Mixed emotions.. can we have it all?

[user1485276096]

I’m 28, a pretty free spirit my husband is 31 and we are pretty care free people. I was diagnosed with endometriosis last year and have had two surgeries the doctors said that my best chance of having a baby would be after the surgery which I had in April.

Kids were always in our plan, we’ve bought a house we have a dog and both have kid jobs, we go on holidays and have fun.. I’ll
Admit the endometriosis has meant a fast forward button on something which was going to happen.. in an ideal world of waited till after I was 30 however it was on the cards at some point.

I do feel my mind set has changed and I feel having a baby is exciting however I’m also nervous to how our life would change. I feel like people don’t talk about this aspect of it and how having a human is s big deal.

I’m determined that we will still go on holidays and still have me time even with a baby and still be able to do things but with a tiny human.

Unfortunately I know lots of people around me who have had children and have shut themselves away and don’t leave the house.. this kind of attitude defiantly isn’t in our make up..

If anyone can relate to this please let me know!

It all depends on so many factors. Your baby’s personality, your birth and your attitude all matter. We’ve got a pretty laid-back, happy baby which helps loads, but I ended up with serious birth injuries which trapped me on the sofa for a good few months. However, we went to a wedding when he was 3 weeks old, took him camping at 9 months, and we’re enjoying our last few months of being able to schlepp him up mountains in the back carrier before he wants to walk everywhere for himself (at one-year-old speed, stopping for every interesting twig/stone/dog poo/puddle etc).

Breastfeeding helped loads as you can be less rigid about planning and don’t have to lug feeding/sterilising stuff with you, and having a good sling means you’re not limited to buggy-accessible places.

Me time is, for the most part, a distant memory but you just sort of adapt. After a year of intensive pelvic floor physio I’m just getting back into regular running, so that gives me 3 half hour stretches of uninterrupted me time a week (my husband cycles so gets his then). Acting as a mutually supportive team in terms of managing parenting/housework/cooking/life admin is also essential.

Good luck! It is a huge change but I was really surprised by how fun and fulfilling I found it as well - felt that everyone says how hard it’ll be (and it is), but nobody says “by the way, your kid will be delightful and surprising and fucking hilarious, and you’ll suddenly realise what a relief it is not to be the centre of your universe anymore, and how good it feels to just be a good mammal and immerse yourself in nurturing and wordlessness”

That defiantly sounds like us going to a wedding / going away with the baby and not shutting ourselves away.. I person I know in particular doesn’t leave the house or uses it as an excuse not to visit or go anywhere.. I get it’s a change but I can’t imagine locking myself away I know we still actively want to do things and go abroad..
I know life is what you make it and how you handle things of course..

Ideally before a baby I’d like to go to LA and Vegas again but if not we can still go with a child or get a baby sitter for a week.. It’s not life stopping but life changing yeah..

I’m still confused how I feel I think it’s the fear of missing out / seeing some people around me shut themselves away is defiantly a negative view point

I think everyone underestimates how much having a child will impact on their life. It really does depend on the child and the attitude of the parents though. I had a friend who pre-baby said they were going to take it travelling round India when it was 6 months. Didn't happen. Same woman did take it on a ski holiday with friends and ended up having to come back early as the baby (9 months ish I think) refused to eat there.

Babies before they're 6 months ish are incredibly portable. You can take them to weddings, planes, carry them in carriers to go for longish muddy country walks. It's once they're moving that they are much more restrictive.

That said, I wouldn't change mine for anything. You just adapt. I don't know anyone who doesn't go out much because of their child. You just chose to go to child friendly places. Nights out in the pub are very rare now, but that's ok. If you have family nearby for babysitting then you're lucky and can still get couple time.

My daughter is 2 1/2 and we've only left her over night a couple of times. I know it sounds ridiculous but I'd miss her too much if we were away for more than a weekend.

If it really were so shit having kids why do so many people have more than one?

My son is 3, I didn't plan to have kids at all. I took him to Australia at 5 months old, he's been to Amsterdam, Spain, UK holidays, and we go out every day I'm not working. It is all in your attitude. He cried for the first 4 months of his life due to reflux, he didn't sleep much until one, but we are not inside people.

He is now the happiest, most inquisitive boy that brings delight to my life. You do have to adapt, but things are different, not worse. I was past nights out all the time.

I get me time as my husband parents equally and I'm very lucky my mum is happy to have him over night, so we tend to take her up on this once every couple of months.

