Annoyed at myself for waiting til my current age

[LaceyLou42]

I’m 26 but due to the medication my partner is currently on (although this is yet to be confirmed but after extensive googling I think I’m right) I wouldn’t be able to ttc til at least July next year and due to my birthday being in January I’d be at least 29 by the time I’d have my first (assuming I don’t encounter problems conceiving). I’ve always said I wouldn’t ttc after 35 as I suffer with anxiety and I know I’d panic about not having a fully healthy baby. Meaning if I have my first at 29 I’d rush to have a 2nd meaning I’d probably have my hands full and may be pushing it to have a third before I’m 35 unless I had them all quite close together.

I know a lot of you are older than me and I fully support you however these are my own personal worries that I have.

Me and my partner have been together years and years however we only moved in together last September which is when he fell poorly so I guess I’ve had no choice but to wait but I’m now starting to worry about not being able to have as many as I perhaps dreamt of!

I know things don’t always go to plan either and this could just be one big fantasy. Just wish I could have it all now or go back in time and got a place to live earlier.

To conclude - Life has a funny thing of getting in the way!

The 29 was a typo btw! Shame you can’t edit these posts!

Basically, I was wanting to have a few years between babies and now realise I can’t.

Hindsight as they say!

Basically, I was wanting to have a few years between babies and now realise I can’t.

You can. You’re just choosing not to. That’s not the same thing.

It’s not so bad, I started at 31 and am now expecting number 4 at 37. It’s been a busy few years though.

Unfortunately you can't guarantee a healthy baby just because you're under 35. Having a baby/child is not about certainties and utterly anxiety inducing. You can't have set ideas about anything, when you'll conceive, the birth, what your child will look like, whether they'll be physically healthy or have special needs. A lot of it is a lottery and age has nothing to do with it.

@Tobykins I understand this.

I guess I read too much about “risks increase with age.” And “the older you are the harder it can be to conceive.” And it panics me.

I might not even be able to conceive at all. Who knows. I just wish I’d started earlier as I do take the above seriously and having the thought of having children close together worries me as I know they’re hard work, especially when toddlers.

@Elllicam I salute you!

Your risk doesn’t automatically dramatically increase the night of your 35th birthday. It’s a gradual process.
I am 36 weeks with my third. First when I’d just turned 29, second when 30 and third at 34.

You’re overthinking it. If you were 36 you might have a point but at 26 this kind of worry is unnecessary. Maybe speak to your GP if your anxiety is problematic

You can't try until next July, meaning your first will come probably when 28. That gives you another 7 years before your cut off to have another child so allows you a good few years break before you try again.

@BakedBeans47 I am already getting therapy.

I apologise if my post seems silly. If I could delete I would. I do have the tendency to overthink.

I guess I’m just disappointed that today I’ve realised we may have to wait due to reading up about my partners medication and I was so excited to ttc next month.

Did you want a decade between your children?

You can get pregnant at 21 and have a child with MANY medical issues... I'm early 20's, overweight, my DH is 'old' late 30's, he's also 'overweight' and had LOTS of medical problems, we have a SUPER (touch wood) healthy 2 year old who is 91 percentile for her age, great weight height and health nothing wrong with her at all. Statistics would say we would make an unhealthy child.... did I mention I also had Gestational diabetes ?? When I was pregnant with her I saw more pregnant over 35's than I did under... I wouldn't worry about it to much if your last baby is born after your 35 because stress is probably the worst thing you can have when your trying to conceive!

@HJWT yes very true. I guess posting this, also silly to some, has been an eye opener for me. I wouldn’t have heard these stories if I hadn’t posted.

Thanks everybody!

**although silly for some

I think you need to see how it goes with one or two before you worry about fitting the third one in. If your first two are healthy with no problems then you might be more inclined to have a third. Alternatively you might find that you are really happy with two, or even one. Let your dh concentrate on getting himself fit and well. Use these extra months to get yourself fit and well. My youngest wouldn't be born with your criteria but he is a happy and healthy child.

I also have waves of ‘oh my god why have we left it so late’ - but you can’t turn the clock back, just make the best decisions going forward. If it’s a medical issue for your partner then you are absolutely doing the right thing waiting till the right time.

@LaceyLou42 I understand your worries and can empathise. I'm 30 and ttc #1, and honestly my life plan was to have my 2 children by now. Unfortunately life didn't give a crap about my plan lol. I too panic that I've left it too late and wonder if I eventually get pregnant at an older age and then what if my kids have their kids at an older age and I might not even get to meet my grandkids... when it's all typed out I realise it sounds ridiculous! But that's what anxiety does to you. I'm glad you're getting therapy, hopefully it will make a world of difference to you. But it's important to remember that you come first - when your husband is in good health and you're in a good place mental-health wise, you'll make even better parents 😀 that's what I like to tell myself.

@Willowjasmine thanks for your understanding! I hope you can also get some reassurance from some of the other responses. Good luck with everything and here’s to the future!

I don't understand why people are minimising your feelings to make themselves feel better about being older mums. I totally understand what you mean, I've just had my second child and I'm 28 and tbh I'm with you and wouldn't want to have a baby after 35.

There's a reason for the rise in birth defects, miscarriages etc and it's due to people waiting so long.

It's scientifically proven that natural fertility drops after age 30 and drops dramatically after age 35!

Hmm I think this is you anxiety speaking as you are way over thinking things that you can't and shouldn't be able to control. I think you would be far better spending a couple of years focusing on getting this under control as there is nothing more anxiety inducing than pregnancy, babies and kids in general, regardless of whether you have a healthy baby.

I don't understand why people are minimising your feelings to make themselves feel better about being older mums

Who is doing that? People would have to feel bad about being an older mum to want to make themselves feeling better about it, and no one has indicated that they do?

Of course it isn’t silly. I’m glad you’re getting therapy. FWIW my mum was 25 when she had me 40-odd years ago and was classed as an older mother I was 32 when I had my first and at my booking in MW said I was a young one

I understand the anxiety, especially as I had some too at your age, bu just so you know the "fertility falls off a cliff at 35" that we all worry about is not really true at all. Obviously fertility does decline and chance of complications increase as you get older but 35 isn't the dramatic cliff
edge that it's made out to be; the percentage difference in chance of conceiving at 37 vs 27 is small. This article is good on where the cited statistics come from www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/309374/?__twitter_impression=true

I don’t think anyone’s life plans out as they expect it too, I certainly didn’t expect to only meet a partner in mid 30s and be trying to conceive my 1st at 37, but life had other ideas

Try not to get anxious over it, you can’t go back in time and fix it so all you can do is focus on being positive about what’s ahead. What will be will be

(I realise you're worried about not just fertility but health of baby as well, but, again, the stats on how that relates to maternal age aren't as scary as is often suggested - the article I posted talks a bit about that as well.

Am not trying to change your mind on stopping at 35, by the way - it's all a very personal weighing up of chances and choices, plus anxiety is real and awful - just wanted to point out that myths abound...)

Please try not to worry too much: I am 38 and currently 39 weeks pregnant with my first. I’ve had a textbook uncomplicated pregnancy and have been well and active throughout. I know people in their twenties who are having all sorts of complications and problems.

Age is only a small factor in pregnancy/childbirth - things like smoking, weight, fitness, healthy diet etc. have far more influence and are much more under your control. Plus life has a habit of taking you by surprise - for example, what if you have twins?