Talk me down please

[Ithinktomyself]

3 days until period due. Not actively trying as after two failed rounds of IVF we decided to be happy with the lovely DS we have. Only had sex once this month.

Today I have a lot of saliva and a strong metallic taste in my mouth which will not shift. My boobs feel like I've pulled a muscle. I have face cream on which is, for the first time ever, almost unbearably fragrant.

I know there is no point peeing on a stick yet and I can't mention it to DH until I know for sure (he would just worry) so I really just wanted to say it out loud.

If I am, it'll have a massive impact on us all as we had built a life based upon the assumption that we would always be a family of three. That's not to say I don't want it, just it will not be as unamiguously brilliant as it would have been three years ago.

I don't know why I'm posting. I want to know one way or another so that I can make plans. I'm likely to miscarry anyway.

I haven't been in your situation so don't really know what to say but didn't want to read and run.

It sounds like you do want to be pregnant but are worried that it'll re-open a chapter you thought you'd shut?

When did your IVF end? If you're having this stress and worry each month that you're "not trying" then it seems like an unpleasant kind of limbo to be in.

Early response tests should pick up at 3 days before period is due.

Good luck OP. Sounds like even though you've built your life around s family of three a new baby would be really loved.

Thanks both. I'm not going to test yet because I wouldn't trust the result whatever it was.

There are many practicalities to consider and of course the impact on my DS who is a touch autistic. The plan was always to have two fairly close together but that didn't work. The age gap now would be bigger than that of me and my sister and frankly I have always felt like a bit of an inconvenience. It pains me to think that I'm already thinking about this (possible) baby in these terms.

We have a puppy who is hard work but our DS loves him (as do I) but I just don't know how we would manage him. Plus where the hell is a baby going to GO?

And this is probably all a momumental waste of brain power and worry as I've already miscarried once this year (and went through this whole thought process then as well - didn't reach any useful conclusions then either but did end up on ADs which I'm still taking.

I feel like I'm in a "be careful what you wish for" scenario and I hate myself for it even though I'm already planning names and picturing family outings.

I should add that I am only 10dpo so the chances of these being actual symptoms are low.

10dpo isn't necessarily too early to have symptoms because implantation could have happened already.

Just try and keep calm about it (and vent as much on here as you need to). No amount of wanting or not wanting it will change the outcome.

Are you seeing a therapist - might be helpful to work through your feelings with someone if that's an option for you. You sound quite conflicted and stressed.

Take care of yourself

Yes, you are right. I am currently Schrodinger's Cat in Possible Pregnant Woman form. I feel a bit more relaxed today for various reasons - not least because symptoms seem to have disappeared. It is probably all in my head.

No, I'm not seeing a therapist. I was offered CBT when I went on the ADs but it just didn't strike me as the sort of help I need. I think what I need is to woman up and deal with stuff as it happens rather than just obsessing over what might be.

Ah well that was all a storm in a teacup. Early period spotting has begun. And inevitably I'm now feeling very disappointed.

There's no pleasing some people!

"Schroedinger's cat in possible pregnant woman form" 😂 that made me laugh.

Not obsessing over what might be is easier said than done - I feel like I spend half my life daydreaming about what might happen if x, y, z happens. Waste of time really but entertaining as long as it doesn't get overwhelming.

Sorry that you've started spotting and are disappointed.