Its not a life sentence, you get out what you put in.

I agree with the previous poster about missing them - we only do adventures that work for all 3 of us these days. Have had one evening out since he was born but we spent it talking about the baby and by the time we got in the taxi I was leaking milk through my fancy dress and missing the baby. I’ve no desire to do baby-free overnights, really don’t think I’d enjoy it and would have to be pumping all the time to avoid mastitis.

The wedding was one I’d not have missed for the world and baby was fine, but I still had a gaping wound across my perineum due to burst, infected episiotomy stitches and couldn’t sit on both bum cheeks at the same time! Made it through because the bride and groom are vvv close friends who sent me to lie down in the bridal suite every few hours.

So I think just try not to set any rigid expectations and play it by ear.

This sounds very much like us, not making it restricting but only adding to everything.

I think because I’ve had in my ear how much having a baby oh you can’t do this you won’t be able to do that, we have a baby and We can’t leave the house.. I always thought but why can’t you leave the house is it because it’s easyier for you?

We are lucky we’d hsve lots of family help / there’s two of us.. I defiantly think it would add to our life and not be a life sentence and I’ve seem people make it a life sentence and I find it strange..

Yeah you adapt circumstance of course. I see it if I was poorly after a baby then things might have to go on hold.

In general I’d try my best of still seeing friends having me time as there’s two of us to share parenting and grandparents who will adore it all.

The way I see it we can still do holidays but it might mean grandparents baby sitting or going to more family friendly places . Im still determined to do an American trip even if it’s with baby!

I think it all depends on your own personality, and mindset. I have always been very sociable and confident and have never shut myself away despite having 3 DC. In fact after one was born I went back to university 4 days later; I breastfed him in class in front of everyone.

I work hard and I go on holiday every year with my kids as well as on my own and with friends. I've never had a problem leaving my children with friends or family that I trust overnight. I also let their dad be involved despite ebf all of them.

I also have endometriosis and have had 4 surgeries on it but it never stopped me conceiving.

Some parents can't relax enough to enjoy themselves alone without the child. Personally I'm of the view that a sociable happy mother brings up happy, socially adept children.

It is a massive change to your lifestyle. I used to be always out, going out for drinks and holidays but now stay home a lot as I found too hard and stressful to be out and about. Also depends on your support, would your partner be hands on or be working most of time, do you have family close by etc

If you are only 28 you have over a decade to start your family if your not ready.

I got pregnant at 21 (unplanned) and he's 8 years old now. Of course it changed my life, but I would never say to the worse/made it harder.

I think it has a lot to do with your way of thinking and attitude towards the situation. I have never seen this as something that prevents me from doing what I want/need.

We got married, we've moved abroad, we both finished two university degrees and we're both working in the film industry. We've taken him with us to Spain multiple times, Japan twice and back and forth from the UK and our home country.

It's not always easy (but when is life always easy in adulthood really?) and we go through shit from time to time like everyone else. But what out son has brought to our lives is so worth it.

We've been trying for another baby for a long time now and I know that is perhaps going to make us "more restricted" and less "free", but I see that as another chapter and we'll adjust to that (and once they're older it all changes).

Bottom line, in my opinion there's never a "right" time to have children. We're all different and do things differently. But having a child in my case did definitely not turn my whole life around and make me stay at home more than usual.

Dont forget as well - babies grow up!!! While some people find having a tiny baby quite restrictive, it really is only a few short months/a couple of years. My son is now 2 and there’s nowhere I wouldn’t take him. We’ve been on multiple foreign holidays and have no issues parking him with a grandparent for the night/weekend so me and DH can go away or go out etc.

I imagine this only gets easier as they get older and more self sufficient. Plus now he has a proper personality, lots of things are way more fun with ds in tow! He’s hilarious and so much fun!

Unfortunately with my endometriosis we don’t have a decade to wait..

We have had a long discussion about it, been married with a house and a stable life then we are happy to move things forward quicker then we would have liked in an ideal world.. in my head I would have waited till 30-32 and had 4 more years of travelling and holidaying but who says we can’t holiday and travel with a baby. I’d rather have one and not miss our chance so my ovaries are ina good state after my latest operation.
Time might not be on our side and it’s one of those things. If I was 18 or even 21 I wouldn’t even be considering this as an option but as I’m 28 together 9 years married 3 it’s something we really have to consider if waiting those extra 4 years for the ‘right time’ may mean it never happens. And I honestly believe there isn’t a right time..