I need hope

[RobertsMother]

Last July, my beloved newborn son died. It would be his first birthday tomorrow. I told myself at the time that I had to live in order to have his brothers and sisters. But 11 cycles in, I have nothing to show for it.

I am seeing a gynae specialist soon about extensive mid cycle spotting which, I suppose, might reveal the problem. To put my mind at ease, I had an internal scan and AMH with a private clinic, both of which were normal but the private doctor recommended IVF based on length of ttc and my age (32).

I am feeling extremely desperate today. I know some people can accept being childless and can find fulfilment in life anyway. For me, it isn't possible. I have to know I will have my family whether by pregnancy or adoption. But all I can think of is how unlikely it is for me to get pregnant if I haven't already (And I know ivf has low success rates) and how adoption waiting lists are long.

If I can't convince myself that I will have a family and have a reason to live, I don't know how to survive my son's birthday and the anniversary of his death. I need some hope to get me through. Can anyone think of anything positive I can use to convince myself i will have a family one day?

Your message is desperately sad, I can't imagine how hard this must have been, and how hard this anniversary will be for you. Grief can be so overwhelming. I'm concerned that you are feeling so low. Have you spoken to OH about how you feel? Or thought about seeing your GP for psychological support? I wonder if your mental health should be your priority right now?

As for TTC, I can understand why you are so desperate for this to happen. Your journey so far has been harder than most. At age 32 I think you still have lots of time on your side- both for natural conception and assisted options if you go on to need them. It's positive that investigations are on going. In the first instance I would focus on these. But please think about yourself too.

@RobertsMother I’m so so sorry about your baby boy.

Don’t give up, I too struggled a longtime to conceive almost 6 years after three losses initially that resulted in having twins by IVF with ICSI. The process of IVF is getting better every year and the odds are quite good so don’t be disheartened if that’s the road you go down. I got pregnant naturally just two months ago and it was an absolute miracle nearly six years after having my twins. Unfortunately it didn’t work out but I am beyond excited for what’s ahead even though I know it may take time. All I can say is that you will absolutely have your family, you’ve gotten pregnant before and that in itself is an amazing thing. Things take time especially when your in the process of grieving as that in itself can have a huge impact on our bodies. I know that feeling in a certain way although I’m sure nowhere near what yours is. Please don’t give up hope. Miracles happen and yours will come. Sending all my love x

Oh OP, that is a very sad post.
First of all sympathy for the loss of your little boy. I hope that you have received lots of mental health support with managing that loss.
Secondly you are worth living for, you yourself are enough. If you don't believe that I would seek counseling support.
Thirdly, trying for a year isn't that unusual without the burden of the emotional turmoil that you have been going through.
Finally 3 cycles of ivf, it is best to think of them as a cycle of 3 to begin with has a 75 % general success and that includes people unable to conceive without support.
My ivf doctors said that my age would only become an issue after 35 so you have plenty of time. But ivf is a bit of an emotional roller coaster so make sure you and your dh have plenty of emotional support in place before you start. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself.

@Skyla01- last time I spoke to my GP about how I was feeling, they suggested that I stop ttc until I felt better, which is not an option. I have been to a lot of counselling and it has got to the point where they can help no further as I just get irritated with them and they get frustrated with me. I even tried CBT but it felt fake to me.

@dreichuplands- if I couldn't have children and adoption was somehow not an option, there would be literally nothing else I want to do with my life. It would just be a very long life of waiting to be with my son again. The IVF would be hard but if I don't get pregnant soon, it's got to be worth a try whilst I still have the egg reserves to do it.

@Ginmonkey84- my worry is that I am feeling more and more stressed as I go along and my cycle is becoming more and more erratic. I fear that I am making myself less likely to conceive with all the stress. But, even if I stopped, I would simply be stressing out and waiting to try again. It's so hard to know how to reduce the stress and give my body a better chance.

Thanks to all for replying.

I will throw myself into work for now so I can earn enough to go private. I have had an extremely phased return and it has left us short financially. I think I need to go full time and earn some money to give us our best chance.