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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

ttcing among pregnant who haven’t even tried is hard

22 replies

jjjen · 12/04/2019 16:35

Last year 7 of my friends announced their pregnancies. Obviously almost all of them have had their babies by now. I wanted to join them so badly but it didn’t happen. A couple of days ago I went out with my bf who is 5 mnths pregnant. We had a very nice evening and it was great seeing her. But the whole time I was thinking how I want to be in her shoes! She’s got pregnant from the first try. And here I am who’s trying the whole freaking eternity! She wasn’t talking that much about her pregnancy, because she knows about my problems with ttc. But still she was bringing some pregnancy issues up. I understand why, now her baby is the most important thing in her life. It was hard not to cry, though I’m so happy for her. I imagine myself being pregnant, having all those pregnancy symptoms, talking to my belly and doing many many more things which future moms do… But all of a sudden one thought makes me scared and sick – I might never become a mom. I will never have a child. I can’t tell in words how horrified I am after such thoughts!!! Of course I’m trying my best to be positive. Positive thinking and hope are everything I have now after my last ivf failed. Being not pregnant and ttcing among pregnant who haven’t even tried is so hard…

Yesterday I’ve got a text message from my ex roommate(she doesn’t know about my ttc problems) telling me that she is 14 weeks pg. After I sent her my congrats she texted me back to ask what are we waiting for and why we haven’t thought about starting a family!!!!! I swear I could scream! I am NEVER EVER going to ask women that question ever. I feel so down… Don’t know what else to say… Anyone can relate?

OP posts:

smarty14 · 12/04/2019 18:19

Really didn't want to read and run!
So sorry for the crappy time you are having! Its really horrible some people can be insensitive without realising but woman should really know to engage brain before speaking!

I dread someone asking me that question as i really am not sure how i will respond!

sending you hugs! Xx

Dramaqueen14 · 13/04/2019 09:32

I’m feeling a similar way op. Had a miscarriage in sept and still trying with no success yet. I also work with 2 pregnant women I have to see every day. It’s so hard when they talk baby stuff. I have to try and block it out. I can’t wait for them to go off on mat leave so it’s not constantly in my face. I know that sounds horrible but I also know feelings like that are common.

I also hate being asked why no baby, 3 tears after our wedding? So frustrating xx

EvenLess · 13/04/2019 11:02

I feel exactly the same OP. It can be so disheartening and lonely

twinkle999 · 13/04/2019 12:46

Yes is really isolating.

I might be quite blunt with your friend. Just say you are trying, and maybe that comments like hers don’t help. Hope she feels bloody bad for being so insensitive.

Yeah I honestly feel when I got to social stuff at the moment where everyone has children or is pregnant like I am just sitting there on the outskirts of the conversation.

I’m pleased for them but feel increasingly like the outsider.
Sorry know this doesn’t help particularly.

Just wanted to say you are not alone.

Bumbers · 13/04/2019 12:55

I feel exactly the same. I am so happy for them, but each new announcement hurts and reminds me again of what I dont have and may never have.

Thequaffle · 13/04/2019 12:59

people need to stop bloody asking that question!!!

Xyzzzzz · 13/04/2019 13:03

I’m sorry . I remember feeling like that. I also hated being asked and I never ask people for that reason. You don’t know what people are going through.

I’d have responded with I have issues thanks and Your comments and questions do more harm than good. But I’m quite blunt like that not everyone is. I wish as a society we would get out of the habit of asking women when will they have children.

Poppins2016 · 13/04/2019 13:11

I'd be inclined to text your ex roommate back with something along the lines of "actually, we'd love to have a child, however we're having to come to terms with the fact that our last attempt at IVF has failed". This is one of those situations where a little squirming might not be a bad thing...

I'm sorry you've been on the receiving end of such insensitivity.

twinkle999 · 13/04/2019 13:47

I agree with Poppins. A little squirming is what is required.

MissSmith80 · 13/04/2019 15:29

I know exactly where you are coming from. I'm 38 and have had such difficulty conceiving, I didn't want to share my problems with everyone so only my very nearest and dearest knew that we were trying. I was amazed at the comments people made - 'of course you are not interested in a family, you're a career woman', ' who is going to look after when you get old' etc. After gynae surgery, I am now pregnant but I can't tell you the number of people who asked me if it was wanted because they'd assumed that if I had wanted to be pregnant it would have happened before now.
I wish that I had been more open with people and told them that we were TTC - i think I might have saved myself a lot of heartache. Good luck xxx

twinkle999 · 13/04/2019 15:31

Yeah I’m 40 and everyone now assumes we are not interested in children.

lorraddu · 14/04/2019 16:04

Oh hun I do know how it feels when everyone around you seems to be PG or having babies. I know after my MC my neighbor had a baby & I actually wanted to scream "you’ve stolen my dream"!!! It’s natural to feel life is unfair. Especially for us who are trying so hard but… I sadly struggle with infertility myself. So I’m feeling this way a lot. My sister told me last week she was pg. She's just stopped the pill and hadn't even had a period. I am absolutely gutted. I know it's not her fault but I wasn't even able to congratulate her. Just another daily reminder of the losses and troubles. However as hard as it gets or how long it takes we can’t ever give up on our dreams. We will get there in the end & we are all here for you.

