Partner having difficulties

[CateyA]

So we’ve been ttc for several about 6 months now. Partner is totally on board and excited about becoming a family.

Unfortunately there has been a lot of stress due to a very close family member being ill and then passing.

I think the combination of stress due to wanting to conceive and stress and grief due to the loss is making performance during the fertile window near impossible.

He’s older than me at 46 and I’m 40 so I feel we haven’t got a lot of time left to try naturally. So again more pressure.

This month we tried four times during the window. The intimacy was lovely but when it came to it he couldn’t finish.

I know he’s so disappointed with himself it only adds to the stress. I’ve tried my best to reassure him but tbvh I’m getting a bit worried now myself.

It’s been several months of this, I think out of six months trying we’ve only potentially had two reasonably successful months but neither resulted in a

Between fertile windows sex is usually find although at times he can’t finish but that’s not so much of an issue

Anyone else in this boat?
I can talk more with him about this but I’m worried it’ll add the pressure even further. As potentially will going to the doctors so I want to have an idea of options possible solutions before I approach it

Help

Sorry about the typos I can’t work out how to edit them now

I think you maybe should plan a wee overnight away during the fertile window and if he's up for it get a couples massage, room service, have a bath together and even watch films just be totally relaxed, no pressure. Have fun and maybe away from the every day stresses it may be a happy ending (so to speak) lol

We're older too at 42 and 47 but fell pregnant naturally last year, sadly miscarried and trying again.

We both have stressful jobs as well as a 3 year old but find a wee break away helps with the romance.

Good luck

@CateyA sorry about your problems. I think some ladies try keeping cycle tracking info to themselves so their OH isn't aware of what it fertile window and what is just for fun. And that way they try and reduce the pressure to perform.

Does he find it easier to finish on his own?

OH didn’t have any issues finishing but we couldn’t always have sex due to pain on my end, so I bought a turkey baster and said if sex wasn’t an option he could masturbate, either with me or in another room, then bring the result to me in a plastic cup. Which I’d then suck up and put inside of me.

Didn’t end up doing it but was nice to know the option was there, don’t think the sperm are quite as good quality having been out in a cup and then into where they need to be but it’s worth a try and better than nothing.

Many men can easily crank one out quickly on their own with more pressure or grip or a different technique to what they feel during sex. Is that an option?

@CateyA we're absolutely in this boat. It's been an issue for 15 years and I feel awful for him, it's neither worse nor better now I'm off the pill. He's 35. I don't mention anything if I know the time is a good time but ultimately we would never manage it the amount of times these ladies on here do. I consider once a week good. Three times recently we've been unsuccessful. Its a rubbish situation and he's started to say things like 'he will be the reason we don't have children'. As I've also got PCOS it's pretty likely it'll never happen. I've no idea what the answer is ☹️

This is what happened with my husband and I and I truly believe it was down to the pressure he was feeling. Even at 27 he couldn’t always perform so I don’t believe it always age related. I would have finished him off jointly or he did it on his own and as one of the other posters said would have used a turkey baster. A lot of the time he would lose his erection and felt totally deflated so sometimes I would give the intercourse a miss and go straight to foreplay. Not the most intimate thing but I tried to make him feel that his pleasure was just as important. I would never let him know where I was in my cycle but he obviously guessed as I would up the ante around that time. It’s a hard one and especially difficult to talk to him about.

We had this exact situation. We have a very loving affectionate relationship but probably only had sex a couple of times a month (normal for us and both happy with this) before TTC.

The increase in frequency and added pressure was just a disaster. The more you try to relax the worse we found it as it's just the elephant in the room. For two months we tried and he couldn't finish. The next month I suggested we try the stork conception kit (amazon or Superdrug) to take the pressure off and to my surprise he agreed straight away and I think was slightly relieved. There is a cheaper version available as well I believe on eBay/amazon.

In the end we couldn't find one in Superdrug and I was already the day after ovulation (so I thought) so as a last attempt for that month we did the turkey baster method and said we would buy the stork kit for the following month. As it turns out not needed - BFP 2 weeks later!

We've talked about it a lot since and it might not be the "perfect" way to conceive or to everyone's preference but it worked for us and stopped sex feeling like a chore.

Thanks all it really helps knowing this isn’t just us. From some of the other boards it feels like everyone is at it like rabbits without an issue.

I’m going to suggest the conception kit as an idea so we have a back up plan each month.

We ended up succeeding this month yesterday which is o day so now I’m in the tww to see if it’s positive. Fingers crossed. I feel like this is the nearest to a proper attempt we’ve had so far.

Thanks again for your support I very much appreciate it xx