Struggling to conceive leading to chronic indecision

[twinkle999]

My DH and I hoped to conceive this year but so far nothing is happening. We are in the middle of preliminary tests.

But this is leading to me being extremely up and down emotionally. We went away for the weekend and reconnected and I’ve been feeling so much better about things. Have taken the view that we will get the test results and then see and not TTC until we have more info.

However I had what can only be described as a meltdown last night about buying a new car. I can’t decide whether to buy something I will enjoy driving or a more practical family car and am so indecisive about the whole thing. Just really worried I buy something and then things change and I regret it, or I buy a practical car but then every time I drive it it is a reminder I can’t get pregnant. My DH was shocked at how upset I got myself and I am basically having a melt down about something about once a month at the moment. Just feel things aren’t panning out like I expected. I have a lovely lovely husband who doesn’t deserve this.

So looking for general advice on my emotional state and also what to do about that car 🙈

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this @twinkle999 It really is easy to put your life on hold while ttc. There's so many decisions I've put off pending achieving a pregnancy. My only advice is if you really want a family make decisions around that.

We got to 12 weeks and it was a missed miscarriage in February and I'd already started buying the odd thing. I bought a nursing chair for the room that'll be the nursery. What I will say is when I look in that room I see the chair and I feel hope it will happen again for us. I don't feel sad about it being there.

Try not to let the frustration get the better of you. Buy the sensible car and imagine your baby in the back whenever you drive it. With time that baby will be there! Believe in it and it will happen! Good luck! Xx

Thanks @catconfusion - you sound a lot more of an optimist than me 🙈

Oh believe me @twinkle999 I've just had the worst six months of my life and grappled with a lot of pessimism. We've had two miscarriages during this time and some days I can't even imagine a happy ending. I've had the blackest moods due to the grief and hormones. Personally I've found it helpful to make decisions as if I will have children in the next year or two. We're all different though and it's just a case of finding what works for you to get you through bad days. Xx

I bought a Mini Cooper convertible 2 months before my ivf cycle because I “knew” it wouldn’t work. It worked.
Just wanted to say this is totally understandable and common. I found planning holidays difficult too and I live for holidays!
Hope you get your bfp soon

Hi @valleyofthehorses - so did you have to sell the car?

I am actually not thinking of a convertible or sports car or anything - just something small that might not be all that practical.

Well I drove it for a while and then DH drove it and I drove his. We sold it when DS was about 1.

This is the thing - the worst that happens is that I have a car that is slightly too small for a bit. It wouldn’t be impossible with a baby it would just be tight. It’s not really the end of the world.

But I’ve got myself in a real tizz about it.

My husband is just like what the hell as I’m so stressed about it

You could be like my colleague who bought a mini while TTC. Got pregnant, sold the mini at 3 months pregnant as the pram wouldn’t fit in the boot. Bought a Ford Focus. At 9 months pregnant, decided the boot was still too small & now has a Quashqai..

Now, I personally think that’s a huge waste of money buttt worth remembering cars aren’t permanent. You can sell them anytime & get a new one!

I drive a Fiesta. The boot is small, I had to take the pram apart a bit to fit it in & lose the parcel shelf! But wasn’t a big deal. We only used our big pram for 11 months & then switched to a much smaller stroller which fits happily!

I fully get where all the anxiety is coming from but try not to overthink too much. Keep talking to your husband, he’ll be your biggest supporter!

Buy the fun car.

If you get pregnant you have a good reason to switch and won’t mind the expense/hassle so much.

If you don’t get pregnant you aren’t missing out on having the fun car/being reminded all the time you’re driving the car you planned to put kids in.

It took us years of infertility treatment to have our baby. In that time I travelled. I drove a daft sports car. I participated in not pregnancy safe sports. Basically I lived without assuming I’d ever have a child. The only concessions I really made were avoiding zika areas, limiting booze (particularly around treatment times) and taking time to rest and recuperate before/during/after the ivf cycles.

@twinkle999 the biggest life lesson I learned ttcing is not to put life on hold.
I think of all the years I wasted, the houses I didn't buy because I was waiting for kids to come along, the convertible I didn't buy, the big suv I wanted, the holidays I didn't take.

I should have done it all. The one thing you can't control is fertility sadly. Live life while you can - don't wait

Another vote here for buying the smaller car. Took us 2.5yrs to conceive and we put so much on hold in the first year or so, including getting married. Then we thought fuck it, it’s not happening - it was so sad but we had things to look forward to which took the edge off the disappointment of ttc and fertility treatment/tests. Totally agree that getting pregnant will be a lovely reason to sell the car and you won’t care. Also my DD is 16m and we have a little Skoda Fabia 😳

Thank you everyone, this has made me feel a lot better and provided some clarity.