Looking for some suggestions...

[Katty0009]

I really need to get something off my chest and I'm sorry to have to do it here. My DH and I started ttc back in 2016. Unfortunately nothing worked for us. We’re still ttcing, but any results so far.

The issue I'm having is this. I have a dear friend who I've known for about 5 years. My friend has been ttc #2 for about 6 months now. She has a little girl from a previous marriage. All of a sudden she's decided to turn our friendship into a "who can get pregnant faster" competition. I recently made the mistake of telling her all I've been through. Recently I called my dr to see what else we can do to GP. He prescribed some medications and gave us some directions. We’ll have our first IVF very soon. She was VERY RUDE in that she said "Oh, well I guess now we know who's going to get pregnant first" and "you're younger (she's 2 yrs older)".... And also she said “Well at least I’m not trying to trick nature”. What the heck is that supposed to mean??? She always has some snide remark to make about me being on medication now. Anyway... my only response was "since when did this turn in to a competition"... "I'm not competing with you or anyone else". She does not want to understand, that I’m doing it for me and my dh. I want to have a baby, but not to compete with someone. It seems to me she wants to prove she’s better than me, bc she wants to gp “naturally”. Honestly I’m tired. I thought we should be on one side as both of us have the same goal. Well, I think I was wrong…

I just don't know how to let go of all the drama. It's stressing me out and that's the last thing I need especially while ttc. Does anyone have any reasonable advice on how to try and distance myself from this without cutting her off? I'm just looking for some suggestions... I don't even know why it had to be taken this far. Sorry if it seems trivial, but talking about it is the only way I can let it go.

She doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. I would tell her that this is a stressful time for you and dh, with all you are going through and that you are really sorry if she got the impression that you wanted this to be a race. Everyone has their own path to follow to parenthood. And yours is more difficult than others in the first place, without turning it into a competition. Explain to her, if she’s really your friend, please be supportive, and not competitive. If she doesn't get it, just tell her you're really busy, and just let your friendship take a back burner. Good luck.

I have to agree, she doesn't sound like much of a friend at all. Maybe you should avoid her until you are in a better place? Things must be really tough for you, and it is so unhelpful for your supposed friend to make hurtful remarks. I would put your energy in to more understanding friends and family. You don't need this added stress. Good luck on your journey.

I so understand what you are going through. My sister in law got pregnant the same time as I did my last pregnancy. And although I thought it was so cute to be having our babies around the same time, that they could grow up together and be playmates, she ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT STAND IT. Of course it didn't matter that I was due right before her. She wanted to have a baby first. She wanted to give my in laws their first grandchild, “it wasn't fair because my DH and I got married after her and her husband”, etc. Then we lost our baby, she called and the only thing she said was "I hope that doesn’t happen with me", "Did it hurt"? There was no “I'm sorry, is there anything I can do? I am here if you need to talk”... I was so hurt! Later at a family reunion she was standing by my father in law and said "I bet you can't wait to hold your first grandchild". Then she comes up to me and says "My mom is going to buy some baby staff for my upcoming baby shower if you want to go with her and get my gift.” I said relatively nice "I'm sorry I won't be coming to your baby shower. It is just too hard for me right now". She said "Well then you can always get a gift later.” Ummm really? You’re telling me to buy you a gift? After I had a miscarriage? After I told you how hard it is for me now to come to your baby shower? What a b*itch!

So trust me I know what you are going through. Your friend seems a little selfish! It doesn't sound to me like you even want the drama. However she is the one who won't let things settle. Just be short with her. Give her a reply in a matter of fact tone and hopefully she will get the hint. If not then maybe you could not meet/call her so often. And you can tell her that you can't take all the competitiveness in her right now. And remain short until she can see how much her behavior has hurt you. Good luck to you!

I'm sorry about your friend. Unless you go through this, many people have NO idea how hard it can be. I'm also sorry your ttc gave no results. But I wish you all the best with your IVF! I had a friend who knew all the horrific details about my ttc. She got pregnant last year. She told me about her pregnancy by TEXT message. How rude can that be? I put my pain aside after crying for the night, congratulated her and bought her a small gift. Suddenly she told me that she had a miscarriage. I was truly sorry for her until 3 people, unrelated, told me "Do you think she was really pregnant in the first place? She was just trying to hurt you." She told me the truth in January this year. She was not pregnant.

We are not friends anymore. I still have no idea what was on her mind when she decided to lie about her pregnancy. She knew I just went through a failed ivf cycle… We've had different life circumstances and I think she just wanted to hurt me.

I know this is drama for you too. It's hard to have a friend who is not truly there for you. I hope your friend will understand your feelings. Hang in there!

I know each and every one of you is right... For some strange reason I am the one who starts feeling guilty when she gets mad at me. WHY?!!? I've done NOTHING wrong. I've helped her in her ttc process as much as I could... I was supporting her 24/7, listening her tell me over and over again that she's just going to give up and reassuring her that it just takes time, etc. It makes me feel like I'm back in high school again! I decided that this time I'm going to stand up for myself and not let her be mean to me. I just don't know what I'm going to do or say if she tries to contact me to smooth things over. Although I am 99% sure that she won't contact me as she has never been the one to say "I'm sorry". I'm one of those people who think of what they should say very carefully. I might have to pull this thread up when she will talk about ttc and who will get pg first and just read the advice that you ladies offered. Thanks for your advice. I know that she's not being a real friend by doing this, but my biggest thing that I need is to be prepared to tell her how it is and make her realize how selfish she's being. For heaven’s sake, she already has a DD and it came so easy for her. Just because it's not going her way this time it's the end of the world. She works that way with every other aspect in her life… So I guess this shouldn't be any different.

Unfortunately with friends like that you don't need enemies! Just tell her how she's making you feel. If she's a true friend she will understand and comply to your request. If she seems to not care then I would say you should cut yourself off from her anyways. She's causing you stress you don't need at all. Don’t be afraid to lose such “friends”. Good luck and if you need to talk just holler.