What do you wish you knew before trying to conceive?

[sar1988]

Hi all

Sorry if this thread has been asked before but looking for your answers to "what do you wish you knew before trying to conceive?"

Many thanks

That ovulation kits are really helpful in trying to conceive because you don't always ovulate when you think (my days varied a lot after the pill).

And that the first 6-8 weeks of not sleeping when the baby arrives is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do.

Ah thanks OP didn’t mean to make it a pity party

*That just because school sex ed tells you if you have sex once you will get pregnant, the reality is that for lots of couples it takes time.
More people find it takes time or they need a helping hand than I ever realised. It was only once I shared fertility struggles with a couple of close friends and then got pregnant did people share their struggles. It's easy to think everyone else just manages it and you're faulty.

I'd be in favour of more accurate sex ed in schools*

Probably not the best idea to tell teens that they won't get pregnant. I certainly did first time and it didn't end in miscarriage.

Most teens aren't ttc so what value does it add to tell them? We definitely should educate couples however.

That it would take as long as it did and age seems to be against us ladies.
Having said that the time wouldn’t have been right beforehand (my Dad was poorly and I’d just started a business so no cash flow)
Just wish I hadn’t been so complacent about it all. After a long haul (years of TTC and a miscarriage) am now pregnant with DC2 and if all goes well there will be a ceremonial burning of the ovulation tests and maybe DH and I can DTD when we want to rather than when we have to! (Sorry if TMI)
On a positive note - my 4 year old is the light of my life and I love being a Mum.

Something I was already fully aware of but is the most important thing to know: it could happen in the first month or it could take years. As PP mentioned, saliva can kill sperm. It's worth buying expensive OPKs especially if your cycles are irregular, or quite long/short. Make sure your vitamin d is decent- go on holiday if you can. Get DP to the gym- this is what seemed to make the difference between the 17 months we didn't concieve and the 1 where we did! And though 'it'll happen when you stop trying' is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, it will probably happen on the month you least expect it!

In pregnancy terms, be aware of what can go wrong but don't be constantly in fear. Early on in my pregnancy I read something that really stuck with me; if the worst does happen you are going to be utterly devastated no matter what and expecting something to go wrong is unlikely to cushion that blow, so really just try to enjoy it. 1 in 5 pregnant women get PGP/SPD- I knew of it but always thought it was very rare. For every symptom you have you will find at least one person who breezed through without getting it, and one person who had it sooooo much more severely. You will get comments on your body whether you like it or not, and no matter what your bump size you will get people saying you're huge and people saying you're tiny! Feeling your baby move is the most wonderful thing but once it starts you will be in a constant panic over the way and how often they are moving. Once you get to about 38 weeks you will have people constantly asking whether you've had the baby yet. And my newest one as of yesterday, finding out at 41 weeks that only 1 in 10 pregnancies get to 41 weeks will piss you off!

I can't comment on the actual having a child bit yet as I'm still waiting! But I think @ISpeakJive has the best summary, from the moment you start TTC'ing, you will worry for the rest of your life.

Probably not the best idea to tell teens that they won't get pregnant. I certainly did first time and it didn't end in miscarriage.
Most teens aren't TTC(trying to conceive)so what value does it add to tell them? We definitely should educate couples however.
I haven't suggested telling students they won't get pregnant.
I've advocated having accurate sex education lessons.

Two very different things.

Couples lessons where you are told how to have sex sounds absolutely painful.

Why not just do it properly when sex ed is given? How hard is it to say that 'there's a limited number of fertile days a month, sperm and eggs only live for so long, but any unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy as there's no guaranteed way that a woman's cycle will remain the same month to month so if you want to prevent pregnancy then correctly used contraception is a must' ?

Much better than 'if you have unprotected sex once you will fall pregnant'. I can't help but think unplanned teen pregnancy in the UK and US is still an issue and yet the solution seems to be scare messages rather than treating teens as young adults who are capable of being spoken yo as young adults.

I agree with ovulation kits I used the cheap ones on eBay (one step) and they worked great and so much cheaper than clearblue ones!

@bbgxd I think what @LolaSmiles meant was that maybe it should be a bit more accurate so girls know when they become women and want a baby more on how it works and the body clock etc just so they are aware. It is not being suggested hey be told that they won't get pregnant just more the reality. And that there is a chance if they don't know their cycles and natural planning isn't the most successful and of course about preventing infections.

That pregnancy is shit, giving birth is shit, c sections are licenced butchery and fucking horrific, the bleeding is awful, people who should support you at a vulnerable time might not. But, my DD is incredible and I wouldn't change her for the world and some of the scan photos are pretty cool.

