aaaah I feel so angry and upset - Need to let it out!

[Flumpytigger]

Hi,

Some of you will know me from the TTC threads and some of you will know my story.

In brief I lost my beautiful little Angel Harry in early February, he was 25 weeks and should have arrived with us safely on 16th May.
We are TTC again but I don't feel like I will ever truly recover from my loss.

I just needed to have a rant because I feel like my mum has just completely moved on and forgotten all about my little boy She seems to go really quiet whenever he is mentioned and it's like she just wants to avoid the whole conversation. In an old school way, like I should have moved on and dealt with it by now or something.

To make matters worse she carrys on like my sisters ds is her first grand child and how wonderful he is (he's only 11wks old). I understand how happy everyone is, but can they not be a little bit more sensitive? I only lost my ds 4 months ago.

We went over to my mum and dads on Sunday for Fathers day; which looking back was probably not the best idea. Anyway not one single person asked how my DH was feeling (seeing as though it should have been his first fathers day). This combined with the fact that none of his family had rang him really got to him

Then my mum took my sister upstairs on the quiet and got out a big box full of toys and asked if she would like them for her ds, naturally she did. I only happened to see this because I went up to the loo. Upon doing so I realised that the majority of the toys were my childhood toys and I just felt like screaming at them.. What about me, do you not think that this is really insensitive? Yes I lost my little boy but I will have other children and I would like something to pass onto them from my childhood!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! I couldn't wait to leave and I just don't want to speak to any of them right now

Sorry just had to let it all out.... thanks for listening. xx

Flumytiger - {{hugs}}, you are coping so well, with your insensitive family. I am glad that you have come here for a little rant. I hope that you know that we are here listening and feeling the pain with you. And thank you for posting, I was worried when you "disappeared" for a few days.

Poor you Flumpy, you poor thing

Oh Flumpy I´m so sorry it must have been dreadful for you and dh. I´m sure your mum didn´t mean to seem insensitive but I think the only way she can deal with the loss is by blanking it out and not talking about it. She also probably believes (obviously wrongly) that she won´t upset you and dh if she doesn´t bring the subject up, which of course isn´t helping you. Maybe you should sit down with your mum and make her talk about it so that she knows you want to discuss this. Also, I´m sure that your sister will share the toys with you when you do have your own dearly awaited little one.

Flumpytigger

(((((((((flumpytigger))))))))))).

I am very sorry to read about Harry your son.

I have heard of other people doing the same sorts of things as your Mother has done; not mentioning his death as you rightly surmise does not help anyone least of all yourselves.
She is no doubt grieving as well but does not know how to express her emotions openly.

If you have not already done so may I suggest that you contact SANDS (their web address is www.uk-sands.org). They are very good and can offer both advice and support.

Hi Flumpytigger,

So sorry to hear about Harry. I'm in a very similar situation, I lost my little one Bertie at 24 weeks in Nov 06' and have been struggling with everything. Family issues have been a nightmare as my brother and SIL had a baby in January and have been less than sensitive about our loss. It has torn my heart in two...My mum and dad have pictures on their phones, computers of their new grand daughter and every time I go round there they have a new card saying to my grandmother or granddad... Not one person called my dh on fathers day... it was so hard... but we are becoming use to the fact it is very much 'our' problem and we need to get on with it. Although it hurts very much, coupled with dealing with the fact my son is not here with us.... its like a double whammy! Why can't they understand???
Wow - sorry to rattle on about myself and my problems, but seems like we have much in common - unfortunately!

If you ever want to talk and rant my email address is [email protected], a few of us email each other and it really help as I truely believe only those that have lost something so precious can understand properly all the feeling that you have to deal with.

Blowing lots of kisses to beautiful Harry and if you do want to talk just email me. Love Rah Xx

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post and thank you for your kind words.

Thanks Impatience it means a lot that you've read my rant and that you sympathise.. it's good to know I'm not going totally crazy!

I'm always here Rainbowdays, I'm always lurking and then every so often something will happen and I just feel like the only thing I can do is talk to MN's. You're all so supportive and caring..

Soph73, I just don't know what to do for the best. I know my mum didn't do it on purpose, but I just feel like talking to her would only upset her and I don't want to do that. But then I do want her to know how I feel, it's so hard

Attila, I have thought about contacting SANDS many times before. I always thought I wouldn't need to because I felt ok and then something will just knock me sideways. May be I do need to speak to someone because it just doesn't feel like it's getting any easier and sometimes the tiniest thing will upset me.

RahRah1, your post made me cry, but not in a bad way! You know exactly how I'm feeling and you sound like you are going through such similar emotions. I might just take you up on the email offer..

I hope Bertie and Harry have found each other up on a cloud somewhere..

Big kisses to your beautiful little angel, Bertie.

I'm sorry, this thread probably should have been in the bereavement section. It was meant as a general rant but everything seems to be linked these days

Thanks again!
xx

P.s My sister called before and I managed to speak to her about how I was feeling. She told me that she thought the same when mum gave the toys to her and she said she will have a big box ready for when we are able to try again; which was sweet. She also said that she often thinks about Harry (her little nephew) and she realises how lucky she is to have her ds. She helped me to see that avoidance is probably mums way of coping..

Hi Flumpytigger,

Sands helpline number is 020 7436 5881

The helpline team have a seperate, confidential e-mail address : [email protected].

The helpline is open from 9.30am - 5.30pm, from Monday to Friday.

(I have used SANDS in the past to talk through my feelings regarding my friend's stillbirth of her daughter. I found them both very helpful and understanding).

Flumpytigger - email me any time! So glad you spoke to your sister and talked to her about how you were feeling. I'm sure Harry and Bertie are up there having a good play and look proudly on at how well we are doing. I know it don't feel like it, but we are!

I log onto sands sometimes, they have a forum similar to MN except everyone on the site has lost a baby. I have met some really great people and everyone can relate to how you are feeling. Sometimes I don't feel like it's right for me to log on, as it can be quite painful, but other times it helps to be able to talk to people in the same position and can relate to what you are saying - www.sandsforum.org
I have never been to any of their support groups or called their helpline but others have and found them very useful. If you do decide to use the forum, email me and I will send you my username so we can say hi on the forum

Sending you a big {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

hi im really sorry for your loss, but one day the horrible feeling u have got at the minute will pass, but u will never forget your litte boy, he will always be there with you both.

my mum lost a baby when i was 5 i cant remember it, but she was burried and still go down to her grave, it took her a very long time to get over this, but she had my little sister 3 years l8er who is 14 this year, but i will never forget my sister just like your never forget your son.

I agrree with the others its probably best to talk to someone else than your partner as i bet it is hard, hopefully by letting out your feelings on here have hoped alot.

I dont think you were being unreasonable with your feeling towards your family and i do think it is unfair, but like i always say if u hve not been thru the situation yourself they will never understand,

I hope you will get thru this soon, as u cant dwell on the pass, try and look forward to the future.

all the best