I’m ready but he’s not..?!

[DollyDaisyMayMight]

Hi ladies, just need a little bit of a chat.

Myself and OH have always talked about having a family from really early on in our relationship - it’s something we both want and have names picked out, talked about parenting styles etc.

I feel so so ready to try for a baby now, ready to start a new chapter in our lives. We are in our mid-late twenties.
We own our home and cars, have both families fairly close by of which we have good relationships with and feel really stable in our relationship together.
Now just feels like the right time for me - but OH doesn’t feel the same. He is studying along side his job in order to secure progression (in his current field) - and this will take approx 3 years to complete the qualification.
He says he wants to better our lives and have nice things and a nice home for our family - but we by no means live in poverty or struggle to get by. We run x2 cars, eat out fairly often and have 1 abroad holiday a year, with a couple of UK mini breaks. We aren’t rolling in it but are fairly comfortable and don’t have any debt (aside from our mortgage that is manageable and my very small student loan)

I am under no illusions about how long TTC could take - it could take years or we could be lucky and happen within a few months of starting trying - I suppose it’s a bit of unknown and we won’t know which until it happens. OH however seems to think it will just happen no bother and based on this wishes to wait a few more years before trying - so here I am, dutifully continuing taking the contraceptive pill. My friends in RL (some with families, some without) have joked that the power is in my hands and I should just stop taking the pill - but I couldn’t do that and take that choice away from him intentionally.

I know if it happened and we conceived accidentally that he’d be thrilled, just isn’t ready to plan it yet.

Although I am loving the freedom and ability to go out and ‘live my life’ - with friends and as a couple with OH, I just feel like I’m forever waiting to TTC

Has anyone else been in a similar situation or got advice or just happy to chat about this with me?

And there is never a ‘right time’ is there?

Are you married or planning to get married ? I'm not and have kids, buts it's just a consideration that if you plan to become a stay at home mum or part time Are you planning on going back to work and what will you do when you're on maternity, but not getting full pay, or do you have a generous maternity pay at work? Have you got savings ?

I think with the studying your OH is probably right to wait, but I'd check that you really are on the same page, it's not just carrot on a stick.

How old would you be when he's finished his studies ?

I am in the same position only I’ll be 30 next year (and can hear my biological clock ticking!) It’s so frustrating I’m such a planner normally but my urge to have a baby is now just ridiculous. OH is determined we should stick to the plan we made to make sure we had a good nest egg but I’ve lost all patience!

Again - marriage is on the agenda but has been kind of bumped into the same timescale as having children.
In terms of maternity leave etc - maternity package is fairly generous - most of my colleagues take 9-12 months and the pay can be averaged out over the chosen period. I’d plan to go back at least part time (2/3 of full time hours), and my job always has bank available for extra pennies when needed. However, I also know that it doesn’t always work out as planned - my DBro had additional needs and as a result my mum didn’t work go back to work for a long time.

We’d be 30 ish when OH has finished his course.

It's tough but ultimately there is nothing you can do except wait for him to be ready. In an ideal world, you're ready at the same time or the other person can be happily persuaded, but the reality is that when one person "gives in" (for lack of a better phrase) resentment can brew and damage the relationship and, in the end, the child will be the one who suffers for something that isn't their fault.
I understand your OHs concerns, my son wasn't planned at all but along he came. Took DH a while to come to terms with his new life (he adored DS though), and it hurt his MH meaning he is now on medication.
I miss my old life, I've lost friends and missed out things, but I wouldn't change what I've got IYSWIM.
I think you need to try and agree on a realistic time frame, if that won't work for one or both of you, then perhaps the relationship isn't right.

@Broodyinthebay it’s so frustrating isn’t it?!
I suppose if you could predict and plan exactly how things could go it would be fine to wait and plan; if you knew for sure that you’d conceive no bother then great but TTC is such an unknown and absolutely cannot be taken for granted!

There is a right time, when you both want children. Your partner has told you that he does not want to be a father yet.

I had a DP that said the same, for years. He was never quite 'ready' and had lots of excuses.

Once the excuses ran out he admitted he didn't want children after all.

Find out if he really does want DC, and compromise. Be careful not to waste lots of fertile years while you wait for him - when he could potentially turn around and say no, and then it's too late for you.

Tough one but I can understand wanting to finish studying.. but if that then means also waiting until he gets a new job/promotion & then time settling into the job etc, that’s quite frustrating. Maybe have a chat to him about how you are feeling and try to agree a time you’ll start. I was ready way earlier than my other half but we came to a conclusion in the end that worked for us.

Age wise, don’t worry. I had my first at 29 and my other half turned 30 a month after she was born. We didn’t feel old. In fact, we were the youngest in our NCT group! Two were 35, one 37, one 42 & one 31. We remain close friends & age is but a number when you are all going through the same things as parents! Whether you are 42 or 22, sleepless nights are a killer!