regardless of what the future holds, you need to reassure yourself that you are doing the best thing by planning for this and thinking it through. I'd just trust your partner a little bit more to be on this journey with you, rather than feeling like you have to do it alone.

Also - that Dr sounds like an a**e! I'd make a complaint

SMWH1, I think you have a few really good points there. Thank you. I think a fair bit of this is fuelled by the feeling I've been 'cheated' out of a lot of time by a guy that wasted it, and I feel quite angry and like i have to make up for it. I've also become convinced I will never get what I want, and can't say what I need - even though my boyfriend has basically told me I'll be fine because he's planning on being part of my future with me and wants these things too. It's like it won't go in because for years I convinced myself I couldn't be an awful person and that I could not put my own needs first or maybe believe that might even happen!

I have found it difficult to access the grief for my dad, and yes there's probably a bit of wanting to pin stuff down there - someone to love forever, because nothing else is guaranteed (not that babies are but you get my drift).

I did go to grief counselling but it was short therapy and I mostly avoided the actual subject because I knew I only had six sessions, and she sort of did too as she felt it would be irresponsible to then have to end things (NHS counsellng). Currently looking at paid options.

Thanks to the others too for your insightful and well informed comments! @PetraRabbit I agree, 35 seems like an arbitrary rounded numbers and the stats certainly say 37 is really the time.

I guess I could give it a year? Better than going on another 'hunt' - this guy is a real winner and they're rare. I've had loads of relationships and ended most of them myself because I didn't see a future. I do with this one.

@ChatWithMe that sounds so gruelling. I really feel for you. And yes, it's so easy to think things will be okay and then they're not. I dn't think I could do IVF like that without severe effects on my mental health which is definitely less robust than it was after everything.

@Smwh1 I forgot to tag you in the message above!

Yes StartingAgain33 looking for a good guy is a big task in itself so hopefully this one is a keeper :-) Good luck with whatever path you take x