@Bellasblankexpression hang on in there. Took me four pregnancies to get my beautiful girl. The heartache we went through and the 1 in a 100000 of everything we have endured in different pregnancies I definitely started to think it wasn't meant to be but against all the odds it happened.

That it isn't as easy ttc as many people make out And that you'd end up tired, bitter and lonely

That secondary infertility is as devastating as it was the first time round

That id end up with no tubes and infertile by age 36

Abi58
It's exactly that.

It's about teaching the facts to young adults who are capable of understanding them, not doing the current thing which is to push the inevitability of pregnancy which suggests it will happen instantly.

Look at how many people on here have said they had no idea TTC could take so long, that they've felt lonely, struggled with it and so on. It could be prevented by losing the ridiculous scare approach to sex ed and have a sensible mature discussion with reasonable young adults.

I wish I’d known how stressful and emotionally draining TTC is especially when it takes what seems like ages. I made the mistake of comparing myself to others who got pregnant right away and it seriously affected my mental health.

There was also no such thing as ‘casually trying’ for me, once we’d made the decision it was hard to put the genie back in the box. It’s easier said than done but take time off as a couple and go on dates/weekends/holidays where you agree not to mention it. You need a strong relationship if things don’t go to plan and an even stronger one if they do (newborn phase is really hard).

Also save money before and during. I needed it for private fertility treatment and to top up my rubbish maternity pay.

I agree Lola, there should be a more honest conversation about fertility in schools with girls and boys.

Teenagers aren’t stupid, more could be achieved if they were armed with the facts about fertility and contraception.

I was shocked at how little my husband knew about the biology of TTC when we started the process. Literally had to explain ovulation and menstruation as if he were in school. Apparently in his school the boys were made to leave the room when the female biology was explained.

I completely agree - seems like my age group 30s+ had it drummed into us about unwanted teen pregnancy and how it would ruin our lives and about "safe" sex but nothing about taking responsibility for our own fertility about how small the window actually is if you want multiple children and about what can go wrong - that waiting until our mid 30s early 40s to start ttc is the worst thing we could have done - ivf is of course a good thing but it shouldn't be there to bail us out when we've let the best years of our fertility get away for us whilst we were focussed on careers and travelling

Men should also be given more awareness about what fertility actually means - seems like most of them have a Peter Pan complex these days - that they can't ever grow up and when they realise they actually want to be a parent us women are already on the edge of/or past our peak fertility and it makes things ten times as hard

that waiting until our mid 30s early 40s to start ttc is the worst thing we could have done

I take exception to this, as do probably a lot of women on these boards.

Bezalelle
Statistically it is harder as we get older.
Maybe the PP phrased it harshly but they're right to say people should be made aware that fertility declines with age and whilst IVF is there, it isn't a guarantee and you may not be eligible.

All we were told in school was that women will typically go through the menopause in their 50s.

Giving people the information to make informed decisions as they get older and plan their lives can only be a good thing.

@Bezalelle
Not sure why what I said should cause offence?
I'm in my mid thirties and going through IVF.
Statistically whether we like it or not fertility declines with age (that's why the NHS has an age limit) - yes there are women on these boards who get pregnant within a couple of months in their late 30s and 40s but they really are the exception and not the norm.

My point was that we should take responsibility for consciously putting off ttc until an age when it's accepted throughout the medical world that fertility is in decline.

That pregnancy is a fucking boring drag. You feel lonely and isolated.
Things start to hurt.

I'm due end aug!

How horrendous morning sickness can be - I would have made the most of enjoying food in the first week or two after taking the test.

@PixieLumos I'm with you there!

That miscarriages can and might happen to YOU and many of your friends/family. I was so naive.

That mc are like period pain - definitely weren’t for me. Very painful and lasted a week.

Secondary infertility - do not be fooled if it was easy/straight forward to get pregnant the first time. You might be shocked.

OV sticks are helpful. My most fertile days changed every month.

Like others have said, the short amount of time you are actually fertile each month. Such a small amount of time.

Pregnancy - can be damn hard work and the comments from the fellow public has been eye opening. I’ve also been amazed at the kindness of strangers.

I wish I knew that every pregnancy really is different and just because it was easy 1st time doesn't mean it will be easy next time.

Also, I wish I wasn't so naive. Miscarriages are common.

Also, lightning can strike twice (and more)

Don't think you're getting a rainbow baby, even after viability of 24 weeks.

15 babies die a day in the UK, just before, during or just after birth.

Educate yourself on Group B Strep.

Thank you @Rarfy stories like yours give me hope! I’m pregnant again and hoping it works out this time!