I was sitting on my sofa this morning thinking about what things might be like if we are blessed enough to conceive. I had this ache to have a baby in my arms which I've had many times before, yet now that we are actively trying I am equal parts longing and terrified.
No one truly has any idea how much a child will change their lives and I haven't met anyone that says the hard parts aren't worth it but I just cannot even fathom what may come. I've read and researched mummy boards, articles, books on pregnancy and parenting in preparation but still it evokes both excitement and fear.
Mostly I worry about finances, my marriage (which is really good and I hope we can maintain that if children come along), if I'll be a good mother, if I'll be able to provide enough for them when the inevitable of part time hours becomes my reality in order to look after said child (my husband earns more than I do and we don't have family that would be able to help regularly), my body...this reeeeeally scares me and strangely enough the sleepless nights. I've had anxiety my whole life and I can guarantee that is part of my fear but I think the rest is pretty normal. I guess just hearing from other who felt this way when ttc would be nice, for some reassurance that I'm not alone.
Sometimes I worry that my nerves are a sign we shouldn't be trying at all...yet I don't feel scared or nervous while DTD which is the part that could actively create the child 
so surely if I wasn't truly ready deep down I just wouldn't be trying right?