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Conception

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TTC after an abortion and struggling with guilt

12 replies

LBARTON · 13/02/2019 11:15

About 20 months ago, my partner of a year and I discovered we were pregnant after a split condom and an ineffective morning after pill. After a lot of soul searching and sadness, we decided not to keep it. This was mainly because we were relocating to the other side of the world 6 weeks after we found out. I think that I probably wanted it more than he did but I wanted to prioritise our relationship and the plans we'd made. It wasn't an option, at that point, to have the baby in the new location so we had a medical termination at 5 weeks.

20 months later and we're married and have been actively trying to conceive for 2 months but with no luck. Suddenly the grief and guilt of our decision has hit me and I can think of nothing else. I can't believe we were lucky enough to fall pregnant and did not keep it. I can't get my head around what made us decide not to have it. I am so frightened that we won't be able to have another and that We have ruined our lives and will spend the rest of our lives regretting this.

I know that two months is technically not a long time to be trying but I suppose I'd convinced myself that it would happen again immediately and now it hasn't, I am terrified that this is it.

I am now 34 and was 32 at the time and again feel like I am the only woman stupid enough to do this at my age.

I don't know what the question I'm asking is. I suppose I just wondered if anyone could relate or help. I feel very alone with everything. I don't think I've expressed myself very well either.

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 13/02/2019 11:21

I'm sorry you're struggling with guilt.

At the time you weren't ready and that's ok. This is your time now so be gentle with yourself and take it easy. It will happen again when it's supposed to.
Have you considered counselling to help come to terms with the termination?

Lolipoplady · 13/02/2019 13:08

Hi OP, I am in a very similar position to you. I'm 34 and have just finished second cycle of actively trying to conceive (with no luck), and I had an abortion at the age of 30. I am with the same person now as I was then, too.

I think that because it happened with such ease the first time I imagined it would be exactly the same again. It didn't help that on the first cycle my period was 5 days late which it never has been before in my whole life, so I was convinced I was pregnant - maybe it was a chemical pregnancy, I'm not sure as I didn't test.

Anyway I just wanted to say that I know how you feel! I am terrified that I won't be able to conceive again, that I'm too old now and this is it. Logically I know that's not likely, but I'm finding it really hard to deal with my feelings of panic at the moment.

LBARTON · 13/02/2019 13:39

Hi Mrsmummy90, thank you for your kind message. I have had therapy but not for this specifically but it something I would consider.

OP posts:
LBARTON · 13/02/2019 13:41

Lolipoplady, thank you for sharing this. I am really sorry that you are having this experience but I also find it strangely reassuring because I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about. I also have the most regular 28 day period but since we've started trying I've been 4 days late and 3 days early, which hasn't helped either!!!

OP posts:
explodingkitten · 13/02/2019 13:49

It's absolutely normal to take up to a year to get pregnant. Most people I know didn't get pregnant in the first few months. Even for women who have fertility issues most of them go on to have a baby.

You made decision with all the information you had at the time. It was therefore the right decision at the time. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Good luck with TTC.

HouseOfToys · 13/02/2019 13:51

I had a termination at 29 and actively tried at 31.

We weren't ready. But yes I felt very frustrated and guilty when trying to get pregnant.

Be kind to yourself. It will happen. Xx

explodingkitten · 13/02/2019 13:52

I also have the most regular 28 day period but since we've started trying I've been 4 days late and 3 days early, which hasn't helped either!!!

Actually it does, now you know you need to extend the time in your cycle that you have sex. My fertility specialist recommended every other day. Even in a 28 day cycle your ovulation could still be a couple of days earlier or later. The length of the luteal phase (from ovulation to period) can differ. I've had luteal phases of 10-16 days.

Lolipoplady · 13/02/2019 22:11

@LBARTON, no problem. I know it can be helpful to know that others are in the same position.

In reality we both have a really good chance of conceiving again, and I guess we need to try to hold onto that. We did what was right for us with our previous pregnancies, and that is ok - we weren't ready but we're ready now.

Jesslousie · 31/08/2020 08:32

I know this is a very old thread but I'm in a the same position and am driving myself crazy with fear that 'I've ruined my chances'. I wanted to see how any of you ladies got on with TTC? Trying to put my mind at rest so I chill out a bit but find it very hard to find people that can relate. Thanks :)

Kally9 · 10/02/2021 23:15

Hello @Jesslousie I am very late to this party - but I am almost the exact same boat. I'm 33 now and had a termination at 31. We have been ttc since Feb 2020 when we got married. It's very very hard going, but I had some therapy and am starting to wade out of the guilt and anger. Hope you are feeling better x

Kally9 · 10/02/2021 23:18

@Jesslousie also happy to chat here if you want, it really is hard to find people who relate

Clrke · 24/12/2021 11:51

Sorry late to the thread, I hope you’ve found peace now. I’m in the same situation and it has been so reassuring reading your stories on this thread, so thank you. Hopefully my luck will be in for next year now, as done a test today and still negative

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