Abortion in June and now feeling

[qwertt12]

Hi!!

I am 20 and I fell pregnant in summer and had an abortion

It took a lot to do this and I have hated myself for it every since

But at the time it felt right

I still think I made the right disision as at the time I was under a lot of stress (which has now gone)

It is all I can think about, and I want to not only fill the gap that is missing, but I want to make up for what I did

My partner is more than happy for us to try but would prefer for it to be a couple of months which is fine

But I just wanted to really speak out loud and I am not even sure why

I would like to add that I have been with my partner for 4 years we are very stable and have a house together,

20 can sound so young to some people, but I think it depends of the nature of the person and the life they live

We hardly go out, we love meeting with family weekly and know we can have a wonderful family ourselves

Partner is 26

Oh OP, you do not need to make up for what you did, this is because you have done nothing wrong! You made the right decision for you at that time of your life. In my job I refer people to abortion services frequently, let me tell you, some are teens some are in their 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, some are mothers, some are not, it makes me so sad as they almost always start the conversation with me with the same sentence each time “I know it’s awful and you’ll think I’m a bad person but I’m pregnant.....” . Myself, colleagues and many others would never think any woman requesting a termination was a bad person. never.
if it wasn’t right for you at that time you made the right choice.
20 is not to young and if you are both ready go for it. Stop beating yourself up though

@Lymphy I can't say thank you enough for listing to me and spending some time replying xx thank you xx

I would wait. You are still very young. Wait another year or two at least. How long have you been with your partner? It makes sense to bring a child into a stable relationship and one that can support a family financially as well. At 20 year are just finishing Uni and beginning a career. I would say wait until 25 even.

Hello OP I would wait also, because you made the decision to have the abortion for good reason. You are very young not too young but you have time on your side. You don't need to have a baby now and certainly not because you feel bad about having an abortion. You need time to grieve.

Think about this, if you hadn't got pregnant would you be thinking of having a baby now? Go and enjoy your lives together for a bit, maybe make a plan of when you would like to have a baby together. Have some holidays, some fun, save some money so that when you have a baby you will be in a good position regarding maternity time off. You have not done anything wrong. It was not the right time for you. Someday hopefully it will be.

Thank you everyone!

@StarlightIntheNight I run my own business and will be able to have maternity for as long as I like, we have been together for 4 years
We have no mortgage and already in our bought house so money is no problem (which makes things a lot easier)

We are well traveled and have 2 holidays a year with my family, I am not in a rush, but I feel it is also my time.

People have children later and later now a days! neither of us went to uni we partied and worked and now we are settled, we are naturally designed to start in our 20's so I don't think I am
"Too young"
Defiantly not in my opinion any way xx

@qwertt12 just to be devils advocate.

What's changed in the last 6 months that mean bows the right time, but June wasn't?

My dads buisness set on fire and took the whole factory down, my partner had a stroke I felt I wasn't in the right mind to relax

I didn't want to start a new life with so much stress and anxiety x

@stokieginge sorry forgot to tag you x

@qwertt12 in that case, if you're ready now then why not.

You seem to be financially stable from what you've said.

@qwertt12 also, I hope your partner has recovered. X

@stokieginge

Thank you, luckily (not totally luckily but we have to count our blessings) it was in his vein so no oxygen stopped going to his brain it just stopped blood leaving
Which means he is back to normal!

I had my daughter at 20 & in no way was I as stable financially etc as what you appear to be. My daughter is almost 7 & she is the most beautiful, intelligent, polite & wonderful child you could ever hope to meet, maybe I'm bias but yeah. Since having her, I've put myself through uni & I'm about to graduate through my nursing degree. We have a lovely home, I'm about to embark on a stable career, & we're very happy. 'Too young' is so subjective & a matter of opinion. If you feel ready, you go girl.

Bless you.

Do wait a couple of years because at the moment you are trying to replace the baby you didn't have.

In two years you'll still be very young and there are other things to be enjoyed in the meantime.

Well done to you two for being so independent at such a young age, it is inspirational.

@LaurenAnn1991 thank you for writing that and taking your time! You sound amazing which is why your daughter will be 2 x

I also had my first in my 20s, but late 20s. I was pregnant at 28 and had my second at 30. I am glad I enjoyed my 20s, as once you have children your life is never the same. I love them dearly and we are trying for a third now, but you only live once so its nice to have some of your young adult life to be a little selfish and focus on yourself.

I think you're the only one who can make that decision op... you seem fairly secure in your relationship/financially etc so if it's what you both really really want then go for it...

I had my first when I was 19 and she's 13 now and as much as it was a massive struggle at times (I did have another 2 in the 3 years after she was born, mental I know!) it was all worth it for the relationship we have now. Saying that there have been times when I felt very excluded from people my own age - however now they're all home with little babies and I have much more freedom. Although now I've just re married I want a lo with my new husband... so that's all soon to change, hopefully.

I'd also had an abortion at 17 and felt the same longing to have a baby... Although like you the abortion was right decision at the time.

All the best in what ever you decide

@Flossylou

Thank you for replying, sounds like you have a gorg family xx

I had an abortion many years ago and reacted in the complete opposite way. I felt that if I'd chose not to have one child, I didn't deserve to ever have one and that no child could ever replace that one. I really hated myself for ages.

It sounds like you did exactly what was right for you at the time, but I know from experience this doesn't really help you feel better. My abortion was after being raped and not many people would think I'd done the wrong thing but I still felt crap.

I ended up joining a support site (passboards) and there were hundreds of people exactly like you - feeling like they want to make up for what they did by having a child soon after. If you are feeling bad about things maybe this is something that could help you accept what happened.

And if after working through things you really think it's a good time then go for it. It sounds like you're in a really good position compared to probably 95% of prospective parents so who cares if you're still young?

Whilst you may be financially stable the language and tone in your posts suggest that emotionally, you're probably not ready.

I think you need to seek out some counselling or therapy to deal with your feelings from the abortion, "hating yourself", "filling a gap" and "making up for what you did" is not a healthy attitude to have especially when you're speaking about putting yourself through another massive emotional stress.

You need to move forward and leave those feelings behind and with all due respect 6 months is a very short period of time to have such a change of heart.

FWIW I had my first at 19 so I don't think 20 is "too young" but personally I feel like I could've dealt with a lot of the issues that we've faced better if I'd had a bit more life experience.