talking about ttc with friends with kids

[sociallyinept]

I've changed my name for this as I'm not proud of myself and also don't want to be recognised.

I have a friend who has been ttc for about 3 years. She is a very close friend, but we haven't seen each other that much since she moved away 6 years ago. We speak on the phone about once a month or so, but it's not the same.

Anyway we almost never speak about the ttc, although it's always at the back of my mind when I speak to her - I try not to whinge/brag about dd too much (but obviously I talk about her. I have very little else in my life to talk about). I figure if she has news, or wants to talk about it then she'll mention it. Also we don't really do heart to heart conversations in general (thinking about it, I'm not even sure if I do them at all. Perhaps I'm too English)

But yesterday I made a very glib comment about it (nothing outrageous, but I could tell from her voice that she was annoyed or upset). I didn't immediately apologise - don't know why.

Now I don't know what to do - whether bringing it up again will upset her more. I probably should have posted this in relationships, but it's precisely because it's about ttc, that I'm having a hard time. I want to tell her that I really feel for her etc etc, but really don't know where to begin and don't know if that's appropriate (I got preg at the second attempt). I'm not normally like this.

So I suppose I'm asking for experiences you've had with talking to facetious friends about ttc - and what those friends could have or did do to make up for it. I would very much appreciate it.

What was your specific comment?

I found myself having the same problem. A friend of mine announced she was 7 weeks pregnant, about a week later I found I was pregnant. Mine was accident hers was very much wanted. She lost her baby. I felt really guilty about it. Although she still phones me and I her I feel like things between us are strained and I'm always putting my foot in it (ie, saying that I'm finding being pregnant hard, she says she thought it was lovely!). I've thought about trying to write a letter apologising and explaining how much it is on my mind when I speak to her, but like you I don't know how to go about it. That would be my advice to you though. I am able to talk to my friend about her TTC. A letter explaining how you feel would maybe bring it out in the open and mean that it can be a topic for discussion between you. Maybe she is even dying to open her heart to you.

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I can't remember the exact words, but I asked her if there was any news on it, and when the answer was no I said words to the effect that it would be good if she had a baby as then dd would have someone to play with (as if she's going to be that bothered about that). I really wanted to say something more supportive, but couldn't find the words.

I don't think I'll be taking a course in counselling in the near future.

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I think you sound like a good friend, in that you realise that it was an innocuous comment to the outside world, it's different when dealing with someone who's been ttc for a long time as we tend to be an (over)sensitive breed!
If I were your friend I'd love to hear from you - a note posted to her would be nice - that way you neede feel awkward bringing it up in conversation. If she wants to talk about it, the note will give her a reason to do so.

I've given up telling my MIL any details of ttc, as everytime I say I have something to tell her or if I say I'm tired/unwell she immediately says: "oo, any news?" I know she means well but she really has NO idea what it's like, as she fell pg straight away with both dh and his brother and had very straightforward pregnancies. It's kinder not to say anything to her in case I end up biting her head off! I'm sure your friend didn't mean to overreact - it's just very hard at times.

should say 'needn't'