Out of the hope zone (TTC #1, cycle 8)

[goldflakepaint]

Hi everyone, my first time posting although I've been lurking a bit (and having various threads come up when I've been googling symptoms in the 2ww for a few months). Me and my partner are both 33 trying to conceive our first child, getting on to our 8th cycle with nothing to show for it.

I thought today needed to be the day that I post as I'm almost certainly out of the 'hope zone' (the ladies at the BFN podcast call it this and it's perfect for what I experience- hopeful and optimistic in my maybe-pregnancy) and feeling pretty down about it. I woke up to spotting today which I know could be implantation bleeding but I've done the 'implantation bleeding vs spotting' dance for several months now- the days that I have experienced spotting has gotten longer and longer (it was 7 days on and off last cycle) but has always ended in AF so its not looking good.

It's a weird place to be in- ttc taking longer than you imagined but still shy of a year with nothing (so far) appearing to be wrong. So every time we don't get pregnant, I feel like I'm moaning or being impatient or getting really negative when I try to express my worries about something possibly being wrong. I'm quite open with my friends about things but don't want to go on too much to them and they have not had the same experiences- either not trying for/not wanting children or got pregnant effortlessly.

My partner is the opposite to me and is very laid back, thinks everything is fine and that I might be allowing negative thoughts to take over. He understands that I am upset but encourages me to move forward as soon as possible which is of course right but also, easier said than done.

I know that getting pregnant isn't like a test you can study for or something you can achieve if you just work hard enough- although let's be real, ttc sex can feel like work on occasion ;). It is an exercise in patience and trying your luck and living in hope. But I'm all out of hope today- so what better time than to reach out to others who might be able to relate?

I started feeling that way after about 10 months. Honestly, it takes 5-6 months for 50% to conceive, and you're just beyond that. You should still have hope. 80% will conceive in a year. The stats are on your side.

But that's easier to say than feel if you've done the 'right things' all your life and been told that hard work pays off. This is a lesson in resilience.

Be kind to yourself.

@physicskate Thanks for your message and you're absolutely right about it being a lesson in resilience. I just needed to vent out all the negativity yesterday but am focusing on moving forward now as well as just trying to enjoy and appreciate things for what they are. But I really appreciate your empathy and its nice to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way. Can I ask how you coped with those feelings?

It took us two and a half years in the end. A round of ivf has so far been successful. Things got dark, very dark for me at various times. The worst was about 6 months before ivf. I think it was because I was admitting defeat (and it was a very stressful time at my then-job).

Antidepressants and counselling helped to various degrees.

Ultimately, those feelings simply vanished once I became pregnant...

Completely understandable that you felt that way- its great that things are going well with IVF. I think it is important to seek out as much support as possible- both medication and therapy have helped me before- and its good to hear that you got through it.

Extra stress on top of struggling to conceive is the worst- I made the decision to leave a stressful job a few months ago which was painful as it felt like failing but ultimately it was the right decision. Everything was getting on top of me and something had to give.

I think, for me, it is the uncertainty that is probably more anxiety provoking than anything else. Part of me thinks I might even feel a bit relieved if we do end up having to have fertility investigations because it might mean getting to the bottom of things. But that might just be my massive naivety.

Good luck with your pregnancy, you really deserve it

For me it was also the uncertainty. I'm a very logical, regimented sort of person (I imagine most women who ttc and don't fall accidentally are to some extent). The uncertainty and the endless cycle of hope and despair.

That's great you got yourself out of that work situation! It helped me too!!

Above all, don't give yourself a hard time. You aren't the first, you won't be the last. But it feels so incredibly personal - and it isn't.

Thanks for your advice, it is helpful to remember that it isn't personal and feelings aren't always reality (my DP's favourite phrase to me when I'm spinning out). Learning to live with uncertainty is also helpful and ttc is definitely exposing me to that!

@goldflakepaint i totally relate. I've been in some dark places. It's been 11 cycles relentlessly ttc with not even a hint of a BFP.

Until Monday and I finally got one!!! After nearly giving up!! Strangely it was out first month using pre seed. But who knows if that was just luck! I'm hoping this is going to be a sticky one as the thought of losing it and going back to ttc...I just can't even go there!

Don't give up, keep going but don't forget to live your life in between xxx

@SullyWifey Congratulations on your BFP and good luck with the pregnancy. Your story definitely gave me hope so thank you. I have realised recently how important living my life whilst ttc is now that it is taking longer than I thought. Persistence and patience...

@goldflakepaint just gone across this old thread and wondered how you are getting on?xx

Hiya,I know how you feel, I've been ttc since Sept 2018, although I do have other children. It is just souls destroying. I've had 3 chemical pregnancies since May and AF arrived today. Feel totally out of hope.