Shrewbie · 14/04/2019 16:18

Firstly wow you've got 7 friends, bonus!!! Secondly if it helps I always regret asking a new friend about babies, I was niaive and now I understand. I regret it very day we meet/talk. That text was NASTY. I'm sorry you ended up with that. It's different asking the question face to face, still silly but that way as a text is just plain mean and nasty. Some people really are stupid and rude. Hopefully you'll be enjoying the cute baby phase whilst their all pulling their hair out with terrible toddlers you can then wipe that in their faces. Equally if things aren't meant to be you can wipe all your luxury hols/ adult time to self activities in their faces when they moan Xxx

Mamabear12 · 14/04/2019 16:19

I would just be open about it if someone made a comment like that. Even though it happened fast the first two times, the third time for us took longer. I was open about it with my friends and said we are trying but it’s not happening. And that I hope it happens. They are always understanding and supportive.

FoggyDay58 · 14/04/2019 17:07

More understanding coming from over here! I also had a not-very-close friend ask me whether we were planning to "jump on the baby train" ( not envy), and when I said we were trying and failing, she bombarded me with loads of helpful but completely unsolicited advice, and ended in telling me we should have sex more. I didn't reply to that, and we haven't spoken since. It was a year ago. Some people just have no idea, and even telling them the truth, or how it makes you feel to be asked, won't help.

twinkle999 · 14/04/2019 18:20

So one of my oldest friends was just round and asked about babies and I was just honest and said nothing much was happening. She was really understanding. So maybe sometimes it is best being honest.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 14/04/2019 18:24

I took up running a few years ago. Have run a half, would love to run a full marathon but I am SLOW! I'm asthmatic, and despite inhalers can't control my breathing at all if I get up any speed.

Was talking to a friend about running and she couldn't believe how slow I was, and that I was slower then her. Apparently I have no excuse since I don't have three four children like her! All I could think was that I'd happily not be able to run at all and have just one child. As it was I pointed out I prefer not dying mid-run!

Maybe is is highly irrelevant to the OP, but it struck me that I would never say something similar to a childless woman of my age because you never know what their story is.

twinkle999 · 14/04/2019 18:35

OMG that’s terrible 🙈
Are you still friends?!

dinaff · 14/04/2019 20:44

I feel for you I really do. I believe it will happen for us someday very soon. I’m the same. I’ve been ttcing for 5 years. Women at work keep falling pregnant. Everyone keep saying to me 'you will be next'. I know they’re only trying to make me feel better… But it just makes me feel so much worse when someone else announce their pregnancy. I dream to finally become the next one, but... I’m still not where I want to be. Sometimes it feels as though the light has gone out at the end of the tunnel and it feels like I’m getting nowhere... Still I believe it will happen for us. Sending you lots of hugs and baby dust xx

cakesandphotos · 14/04/2019 20:49

Oh OP I'm sorry. I've been there and it's brutal. When my best friend announced her pregnancy I cried for 3 days. I was so so happy for her but I was unspeakably sad for me. Every pregnancy announcement on Facebook felt like a punch in the stomach. I honestly don't have any advice, but you aren't alone and feeling like this is totally normal

janettes7 · 14/04/2019 20:50

Honey, I think most of us on here can probably relate to how you're feeling... It is completely natural to feel the way you do. It’s totally possible to hold 2 emotions at once, happiness for the one announcing the pg and sadness for ourselves that we are not announcing our own pg as well. I too find myself avoiding pg people and anyone who I believe might announce a pg. I just don't feel I can cope with the emotions it brings up for me. Although not a long term solution I do think we have to know our own limits and look after ourselves. My hubby wants to meet with a friend of ours who is 7 months pg and I just said no. I feel terrible but I just can't do it. Whenever we're around pg people or babies, the conversation inevitably turns to pg and babies and 'when will you be next'.... it sucks! I agree, I will NEVER ask people personal questions about babies, children or ttc ever again (although have to admit I did before we started TTC). Although I know people just care and are curious, it really drives me MAD! It WILL be us one day announcing our pg's, and when we do we will be so very very grateful xxx

charliettc · 14/04/2019 22:48

I know just how you feel - such a relief to know I'm not the only one! It feels like everywhere I look people are effortlessly falling pregnant while I am struggling and it feels so unfair. I want to be happy for them and I do try, but I feel so envious because it seems so easy and natural for all these other people.

I wish I'd never told anyone I'd come off the pill to ttc - as soon as I did 2 of my friends decided they wanted to try for a baby too and 1 fell pregnant her first month of trying. She already has 2 kids and had been on the depo for 3 years and yet she fell pg straight away! Now she keeps on asking me what's happening and why I'm not pg yet. It's driven me so crazy I'm avoiding seeing her and am now telling people that we've put baby plans on hold until we've moved & settled into our new house… Just to buy me a few months break from people asking me what's happening every time I see them. The other friend fell pg after 3 months trying, and another one started ttc a few months ago after I told her we were trying. Although she's not pg yet i am just waiting on tenterhooks now for her to break the news she's pg too. I'm avoiding her as well at the moment as she also keeps asking me questions about what's happening. She also said I must be feeling depressed about my other friends being pg. So I went away feeling like I'd been labelled this depressed loser! I wish I'd never opened my big mouth about ttc but at the time I was full of hope and didn't know it wouldn't be straightforward for me...

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