Too sad this early on in TTC #1 (aka a tale of how I destroyed a cupboard)

[Ferretyface]

Hello Mumsnet!

We're less than a year in ttc #1, so I should begin by saying I know some posters have been trying longer and I have so very much sympathy with that.

But I need to admit I'm not ok. I thought I was ok, waiting for the moment of a BFP and all the adventure that follows. Recently engaged and supposedly excited for the future. But after having taken a claw hammer to enthusiastically murder a built in cupboard earlier today when my period started, I realise it is a bit more than that. (For context, we've bought a fixer upper and the ugly ass wardrobe had had it coming for a while but I've still made a biblical mess and fiancé is going to flip).

I am sticking it out in a dismal job for the future maternity benefits. But two months of unsuccessfully ttc properly charting (and a few months of generally trying before that) have made me so sad. I'm miserable not knowing when, or even if, having a family will ever happen for me. Every month when I get my period it is making me so sad. Like my prison sentence in this shitty job and nobabyville has been extended.

I'm 38, terrified it's all a bit too late for me and desperate to be pregnant. I feel like I should be happy for what I do have but really I was so desperate for it all for so long that I've run out of patience before our journey has really started. I spent five years single before meeting my fiancé and feel like I used up all my patience watching all my friends and my sister meet "the one", get married and have kids.

I guess what I'm asking is whether anyone else feels the same way. And at what point do you have to admit this is not waiting for a BFP, but rather waiting to be happy?

Ugh. Apologies for the negativity but would be lovely to hear from anyone feeling the same level of "omfgiwanttoquitmyjobandhavebabiesaboutfiveyearsago".

P.s. That bastard cupboard had it coming and demolition is totally a form of therapy. Just a shame it brought all the plaster down with it.

I can sympathise with what you say about the waiting. I was 37 when we started trying, like you I’d spent years plastering on a smile while everyone else had “their turn” but I didn’t meet the right person until I was 35.

It took us eight months in the end and I remember that misery every month when AF came. I was so scared that it would never happen. My partner was really supportive but he already has a son so there was a part of me that felt he couldn’t completely understand how I was feeling.

All I can say is that it was totally worth it when it finally happened. I am 38 weeks now and I think waiting so long has made me appreciate it a lot more and made the tougher parts of pregnancy much easier to put up with.

I kept a little notebook where I tried to write positive thoughts regularly - everything from “at least we’re actually ttc and I’m not still single” to statistics about how the majority of couples will conceive and it’s only a twenty percent chance each month so actually it’s quite usual for it to take a while. I also concentrated on things like diet and exercise on the basis that if it took a while to get pregnant then at least I’d be in good shape when it did finally happen.

Good luck - I hope it happens for you soon but you are definitely not alone in finding it hard.

Thank you so much. What a kind reply. I'll try the same (keeping notes) and hopefully it'll help me stay positive. Very glad to hear you got there, congratulations and good luck! 😘

I started feeling really shit when we hit the 10 month mark. I realised I might not be like 'everyone else'. It got dark over the following year when tests revealed nothing 'wrong'. I found antidepressants and counselling helpful. Acupuncture just before our round of ivf at over two years ttc put me in a pretty good place.

And then lo and behold, our round worked. I've not quite forgotten how bad it was, and I still have really bitter moments that it took such a toll on me (my health, career, sanity etc). But I'm pretty ok.

What I'm saying is this: the first step is admitting you aren't ok. The second step is getting help. Gp is a good place to start. Plans help.

Hi, I'm not sure how to reply directly to each message (new on here) but thank you for your reply too. It sounds like you had a rough ride but I'm glad to hear you got through it.

I'm a big fan of counselling/antidepressants when they are needed and I think I just didn't know if I was there yet. But perhaps I am. Ive only ever felt low in the past where there was something specifically negative I was experiencing like a shit job or boyfriend whereas this I guess feels like the absence of a positive rather than something I can validly complain about. I almost feel like I'm being spoilt by asking for it, yet am genuinely distraught already.

