Questioning having children, please help

[EMorganH]

Hi, I know this seems like a really random place to start a thread like this, but please bear with me, I really feel lost and need some guidance. Like most people, I always just assumed that I'd have children one day, but it's always been an abstract far-away thing. I'm 32 and getting married next year and the time when it will become a real thing is getting closer, but I'm not excited about it and that's really starting to frighten me. Last night my partner randomly told me that he's been thinking about it a lot and isn't sure he still wants kids. I was so shocked as we've always talked about it, that I just went quite quiet. He felt really guilty then and kept apologising for upsetting me and reassuring me that of course we would have kids, but the truth is that all the fears he voiced I have too.

We are just starting to get onto an even keel financially, just bought a home and got it kind of liveable, just starting to get places in our careers, just starting to really enjoy our lives and it feels like such a scary thing to suddenly change all of that. Added to that, I am the youngest in my family and have never really been around children and interacted with them. On the infrequent occasions that I am, I don't know how to talk to them and often feel a bit awkward - I'm not a natural child person at all, I just always assumed that I would get that way as I got older, but I haven't.

I spend time with some of my friends and their children and there are times when they are lovely and I really enjoy it and feel really positive about the idea, but there are other days when their children are just relentless and I can see my friends looking so weighed down by it and I just cannot wait to get away and i'm so glad that I can.

I can't tell you how many times I have googled 'should I have children' at 3am when I can't sleep and there are so many articles out there by women owning their decision not to have children, but I feel like I'm not getting a balanced view. Everyone always says 'you'll feel different when it's your own', is that true? Did anyone feel the way I do before they had children and did it change? The only fear I have that's bigger than all the rest is that I will regret it forever if I don't have children.

I want that experience, I want to give it to my parents and partners parents (who've been obsessively pinning grandparent stuff since we got engaged). Both my partners parents and mine are looking to us as their only shot at much wanted grandchildren. I have a great relationship with my mum and I'd love to have that with a child of my own one day. I want all of these things, but the idea of actually caring for a young child 24 hours a day fills me with dread.

I'm so torn between my fears that I've just reached a stalemate somewhere between the two decisions. I guess I want someone to tell me they felt how I did, but actually now they have no regrets. I want to decide to have children, but I feel like I'm forcing myself to at the moment when everything else in me is screaming hell no.

Thank you for reading.

I didn't want to read and run, very similar position though... recently married, in my 30s, having a family has been there on the to do list but not in the immediate future and frightened me to start turning life around after working so hard to get where it is. Then literally overnight I changed, I was ready.

I didn't want to read and run, but to tell u it is possible your mindset will change x

I felt exactly like this when we decided to start trying for a baby. DS is now 6 months old and yes there have been days(weeks ) when he's like an antichrist because he hasn't slept and we haven't slept either but I don't regret my decision for a second.

They say it's different with your own and it really is. I loved children before but was always glad to be able to walk away when I wanted. With your own child you're watching them grow and nurturing them which is completely different to interacting with other peoples children.

Yes my life is completely different to what it used to be but I have made peace with that and accepted my new life. There's this whole new person that's the center of your world and most things you do you do for them but not in a begrudging way if that makes sense.

Do not feel that you have to have a child to keep your parents or in-laws happy, that's the worst reason to have a baby. When I met DH he said he was sad that he hadn't given him DM a grandchild yet, I pointed out that it was actually sad that he felt like that. Your parents should be happy for you no matter what and should not be putting pressure on.

A wedding is a lot to take on mentally without throwing babies into the mix . Focus on the wedding and you can both see how you feel afterwards. Have an honest conversation with your DP about how you are both feeling.

Hi!

I recognise a lot of what you say.

My DH did not really want kids at all, but left it up to me. I was on the fence for a long time. I'm 33, and have always been a very free and independent spirit, travelling a lot and hopping from job to job, living in different countries. Moreover, I'm chronically ill (autoimmune disease) and when I have a flare-up, I can barely take care of myself. I just could not see how I would handle it.

I realised at some point that I really do want kids and have always wanted kids, but I would have let fear stop me (fear of change, fear of not being good enough as a mother because of my suboptimal health). When I realised that, that is when I decided I had to try and go for it, or regret it forever. Fortunately my DH was still happy to do this with me, despite his own fears and doubts. He has never doubted I'll be a good mum. (And I have never doubted he'll be a great dad).

Of course, the decision is up to you! But from what I gather from your OP, these are all very normal fears, and you would very likely be fine. So many people far younger and in far less financially stable situations have kids, so many people are awkward around other people's kids but are wonderful and loving once they have their own (there's a double standard there - somehow women are always expected to be naturally great with babies whereas men who awkwardly hold the baby away from them are just "sorta cute and hapless men" and not automatically "bad fathers" - please don't let that double standard affect you). I have no kids yet - and this being the "conception" forum we might not be the best audience to alleviate your fears - but I just wanted to say your post resonated with me, too.

It is totally different with your own. You’ll love them like you’ve never loved anyone/thing before. I have limited patience with other people’s kids tbh, but have a shed load for my own!

I have a ds 4 and I'm not a natural kid person even now.I only like my son really lol.Everyone's different.

I was in the opposite position, always wanted children yet was told I was infertile. Had reconciled okay, I will never have children...

