Termination Regrets and wanting to start again

[mads20]

Hi all, some of you may have seen my original post 10 months ago - I was trying to decide whether or not to go through with an unplanned pregnancy or not, I had debts and still lived at home etc, my family were supportive but all agreed termination was the best choice - my last update was that I was keeping but in the end I found some "strength" to go through with the termination... I don't know how/why, I even went by myself when my partner was away and didn't tell him till it was happening. I had never wanted that option but something inside of me made me do it... and I have regretted it every day since! The last year of my life was awful, I suffered with depression and nearly lost my partner but we managed through and are happy together and I no longer have the debts (only about 2k left). However, we still aren't living together and not yet saved enough for a house but my need for a baby is taking over my life!! I have considered coming off my pill in secret but I know this isn't right.... I know if I was to get pregnant now things would be ok and we would sort it out but realistically it isn't the right time. Could I really live with with myself if I had to lie to people and say a pregnancy was an accident when I know deep down I allowed it to happen?! Has anyone felt like this themselves? I feel awful even having the thought but I cant control it and I worry if I don't replace what I lost sooner than later I'll go back to a really dark place:( I know if I did get pregnant boyfriend would be okay and we would make it work.... sorry to ramble but I have to come clean to at least someone about these thoughts!!! Does anyone have their own experiences / advice they can share? Xxx

Hey. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
As you say you can not plan a baby without your partner and especially in your circumstances. It sounds like you could really benefit from some support or counselling. Could you vibist your GP and explain what happened and ask that they refer you?

I agree with pp. Now is not the time to bring a baby into this world. It sounds like mentally you are still getting over the termination and having a baby is not the answer to fix it. You need to first speak to your GP and/or counsellor to help sort out your feelings.

Hi OP

I too went through the same as you with a termination and I won't lie to you the guilt never goes you just learn to accept it little by little because at the time it was the right thing to do :/ I had mine in April 2015, nearly 4 years ago to the day..

I write this because I've seen you've put your need for a baby. I got pregnant at the end of 2017 and had my DD in July last year, because of what I'd been through with my termination and not allowing myself to heal properly from it I didn't give my precious baby recognition whilst I was carrying her and because of that I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy and I'd always tricked myself into thinking karma was coming to get me and something would go wrong..I wouldn't wish that upon anybody. Please seek advise from a counsellor with regards to termination as you'll struggle to move on and I know I'm not the only female who's suffered with this problem after a termination. When you do come to terms with what you've been through the pregnancy process will be easier :) I didn't feel no comfort until I'd held my baby for the first time. Most rewarding thing, I just wish I didn't make myself suffer and ignore her during pregnancy.

I hope this helps even just a little bit :)

Hi, wonderfulbee your message has made me smile to hear such a happy ending. I’m glad I’m not alone, have booked a doctors appointment for referral as it is coming up to a year now and I can’t go on ignoring how I feel... thank you all for your help xxx

@mads20 well done for taking that step :) a little go help for what you went through will make such a difference :) glad I could help!

Really do hope you get what you want out of life and always remain positive xxx

I agree with @wonderfulbee I had one many many many years ago and I never got over it, I'm still not to be honest, and I felt many of the same feelings when I had my children, but it gets easier to deal with over time.

I also understand the desire to want one, I was transfixed by this in the year or so following mine but it got easier.