TTC but no longer broody

[Chailattes]

I am feeling so confused and conflicted, I wondered if anyone had been in the same situation?

I started TTC a year ago because I was extremely broody. For about 3 years having a baby was all I could think about. I wanted a baby so much I cried, I ached, it was all I could think of.

So far I've had months and months of BFNs and disappointments. I recently realised that at some point the broody feelings had vanished, but we are still TTC.

I'm so confused. After wanting this so much, there's just nothing there.

Hopeful bump - am I alone in this?

Could it be because you're feeling disheartened? Rather than just not wanting a baby anymore.

There's nothing wrong with changing your mind either though!

I'm trying to figure that out. I suppose because it was so hormonal and instinctive for me, I feel lost now that it isn't there.

We are still TTC and, apologies for the TMI, I got thinking after DTD as it now feels like we're going through the motions.

I don't know if this is just a blip and I'll be okay? What if I stop TTC and then regret it? What if I carry on and regret it?

You could always take a month off? If it's what you truly want I'm sure you'll feel impatient to get back to trying. If not then you have your answer.
Babies and children are hard work so best to go in feeling as sure as possible (if anyone ever can be)

I understand.

I have a 3.5 year old daughter. I had a mmc last year at 12 weeks and been ttc since January.

I have an ovarian cyst and going for a laparoscopy this weekend to help give us more chances.

But.....

In the past 2 weeks my daughter has been sleeping through the night in her own bed (yay) and is an actual dream child now (yay) that I think I must be crazy to do it all again. The baby stage was dreadful for us with silent reflux, lack of sleep etc

So I don't want to stop ttc as I think I owe my daughter a sibling but if it didn't happen I wouldn't be too upset anymore.

I'm 42 so I know I don't have many more chances

Maybe the ttc is taking over your life? Maybe you could take a step back and just concentrate on doing some different, new things with your partner, so your sex life isn't all about making a baby?

Yep, I know exactly how you feel!
We’ve also been trying for a year and the longer it goes on the less broody I am too.
Maybe because the novelty has worn off or it’s just that you have longer to think about all the logistics, sleepless nights and toddler tantrums to come.
And the mechanical sex around ovulation definitely sucks and takes its toll!

I’m sure once you see ‘those two lines’ the broodiness will kick back in again. At least that’s what I keep telling myself...

I understand this. We're reasonably early into TTC, on cycle 10 and I sometimes feel like this. I think it's my brain trying convince myself it's not what I want because I'm so disheartened and disappointed month after month seeing bfn.

Like PPs have said maybe it's worth taking some time off? I understand that that is hard to do too!

Totally agree with @RiverRiot as well in that it gives you longer to focus on the negatives!!

Yeah to be honest before the hormones kicked in I was adamant that I didn't want kids because of the logistics, the cost and the usual reasons. So I was surprised to get broody and not care/think of workarounds for these concerns in the first place, even more surprised to be swinging the other way again!

I think perhaps the pressure is getting to me somewhat. I just feel so flat and depressed and confused now.

I can relate to this. 12 cycle of trying and we have got nowhere. I’m now doubting if a baby is what l really want -the expense, the time, how much it ties you down etc. There are some interesting opportunities coming up in my line of work and lm considering exploring them, some involve further study and contract changes which aren’t baby compatible. Being realistic l am disheartened by our lack of success, depressed and have probably over thought the whole baby situation? I’m wondering if any of this is true for you?

EL8888

Yeah, I've stayed in a job I'm not keen on to ensure I get maternity pay. I feel like something is "wrong" with us, especially as others around me are falling pregnant at the blink of an eye. I think the worst was my friend who got very drunk, had a one night stand and fell pregnant with TWINS, then had an abortion. Of course it's her body etc etc but I was just like for god's sake, here I am without a single baby and she gets two without even trying?!

I'm resentful of eating well, cutting down on, and then cutting out, alcohol and caffeine, for nothing.

I bought a baby outfit last year when we started trying and a stupid part of me thinks I've jinxed it.

My sister gave me a baby bath months ago and I'm sure I've jinxed it too. AF arrived an hour ago too so feeling extra disheartened today. It's really hard, in the same boat as you I think

Yes, yes and yep!

I was broody long before my partner and so during that time a few of my friends have moved on to their second!

I, probably foolishly, had an idea of a baby growing up with my nieces and nephews and friends babies but the age gap just keeps widening and I find that really disappointing.

I’m also in a good place at work atm whereas if we’d started earlier it wouldn’t have bothered me so much to take a break from my career now it feels like I’ll be missing out on some interesting projects.

Plus all the pressure from family I just feel totally disenchanted with it all.

Oh gosh, I could not handle a friend having an abortion gracefully at all right now. There would have been so much weeping and gnashing of teeth at my house behind closed doors in your shoes.

It's really tough, all of this

A couple of thoughts, which may or may not help, please do take with a pinch of salt . . . .

1. Taking a short break from TTC might not be a bad thing. We reached a point maybe around the year mark when it was getting too depressing and pressurised, and ended up taking 4 months off. It was an amazing relief, and afterwards we were ready to start again. The first month trying again was psychologically a bit difficult, like getting back on the horse that threw you, but we at least knew we wanted to start trying again.

