Parents - to tell or not to tell?

[lankyliscuits]

In a nutshell, we've been TTC for 10 months unbeknown to either of our parents. OH's parents pretty much never mention grandkids but they do already have 3, whereas I'm an only child and the pressure from my parents is getting a bit much. The longer we try, the more the comments are getting more difficult to deal with. Most recently today, my Mum has replied to something I've posted on social media about turning 28 soon with "You're biological clock is ticking". Then it's the usual comments that seem to crop up such as "When are you going to give us grandchildren? When are you having babies?" etc etc. I know they mean no malice and they'd probably be mortified if they knew they were being insensitive but on the flip side I still don't want to have to tell them we're trying to stop the comments. What's your views on this and have/did you tell parents about your TTC journey?

Also meant to add, instead of telling them does anyone have any suggestions for responses to such comments which would nicely get the message across that they need to stop asking?

You could generally say look it will happen and when it does we will tell you.

I told ours when I came off the pill for that reason so they knew we were trying and 1 wouldn't be completely shocked when we told them and 2 to stop those comments as many people try for a while before they're successful and comments like that when you want it so badly does hurt and I think unless you've been in that position most people don't realise so I agree don't be blatant it's upsetting you.

🤞🏻 for you that it happens soon 💕

Thanks lovely! I suppose I worry that by them knowing we're trying the pressure may ramp up more because for ages we've outright side "it's not yet for us" and I think because I am an only child they'd get extremely excited if they knew, they can't wait to have grandkids. But if I told them but said they need to leave us to it sort of thing... I'd obviously check with my OH first before potentially sharing the news. Such a bloody dilemma!

Aw yeah I know what you mean. Do what's right for you but you could say you're trying and please leave it to you to announce the news because that will be more special and if you've had an unsuccessful month you would prefer nothing is said? Sort of in a way that doesn't imply they have already caused any upset - if that makes sense
🤞🏻💕

I'd maybe tell them that you're concentrating on other things for a couple of years and are going to start trying when you're 30. These days so many people aren't even starting to think of TTC until their 30s anyway so it might stop them hinting if they think you've fully discussed it and have a timescale. Then if you conceive in a few months, be honest and say you were feeling so much pressure from them you were worried it was making you too anxious so you were playing for time for a bit. They'll be thrilled and won't be mad at you and it might stop the inevitable repeat scenario when you have one LO and they're after you having a second.
Best of luck BTW xxx

I would be telling them to keep their comments and questions to themselves. I suggest you start enforcing some boundaries now, well before you have a baby.

Most recently today, my Mum has replied to something I've posted on social media about turning 28 soon with "You're biological clock is ticking".
😳
No pressure then. My mum used to be like this with my brother until one day I told her that not everyone wanted children and not everyone could have them. And that she had to stop.
Just as well because it took them 10 more years and a lot of upset and worry.
I personally would not tell them, I will say please stop the comments.
You don't need that kind of pressure and it is not her business

Good luck OP

I’m in the same position- my MIL likes to announce at parties that her are determined to not give her grandkids I’m genuinely perplexed why she feels this is ok as she works as a midwife and I know she had several miscarriage when she was going through it all.

I had to attend two separate events yesterday and went primed with passive aggressive responses for all the “why aren’t you pregnant- you have nearly been married a year???!!!” comments. My favourite response was ‘but if we actually HAD a baby what would the first thing people would ask us about at parties??!’

"You're biological clock is ticking"

Said to a 28 yr old in a stable relationship? She is being bloody ridiculous, tell her to get a life and butt out of yours.

Honestly this intrusive and utterly self centred pressure on women to have children for someone else, to satisfy someone else's desires is both selfish and cruel.

I'd also consider the future. If she treats you like this now what on earth will she be like as and when you have children?

@lankyliscuits I wouldn’t tell them personally.

I know people who have told parents about ttc and it just increased the pressure and invited unwanted advice and judgment on everything they did

Just say that when it happens they’ll know and it will happen one day but just tell them how stressful it is that it gets brought up all the time and that it’s not appropriate to put comments like that on social media as you don’t know what other people might be struggling with

When my SIL was ttc my mum just kept telling her she got pregnant first time with every pregnancy- not helpful information! I think all parents are like it if it’s a first GC your not alone but maybe just politely ask her to stop

Good luck !

I definitely wouldn’t tell them. They are already overstepping reasonable boundaries. Telling them would just reward that and reinforce their belief that they’re entitled to comment on something so private. Tell them clearly that the comments are intrusive and that making them publicly is rude. Say clearly that they’ll know when there us actual news but this pushing is unwelcome.

If you don’t nip it in the bud they’ll comment the whole time you’re trying, then throughout your pregnancy, opinions on your birth and parenting.

I disagree this is normal. My mum would never assume or overstep like this. She understands this stuff is personal and can be sensitive.

I wouldn't tell here. It sound like she would be an absolute nightmare if you did. She will be demanding updates and so on.
Next time she says something I would just just say that it's not something you are thinking about right now, and it's none of her business.

@lankyliscuits feel like you wrote this post for me! DH and I married for almost two years, just bought our first house, ttc almost 6 months. I know that isn't long at all in grand scheme of things and compared to others but the pressure from my side is immense. My mum always makes comments like 'you'll have no trouble - I got pregnant straight away wth you 3'. Little does she know that we are already trying and fertility levels are NOT hereditary! I'm finding it harder and harder to take the comments cos every month now I'm pretty much in tears when AF shows. Like you, I know she'd be devastated if she knew she was causing hurt, but close family or not, I don't feel like it's anyone's business, other than you and your partner, to be asking questions about when are you having kids etc.!

Thank you everyone for your useful insightful responses. I think we'll definitely continue to keep it private between us two and next time a comment gets made I'm going to try and be more stern... My issue is I'm not very good with confrontation so I've made comments in the past in probably too much of a nice roundabout way but obviously I need to spell it out! It just gets to the point sometimes where I just want to scream IT'S NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING! But I know an outburst wouldn't help anybody. Thanks lovelies ❤️ and baby dust to all x