Feeling devastated by my life choices

[Burningmeup]

I just got yet another period last night.

At this stage we've been TTC for a year. I'm in a job I hate because I thought I'd have fallen pregnant by now and didn't want to miss out on maternity leave here which is pretty good.

I'm feeling so, so crushed right now. I've put myself through so much bullshit for nothing.

I had a horrible meeting with my line manager today where the high level plan she asked for didn't contain enough detail for her liking. It's like this all the time. Everything I do is wrong. I know I need a new job and I'll probably start looking in January but this means no baby for at least another year as SMP would stretch us a bit too much.

Looking for a handhold or for someone to give my head a wobble

That sucks. Is your current company big enough for you to move internally? Apply for a different role (fx new manager) under the pretence of wanting a new challenge/change of scenery? Then you'd still get to keep the good mat pay?

GemmaJen unfortunately not, there are about 70 of us and a move for me would mean a completely different area e.g. think marketing to finance.

I'm currently wildly swinging between "I can't take much more of this" and "just one more month".

This may sound like shit advice, but it's worth a try: act as if you like the job. Put effort into it, sound enthgusiastic when you are given feedback and set yourself goals to meet the manager's suggestions for improvement.
It can make you feel like you belong, improve work relationships and give you a bit of drive and focus while you are going through such a hard time TTC.

I'm in a similar boat. I keep telling myself that I'll kick myself if I hand my notice in and that's the month i get pregnant.

Why don't you give it a few more months, but set yourself an internal deadline?

Oh goodness I was in exactly your boat 4 years ago. My boss was a horrible woman who hated mums and I couldn’t do right for trying. I hung in here and had first one then a second baby in quick succession.
Have you had fertility tests? Go to your doctor and get started on them. It’ll happen.