When to stop wishing for number two?

[ChatWithMe]

Hi all.

My hubby and I have a 17 month old baby from our first IVF cycle. I'm now 38. We've tried for one year to conceive number two. We've tried two more embryo transfers, both failed. Trying another embryo transfer then a couple more treatments after that. Feeling disheartened. I think next year I have to draw a line under it and resign myself to the fact my son will be an only child.

(1) Are any of you an only child because your parents couldn't conceive more children? How did you feel growing up an only child?

(2) Are any of you mums of one child knowing you can't have any more? How have you worked towards acceptance of this (if you had wanted more? I know some only want one child!)?

Just been a bit down I guess. Wondering if others can help me understand how to move forward emotionally next year once it's clear IVF won't work for us again....

Thanks x

I have one DC who is 3 1/2 - we've been trying for a sibling since they were 2 - since ttc we've had 4 mc and 2 ruptured ectopics so unable to conceive naturally again as both tubes removed and also had 2 failed ivf - both FET. (Well One of those was an ectopic)

We said to ourselves 2019 was our IVF year - after that we have to try and move on with our lives. I start my second egg collection round next month and already at the back of my mind I'm wondering whether we can afford another round next year. My second ectopic was only last month and up till then I always thought at least we still had a chance of naturally conceiving but now that's gone it's very hard to deal with some days

I thought I had made peace with our decision not to try anymore after this year but the closer it gets to the deadline the less sure I feel.

The problem is life is completely on hold - all spare money being pumped into IVF - no holidays, no big purchases, we d like to move house but can't till we know what's going to happen, I'm the main earner so also can't change jobs until I know for sure I'm not going to need another maternity leave
I feel bad for my DC who is missing out on things and because I've been so preoccupied with getting pregnant then staying pregnant when dealing with losing our babies

Hi itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted - thank you very much for responding to my post. You have been through so much! Sounds like it was both physically and emotionally painful. My sister had an ectopic pregnancy and said it was awful pain. I know what you mean by putting life on hold and the stress of the financial costs of IVF. Tbh it's caused problems in my relationship with my husband. He wants another baby but isn't as fixated on it as I am. So when we argue he has even said he'll ring the clinic and cancel last minute before an embryo transfer. So not only did I worry about not getting pregnant, I also worried about him withdrawing his consent! Does your partner feel the same way as you or are you bearing most of the emotional burden? Sometimes I wonder if a male partner actually understands how bad it is for us to go through the grueling experience of IVF. I wish you peace in your journey. Sending you virtual hugs!

My DH is probably more on board this time than he was when ttc the first time - I think he understands what it means to be a daddy now but he is also 5 years older than me (41) and I think age will become an issue soon as pretty sure he won't want to do the baby/toddler years much longer (DC is only just starting to sleep through the night)

I think as women we naturally become more obsessed with ttc than men - we get to experience the pregnancy bit and the maternity leave and maternal bond is like nothing else in those early years - I'm lucky that In the last 18 months and after 6 losses our relationship is probably stronger. At times we've very much been on our own coping with It all - unless you go through ivf (and pregnancy loss) personally it's difficult to describe to family/friends how the whole process makes you feel - the constant rollercoaster of hope and disappointment

It's a bit emotionally abusive of your DH to threaten to withdraw consent - he knows it's the one thing he has over you and he's using it unfairly - although I often wondered what would happen if my DH did that to me - I think I'd threaten to use a sperm donor instead!

Wishing you all the luck with your journey too xx

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted - I agree with you that it's wrong. I hope our marriage can see this through. I want a happy childhood for our son. My hubby worries that once we have number two I'll leave him. So I guess that's where the threat to cancel treatment comes from. Anyhow, I'm so glad you have a strong relationship with your partner. I'm also glad your tot is sleeping through the night. One thing my hubby is really helpful with is tending to our boy in the night when he has night terrors and for his 5am milk. So it's not all bad. Despite the sleep deprivation of a newborn I'd still love to go through it all again a second time. However, we don't always get to choose how life pans out. I like the quote 'happiness isn't about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you got'. I love our son more than life itself and to me that's enough. Good luck with your next treatment (and fingers crossed for mine!). Maybe it's not the end of the road just yet x