Ttc 1 yr and feeling depressed

[Jess35]

Hi, this is quite hard for me to talk about. I don’t really have any support or no one that really understands. I hope maybe I could find at least 1 person here. My Dh and I have been TTC for almost 1 yr and I’ve been worried recently that I’m too caught up in proving I can have a baby than actually having a baby. Everyone says relax and it will happen but I’m convinced I can’t for various reasons. I feel I’m losing that magic. 35yrs old and never really wanted to be an ’older’ mum but my DH (40yr) struggled to get ‘onboard’ (so to speak) until last yr and now I feel selfish and all consumed by this point to make. I do so want a child for the last 10yrs, I used to visualise who our son or daughter would be, but now it’s turned into some sort of depression. I really do feel so alone in this….am I??

Sorry you're feeling this way. I totally know the feeling. Same with my DH. He took a long time to get onboard but now he wants it just as much as me. This is our 24th month. We had one BFP but ended in mc and that's made me feel even more desperate. Like we were almost in touching distance of getting what we wanted.
It can feel incredibly lonely and I find these boards really useful for venting and seeing that I'm not alone in how I feel.
I can't really offer any advice. At the mommy strategy is to keep busy and hope for the best!

Thank you for replying squirrelnutkins. I’m sorry to hear about your mc :-( I really wish you all the best for you and your dh and to obtain some sort of peace with this whole crazy emotional journey! My dh said it seems like a cruel joke that after the 2ww which is full of hope and anticipation that we’re not only tormented with af and the fact we’re not pg but all the hormones that come with it to make us feel that slight bit worse. Nice he kind of gets it. This month I’m going to do some fertility yoga, knitting my never ending scarf and look after my body on the inside. I shall be appreciative of what I have now and plan for my holiday in Sept. I maybe might join in on a few threads here, so I’m not just floating around in my depression. Thanks again for replying! X

Yes. It's the most fucked up thing about long term ttc. You doubt yourself. And life is on hold, it feels like. So when you start ttc, it's the 'right' time, but circumstances change as time goes on (jobs change, family changes etc...).

You always wanted a child, but then you begin to question how far you're willing to go, and then you start asking why...

I had my dd through this week ivf. Started ttc when I'd just turned 32. I'm 35 and dd is 5 months (nearly). I wanted one before 30, but dh wasn't ready. He though it would happen instantly. I must admit there's still a little resentment that he 'made' us wait. I never wanted to have just one child, and now I'm starting to think I don't want to even contemplate the rabbit hole I went down. And many many women have it worse - my first ivf worked!

You're not crazy. Counselling and anti-depressants helped a bit. You've wanted this forever. And wanting a child is not unreasonable or crazy. Whatever happens, you aren't alone.

Oh god i totally do! I think that I’m just too selfish now and how could I be a good parent being this selfish by wanting a baby! Yup and the slight resentment that my dh didn’t really want one. We’ve only just got back on track tbh. Though I feel now that he’s agreed to having a baby with me so he doesn’t lose me. F’d up really. He keeps trying to reassure me but I can’t help but have those feelings. Then he also thought it would happen straight away because he once got a gf pg way back (ending in mc). So now I feel and maybe he feels it’s to do with me as to why we haven’t conceived yet. Totally venting now. ‘Safe place’! Haha. Having a few low self doubt of everything week. I even cried when I tried to meditate today. Bah! Tomorrow is a new day! 👍🏽

Feel very similar, particularly around the idea that you think will happen which now feels naive but on that same thought, it does seem to be 'just happening' for an awful lot of other people and round your mind goes! Have you had any tests yet?

It really does feel like everyone is pg or about to give birth, but I suppose I can’t judge and think it has come easy to them. They might have felt like this too. This might just be my personal journey. Yup I test a lot! Bad I know, but I resign myself to see a negative so I actually don’t feel disappointed in that way. Its sounds really depressing to even read that back, but I think this whole process is making me feel like that. Another yoga day today and I didn’t cry, bonus!

Oh hun, we tried for ages then I put my husband on a vegan diet and fell pregnant 2 months later. Might help

Funny you should say that, my dh and I have become pescatarians over the last few months. My husband would not really eat veg and would rather have processed meat and pizzas. Now he would even try broccoli! Alcohol consumption has drastically decreased with it (he’ll never give up his IPAs or a bottle of red for anyone haha). We’re both taking supplements/pregnacare and exercising - we’re probably the most healthy we have been for years. It’s stress I think, we were in a pretty bad place over a year ago and I think the stress of that has really caught up. Meditation and relaxation is something we’re really trying now. I have a docs appointment on Monday for a second blood test. We’ll see if anything comes out of that.