There have been a lot of emotions to process over time. I don't know if I'll ever feel that overwhelming broodiness ever again that I felt before TTC became so disappointing, but I will be sad if children aren't on the cards in some way, and I feel sure of this now.

1. I've been TTC for more than 3 years and I would have been so bitter if I felt I had to do it without any coffee, wine, or Dominos. I know everyone is different but if you can see a way to compromise a little so you feel like less of a martyr, life will be more bearable. The evidence base for a lot of this advice to cut everything out is pretty inconclusive, especially on caffeine and extremely "clean" eating. The NHS notes there is currently no evidence that caffeine affects the chances of conceiving. With alcohol, the advice is geared to make sure you're not consuming it if there is a chance you're pregnant. For people who have been counting the cycle days for months and months, we know exactly where we are in the cycle, whether it's the first 2 weeks or the TWW.

I remember trying to get a chemist to sell me an antifungal for athlete's foot or something at the same time as an OPK, and she refused because she said, how can you be sure you're not pregnant? Well, it's cycle day 4 and I haven't had sex yet this month, that's how. She was convinced!

showmethegin

Sorry to hear that

RiverRiot

Oh do not get me STARTED on family pressure! My mum nags and nags. I called to tell her we were buying a house and immediately she asks if it's because I'm pregnant! No mum, I just want to get on to the property ladder...

RyvitaBrevis

Thank you for your kind words, there was a lot of crying indeed.

Your post is helping me put things into perspective a bit more.

Maybe I do need a break, I don't know. I'm afraid to raise this with DP after being so adamant that I wanted a baby and harassing him to DTD and the endless OPKs...

On the caffeine front, I read that it can paralyse your fallopian tube and prevent an egg from being released, which spooked me into giving up caffeine.

@Chailattes yeah same for me. It’s a good maternity package where l work but my heart isn’t in the job really. I can also relate about people getting pregnant left, right and centre with no effort. Then moaning about it . I’m also with you about the eating more healthily, drinking less alcohol etc. I haven’t got anything out of it so why bother?!

Yesterday wasn’t pleasant either with it being Father’s Day and EVERYONE posting about their children, partners and fathers. I’m probably going to come off Facebook permanently at some point as l find it a bit much. Plus my Dad died a few years ago so l find Father’s Day hard anyway

@EL8888 Aw that sounds super tough! Hope you’re taking care of yourself.

@showmethegin Gah that must be so disheartening too!

@RyvitaBrevis Sorry you’re still on this crappy journey but thank you for your kind words!

@Chailattes If it makes you feel any better our family are trying to get us to move as well because even though we have a two bed we may “go on to have a second and will need more space”. Erm can we just get the first one out of the way first guys?!
Also thank you so much for starting this thread it’s good to know there are other women in the same boat out there and I’m not loosing the plot.
Treat yourself to a cheeky vino if you feel like one, it sounds like you’ve waited long enough!

RiverRiot

Gosh, how interfering!

I'm surprised to see so many others in the same boat, I was honestly braced for being told that I was not normal and should just not have a baby at all!

I might treat myself to a g&t - I have a cupboard full of gin to get through before we move house

Hi guys, sorry to hear you're all having a tough time.

I think it's quite normal to feel dispirited, because so much of this we don't talk about in RL so it always seems like everyone gets pregnant as soon as they want to. I'm currently ttc#2 and it's taking a little while, and was surprised when I realised many of my friends had assumed DD1 was an accident (not sure why we'd been married 5 years, both had jobs, owned our house.... .

Can you take the pressure off? The research on caffeine is that HIGH (and I mean HIGH) doses of caffeine cause temporary muscle paralysis in the smooth muscle lining of the fallopian tube. This means the egg travels more slowly and can mean if you have a short luteal phase (gap between ovulation and start of period, which should be at least 10 days, mostly it's 14), then the egg doesn't get to the uterus early enough for successful implantation. But that means you don't have to lay off all caffeine entirely, just keep it pretty low on between ovulation and when implantation would occur, so only for about 10 days per cycle. Alcohol in moderation is also completely fine until you AFTER implantation, as the foetus doesn't get anything from your bloodstream until the placenta is functioning.

Basically, unless you wish to reduce your weight slightly for your own health reasons, there's no requirement to martyr yourself. Enjoy all your usual pleasures during the first half of your cycle without any guilt! And between ovulation and implantation it is still fine providing you don't have excessive amounts.

Can I recommend if there are projects at work that you are interested in that you go for them? Pregnancy is a long time, so there's no reason not to go for something now. If it's a long term opportunity then you'll have plenty of time to find someone to take your place, and you won't have any difficulties doing so for an interesting project. I'm finding it depressingly hard to get involved with things now, I feel like everyone at work is waiting for me to announce a second pregnancy, so I get casually side-lined all the time. Make the most of the time you have now when you are not just identified as being a Mum.

No advice for parental pressure. Work on the death stare?

@Chailattes Oh a G&T sounds good, have at it!

Thanks @crazychemist I’ll start working on the death stare, good idea.

@Chailattes You are not alone! Hope we have helped

On the caffeine front, NICE last reviewed the evidence in 2015 and found it not conclusive, and I tend to go with NICE. This doesn't mean that there is no link with caffeine and fertility, but so far the evidence is of insufficient quality. The studies regarding the effect on the smooth muscle were in mice as far as I can tell, so possibly worth acting on, but still speculative.