Then, it turned out my prognosis was wrong and I had conceived.

My world was turned 100% upside down and I love my daughter, ever since I found out I was pregnant and just thought, wow. This little determined creature hanging on to life like a thread, and that's how she is, stubborn and determined and filled with joie de Vivre...

Except the downsides of being stubborn & determined are huge. The sheer work and effort when in a precarious financial position. The fact that the demands are constant, you can't just get on with anything.

I don't want to say I regret having her because she is wonderful and lovely and kind, but she is definitely a one and only, for many reasons. People always say 'its different when it's your own!' and I'm sure for them it's true, but there is so much stigma to saying actually, sometimes it's not, and sometimes when she's asking me to play with her and I have literally no idea what she wants the little plastic dog to do or say, I feel less in tune with her than I did looking after my partner's nephew or my little cousins. It gets easier as she gets older but if it's not what you want, there's no shame in that.

@Rixera - thank you for that perspective. Honest and valuable (and I think also normal)!

I know what you mean. You need to be in a stable place in life to have kids and as the messed up system we live in means most people only get to some kind of stability in their 30s, it means you kind of get about ten minutes of great lifestyle before you have kids and start making it all less stable and fun.
A few thoughts:

• Don't worry about not liking other people's children. The fun bit about children is watching them develop from day to day and building a relationship with them. It's the difference between building a garden and visiting one for an afternoon.
• Whatever you do, your social world will not stay as it is now. Friends will have children and back off from socialising so much. It can happen within a few years in your 30s. You don't get to choose this way of life forever, whether you have kids or not.
• Forget about pressure from family. It's your choice, not theirs. They won't be bringing up the kids. It's hard to predict how much help they will provide.
• Weddings are stressful to organise. You and DP should be on the same page about kids before marrying but don't be stressing yourself out by thinking you have to do everything within a limited time.
• I think it's important to work out how important your careers are to you and what your arrangement would be with children - would one of you go part-time? The thing with careers is they can go pop whatever you do, with a sudden round of redundancies or whatever. If I had a dream job that I'd worked really hard for I'd consider not having kids for the sake of it, but if it's just an enjoyable job that may or may not stand the test of time, I wouldn't prioritise it over kids.
• The other slightly inconvenient thing is that having a family can take years - conceiving can take a year even if there are no fertility problems, and if you want more than one then I'd allow at least a year before getting pregnant again. So if you have two, from getting pregnant with the first to going back to work after maternity with a second could be about five years.
• Reassurance though - no one knows if they really really want kids, but once you have them you have no option but to get on and enjoy it. It's impossible to know for sure because you don't know what your future child will be like. It's like asking if you love a spouse in an arranged marriage before you've met them. It's a rollercoaster you strap yourself into and that's the choice, from then on it's just dealing with the hard bits and enjoying the good bits.

So my advice would be: take a year or two to chill out and enjoy your child-free lovely house and lives - go out and enjoy your freedom as much as you can, then have kids if you want to. There's absolutely no way to make it a smooth thing that doesn't disrupt your life, but I think only a tiny number of people truly regret having done it. If you decide not to have kids, enjoy your freedom to the utmost.

"The only fear I have that's bigger than all the rest is that I will regret it forever if I don't have children*

I want that experience

For me, the above pretty much indicates that you have decided to have children and that you need to reconcile this with the parts of your brain that are listing all the negatives and risks associated with this decision. It will absolutely be life changing and may well be the source of some of the most difficult, heart breaking and exhausting experiences you will ever have, but there are also so so many positives that can come from having children too. Whether you will take to motherhood or not is always a bit of a gamble and as with anything in life there will be those that regret going for it, but equally there are those who wish they gave it a shot and had that experience. I think based on what you have written that if you didn't try to have children then you may well fall into the latter group.

It's entirely your decision and echo that although your parents and in laws may want grandchildren, it's not up to them! I never warmed to the idea of kids until I had chemo (totally fine and well now) and I was told to prepare myself for infertility that I thought actually I do want children. Luckily for me I conceived naturally twice, two lovely children. It is very different when they are your own, in a good way, it's hard work but the joy they bring is lush. I think at the moment you should enjoy being engaged and enjoy be married for some time before you jump in, we were married four years before kids and it was great having that time before we felt ready for children. But at the end I'd the day it's your uterus, your decision If it gets occupied or not xx

By the way, science says that having kids makes you less happy, and your relationship less good. It's also the worst thing you can possibly do for the environment. If we would look at it rationally, we would never go for it. Most of us don't look at it rationally. This allows us to survive as a species. Hurrah.

I was in your exact position before I got married. Even as a child I never wanted to have children, then before I got married to my DH neither of us were sure it was for us. The thought terrified me and I don't particularly like children. We got married then about a year later along came my gorgeous nephew who I absolutely adore and I saw a completely different side to children. Almost overnight my feelings changed. We started ttc over 8 months ago and not had any luck and now find I wish we had started trying earlier, and the thought of not having a family now makes me really sad. It is funny how your feelings can change! I wouldn't put pressure on making a decision now, just get married and have the conversation again after things have settled once you're married.

I detest other people’s children and am always glad to see the back of them. But I adore my own(even when they’re being horrors!)

Yes, exactly this 😊⬆️