It sounds like you found coping mechanisms that genuinely worked so that helps. Very glad to hear it ended well for you. x

I feel your pain too. I’m currently at nearly a year and I’m scared they won’t find any issues and it’ll be unexplained fertility or be told we can’t conceive naturally. I’m seriously thinking about counselling, mainly because I had a termination in my 20’s and now I feel like I’m being punished. Mumsnet is sometimes the only place I feel I can vent or talk because as much as my friends are there, they don’t understand as they all conceived quickly. By the way I have also been very close to smashing stuff, it definitely gets rid of pent up anger for a while!

Hi @Ferretyface. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advise to give. But what I can say is I 100% feel the same way. I have hated my job with a fierce passion for so long and the only thing keeping me here is maternity leave when I finally conceive. Once that's done, I'm out of there. However, things are taking longer than expected and from what I had thought would happen, I should have been on mat leave by now! It does feel like a prison sentence each month when you first have the sadness of realising yet again you're not pregnant and everyone else in the whole world seems to be! But secondly resigning yourself to the fact that it's another extra month in a job you hate. I know some people would say just quit your job if it's so bad, but financially that wouldn't be viable if I did get pregnant. I hope it's our turn soon!

It sounds like you have hatred for your job/work tied up with your frustration at not yet getting your bfp. It may be easier on you mentally to divorce the 2- find a job you like and do that so a baby isn't a way to escape the daily dread. The impact may not be so severe if the ttc is the only frustration you have. Good luck!

I felt like this when ttc. My dh jokes about how much it cost him buying me presents to here me up every month. It didn’t work. We needed a bit of help to conceive in the end but we got there after a long 2 years. Dd will be 14 next month but I swear those 2 years took longer to pass than the last 14 which have gone in a flash (and the 2nd and 3rd dc were conceived much more easily).

Good luck. It’s a painful process but it’ll be worth it in the end

Is your maternity package really that good? How long is your notice period? You might be better looking for a new job now, if you find something good it might mean a couple of months off trying but you would be in a much better place and it would make trying less stressful. Remember that you normally have to return to work for a period or repay enhanced benefits, how much easier will that be in a job you like and how much easier is it to job hunt going now than with a small baby.

I do sympathise, I am older than you and worried it might never happen but it is easier if your job is ok.

Hi @Ferretyface - sorry you're having such a crap time (sounds like the cupboard deserved it though!). It's sooo tough. We've been trying c.20 months which is shitty, but I found around the 5/6 month mark was particularly tough. I think it was around then it kind of sunk in that it wasn't going to be simple for us, and starting GP tests after 6 months (I'm also late 30s) felt like a bleak milestone. I don't have a happy ending yet - all our tests have come back fine so we are 'unexplained' and on waiting list for IVF, but I've been trying to focus more on my general wellbeing which has really helped. Yoga, knitting, acupuncture - do things which make you feel good!

@Ferretyface your post did make me laugh (that poor cupboard!). I hugely relate to it though as I'm in a similar(ish) position to you - I hate my job and am only holding on for the maternity benefits! But we've been trying for 10 months and it's just not happening...

I'm trying to focus my attention on things to distract me, the main one being working out what I want to do if I don't do my current job - I've enrolled on a distant learning course to do in the evenings and at weekends. Also trying to regularly do yoga, a bit of reflexology and other positivity things like affirmation cards. I read somewhere that when you're not happy at work but can't make a shift because the timing isn't right, one way to deal with it is to make one small change in an area of your life you do have control over and focus on that - anything to get your brain working and thinking about other things.

Good luck! X

Hi @Ferretyface - also in a similar situation although I'm coping ok so far. Just wanted to offer some sympathy. I'm distracting myself by doing creative things outside of work. I'm planning for a change of career either post maternity or when I turn 40 next year, if no baby is forthcoming. I feel like achieving things every month even if pregnancy isn't one of them. Also getting really fit and preparing my body for potential ivf. This all helps me enormously, and makes me feel like my life isn't on hold.

Good luck with the renovation! I'd have loved a project but we bought something that was finished to a perfect (boring) showhome standard as not much comes up for sale in our area so choice is limited.

Thank you, all of you. As much as I wish you weren't in the same situation, it does help to hear that I'm not the only one struggling with it.

I would like to fast forward us all forward to the BFP/start of mat leave! I wish you all every success in ttc/parenthood.

You've spurred me on to dealing with this as I would any other shitty thing: find a coping mechanism and power on through. Fingers crossed I have the inner strength not to destroy any more furniture! Xxx