I’m ready to start trying but he isn’t

[MissMH]

I need advice, I’ve been ready for about a year now but my partner isn’t. Some background info: I’m only 20 and he’s 21 which I know can seem young but we already have our first mortgage and got it at 18 which shows how well we handle money etc, both been in full time work since 16 which is how old I was when we met so we have been together a fair while. Every time we have the talk he says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want it yet which is what I struggle to understand, if he had solid reasons we could talk about them but he just doesn’t. Can anyone give me advice on how to handle this?

I’m new to mumsnet so sorry if this isn’t the place

I'd just have an open calm conversation with him to make sure he definitely wants children at some point. I don't think age has anything to do with it but he himself may feel that he wants to do other things before beginning a family, maybe proposing is on his mind and wanting to be married first or he wants to save up first if he worries about how much children cost or maybe he wants to travel first if yous haven't been away much? Men aren't really great at articulating their thoughts as much as women are. My dh and I were together from 20yrs old, he told me he wanted to have children after marriage. We got married at 23 and I wanted to try straight after the wedding but he panicked and wondered if he'd done everything he wanted to first so we waited another 2 years and took a few trips to Italy, Spain, Amsterdam etc we finally began ttc aged 25 and were lucky with conception, had our child at 26.

"Every time we have the talk he says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want it yet which is what I struggle to understand, if he had solid reasons we could talk about them but he just doesn’t"

He's only 21 and doesn't need to have solid reasons for not wanting to do something so massively life-changing just yet. Maybe he wants to spend a couple of years working out who he is. Maybe he has other things on his mind right now. Maybe he'd rather save up a bit more money. Maybe he just doesn't want to do it yet!

Don't put pressure on him and try to enjoy the time you have as a couple until he's ready. I was broody all my life before having ds, but my fiancé and I spent our dating years eating out lots and had a big holiday. Both of those things are much harder to organise / afford with a baby in tow so I'm so glad we had that time to enjoy ourselves first. All the best op

We go away in the country once a year for our anniversary, neither of us are keen on flying however we have been abroad together once - travelling isn’t a thing that bothers him (he’s a little house mouse) and we both aren’t bothered about marriage (I was 5 at my mum and dads wedding and I loved that I got to be there) I know he definitely wants it as when we first got together he’s the one who convinced me to have kids in the future, and now it’s all I think about!!! The one thing that rings bells is the money side of things, although he has assured me it’s not it could be.. we have a couple of grand in savings for rainy days and have assets that can be liquidated (his car is worth a bit of money) but he really doesn’t want me to work until the child is in school, but says if I have to then so be it. But like o said he has assured me that’s not the issue - he’s generally a very calm person

There's nothing that can be said or done. He's not ready, and who can blame him, it doesn't matter how many houses you own, you are both still incredibly young and the fact you can't see that demonstrates the immaturity. He doesn't want a baby yet, so you can't have a baby yet. Perhaps you could have a conversation where you gauge what timeline you are both working to, but don't be too hard on him if he doesn't want to be pinned down yet, as you may find he promises you a deadline to shut you up but isn't ready then either.

I suggest you look at other ways of fulfilling your life in the meantime, do you have career aspirations? Most people in their early 20s are setting up their careers, which at the end of the day is the most responsible thing you could be doing to prepare for parenthood, £1000 in savings is not going to cover drop in earnings not working.

Your 20 and 21 you have all the time in the world.

I don’t blame him for not being ready yet, at 21 I don’t think he has to have a solid reason. If time was pushing on and your were late 30’s maybe a solid reason would be needed but not in the case.

Nothing you can do just have to wait until BOTH parties are ready

I was just not ready at 21; and I was much like you. Had been full time employed and completely self reliant for years. I just didn't feel ready yet.

I'm 28 now; and I feel ready. It's been gradual, but it's exciting now that me and fiancé are both ready.

There's nothing you can do to speed this up; it's not a logical problem, it's an emotional state. He'll get there when he gets there. I'd have hated hearing it at the time, but 21 is so young! I'm very glad I didn't have kids then. I thought my life was ready and couldn't figure out why my brain wasn't, especially when 80% of my friends had children, but it's so different now.

@MissMH it sounds like you guys are in a stable life situation, which is great. It's a shame you don't see eye to eye about starting a family just now. But in relationships both partners get an equal say, you won't always agree with each other, and sometimes you have to compromise. You definitely have time on your side. I think you need to respect his wishes, hard as it might be to put yours aside for a while.

I'm also with the others posters on the age thing. I only seriously felt like starting a family once I was in my thirties. Everyone is different and many people want to wait until they are a bit older than 21.

Honestly having a baby is probably the most life changing thing you can do. It affects everything. Literally everything. Not only your every waking minute (cos you won't be sleeping for a long while!) of every day, but your mind, emotions, hormones, your relationship - nothing will be untouched. I think it's great you're both doing so well in life and have built up what you have together, I'm not trying to put you off having a baby. But the effects it will have on both your lives will be so great that I think, unless you are both on board 100 percent, there may end up being some resentment. Let him decide he's ready before trying, I very much doubt you'll regret it :)