Advice needed - infrequent sex

[Headswim]

I wondered if anyone could offer some guidance and reassurance to me.

*I am in mid 30s - as is my partner - and have been TTC for a few months. We both work hard, but especially my partner who is a business owner. He is also high functioning autistic.

We have a very good, supportive relationship, rarely argue, and both very much want to have a child. We both work out and eat healthily (mostly veggie), drink once or twice a week, neither smoke or take prescription or recreational drugs. In particular, I have been small changes to lifestyle in last couple of months including reducing working hours, in a bid to be more fertile like losing weight, taking extra supplements, de-stressing, exercising, acupuncture and reducing caffeine.

The challenge is the regularity we have sex. Because of his personality (high functional autistic - which means he really has to be in the mood to want sex) and his busy, stressful work schedule, life seems to get in the way a lot. I have a very regular cycle (29 days with ovulation occurring day 17) I have been tracking ovulation by regular LH tests during ovulation window, observing cervical mucus and recording temperature daily on Natural Cycles, so I feel like I have a good idea now when the best time to get pregnant will be. We have tried 3 times now during this window but have not been successful.

I know my partner and I don’t think forcing him to have more sex is the way to go. I want to keep it sexy and natural, so instead my strategy is to figure out when the times are and set aside some time in advance where we can relax and have sex. But we’re talking once in the window and then rarely across the month, maybe 1-2 other times.

Is there anything you can suggest other than obvious of having sex a lot more?

I read somewhere that unless a man ejaculates regularly then the quality of sperm will be low, so I am I wasting my time? Has anyone got any experience of becoming pregnant in a relationship where sex was a few times a month?

For full clarity, I have been pregnant before (medical abortion a few years ago) and he has made someone pregnant in the past too. *

If you time it right you only need to DTD once! You don't need to do it regularly.

Get an ovulation chart and thermometer and monitor your cycle.

If after s few months of trying to target the right date it hasn't worked do speak to your gp, but even those have a lot of "activity" around conception can take 6-12 months

DH and I weren't having much sex around the time we'd vaguely talked about TTC for the second time. In fact he commented on how infrequently we'd done it the very morning I did a positive test. Good luck!

Hi OP. I have this problem but for a different reason. It doesn't mean you wont get pregnant but it may take you longer. As PP said use ovulation tests as they will tell you the day before you are likely to ovulate and that's when it really counts and the few before that.

Re sperm quality i don't think it matters. Once you've been trying a while your DP can have a sperm analysis. My DPs came back fine. If he can masturbated you could also try home insemination on your fertile days. There may also be some help your DP can get re sex drive if that's something he would consider.

And if it comes to it you are also still eligible for fertility treatment. Research IUI as that's what I've been referred for although we are carrying on trying for a while longer. And be kind to yourself. Its frustrating but as pp said you only need to do it once and perfectly plausible you can get pregnant.

P.S it sounds like you're doing really well and all you can. 3 months isn't long at all. Apparently you have a 1 in 4 or 5 chance every month if timing is perfect. Keep going x

Thank you all so much - that's made me feel so much better.

As you say, just got to keep trying... definitely think we'll both get our fertility checked out, its just quite expensive to do, but maybe the NHS can help?

I am kind of happy with house much sex we have and came on here not to be judged (my friends aren't so supportive - their advice is 'just have loads of sex') so it's nice to get proper practical advice xx

@Headswim the NHS will usually test after a year although they started ours after 9 months as I had irregular cycles. It's always worth a chat with your gp anyway. I know how you feel, I have really struggled to find anyone in a similar position or who really understands! It would be great to stay in touch if you ever want to dm me.

Definitely that would be lovely. :) it's a tricky situation and hard to balance preserving the existing relationship with a desire for a child. Will this be your first one?

I feel like I got the timing just right this month - had increasing cervical mucus for a couple of days then got a positive result for LH in the morning, DTD in the afternoon of same day and forecasted to ovulate the next day.. I have previously been leaving it later (as I said - it’s usually only once we both feel like doing it during the ovulation window) so hopefully a bit earlier will do the trick. I laid down for an hour and avoided baths for a day too. I know that sounds silly but I read some places that it helped :)

Yes it would be our first baby. We've been trying for a year now but only really got my head around timing since July and some months we have missed the right days entirely. It's also a good sign that you have regular periods so sounds like it will happen if you persevere!

They were quite irregular but I have started taking Agnus Cactus and seems to have helped, not sure if you've looked at that? Xx

No but have heard of it...where do you get it from?

I just get from Amazon

Natures Aid PremEeze Agnus Castus, Vegan Society Approved, 400 mg, 60 Capsules https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00STMP68M/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_Ee5PCbW59K2G0

Worth a shot I reckon :)

Hey! Tbh we are not sex maniac either - no reason apart for not being sex maniac - and we fell pregnant in month where we had sex only twice within my fertile period, I think once a day before ovulation and once the day after ovulation. Because sperm can live for 5 days I think it probably is better 'to do it more', but just wanted to share my story that less also works 😉 Good luck! X

Don't worry, it can happen. My DH has a low libido. We got pregnant first cycle with only one try and same with the second time! We put off trying for a third for years, as we thought if we started trying it would be the same....now 6 cycles later we are still trying.....only once a month still as DH has a low libido. If it does not work this month, I will try to get him to dtd twice during the fertile period. There is hope though, so do not worry. I think its more likely to happen when you are not thinking of it. The first time we were wondering what would happened if we dtd during my fertile time....but did not actually think it would end in a pregnancy! Of course we were super happy it did. But because I heard how difficult it was to get pregnant I was not expecting it to happen. The second time again, we decided to try and see what happens. This time around I was thinking it would happen again, but my DH did not believe the test when it was a positive. Now third time, its been several cycles, but also I have been more stressed about it.

All very encouraging!

Fingers crossed for everyone. 😘