This is more common than you would think, so don’t feel alone. Here is a story to give you some hope: I have a friend who could not have PIV sex for many years, her body just would not let her. Like you, she was in a happy relationship with a lovely man and they wanted children. She sought specialist medical advice, and after I believe quite a lot of struggle to find a doctor who would take her seriously, she found a supportive GP and with medical assistance has now conceived and given birth to 2 children.
I’m not a doctor, but I think from what you say it’s possible you have the same condition she had, vaginismus.
Basically it means your vaginal muscles go into spasm, ‘closing’ the vagina and making penetration very painful or impossible. There’s a physical/psychological feedback loop, so one episode of painful penetration makes you tense up and spasm more next time, and so on. It isn’t necessarily caused by past trauma or abuse. It can be, but it can also be just something that your body does for no known reason. I wouldn’t read too much into finding the cervical smear painful, as they are (in my experience) damn painful anyway, but it’s possible that having that painful experience has started something of a vicious cycle and made it harder next time.
Here is a good book that explains vaginismus: www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Painful-Sex-Step-Step/dp/1505255155?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
Some people with vaginismus desire PIV sex, but find their body won’t co-operate. In your case you nor your partner actually want to have PIV sex, so that will be another factor making conception difficult. But you don’t necessarily have to have sex multiple times per month to conceive. If you track ovulation, then one correctly timed act can do the trick.
I’m not sure of the exact details of my friend’s treatment, but it was a combination of exercises to relax the vagina enough to make penetration possible, combined with very precise charting of ovulation so she only had to do it once per month.
You are right that the normal medical procedures during pregnancy can be difficult; but I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that you need surrogacy quite yet.
Do seek medical help, and do keep asking if you find the first response is not satisfactory. Not all GPs are well informed about female vaginal pain, but it is something that doctors CAN help with and you deserve help and support.
Don’t let anyone put you down, or make you feel abnormal, on account of this. As I say, I’ve witnessed someone who thought she could never have PIV sex, have 2 healthy children. Good luck. I will be rooting for you!