Support during early miscarriage

[Pickingflowers]

Hi there,

Anyone around to chat about feelings during early miscarriage? A few days ago I miscarried our first pregnancy at 5:2, early days but I still feel devastated.

Encouragement needed to get through this as terrible day yesterday and I still can't eat. Awful headaches too, which I suspect are hormones.

Apologies in advance if I'm not supposed to start a new thread for these sorts on thing... new to Mumsnet x

Hey I recently had one on Monday I was meant to be 5w1 but started heavy bleeding. I too have had the headaches I didn't know they could be hormone related. It really sucks doesn't it I hope you have someone supporting you x

Sorry to hear @anitagreen it's really horrible isn't it? I tend to get hormonal headaches every other AF or so, so I'm guessing that's what it is. Just feeling really sick too.

My DH is being pretty good but I suspect he thinks I should be getting back to normal now. I don't think men can ever quite get it as we have all the hormones to deal with too x

My husband is the same he keeps saying to me oh not this again when I talk about it, I think deep down he is upset but he isn't an emotional person so tends not to show any emotion to me much which is annoying. I'm sill bleeding quite heavily I am just hoping it stops soon. I've been trying to keep myself busy but I think the night time is the worst x

Sorry to hear the sad news I had two early mmc - but my third pregnancy was successful and I have a lovely daughter...so the future is definitely positive for you.

Having said that, I still remember how I felt after each loss and can only send many hugs. What helped me was to take each day as it comes, each hour in fact. Sometimes I felt fine, other times I wanted to stay inside and just be quiet by myself. Allow yourself to heal (and you will) over time. Some people find it helpful to somehow commemorate their baby - I didn't do this at the time as I was trying to force myself through to feeling better.. With hindsight I wish I'd done something to say goodbye, however small. Everyone is different though and do whatever works for you. Oh, and ignore anyone who says 'at least it was early' or 'at least you got pregnant' it astounded me how many people said this!

Xxx

It's hard to move on and forget about it and stop talking about it when we are still bleeding isn't it!? My husband recently hurt his ribs and went on about it for weeks - and that's without all the emotional and mental anguish that we have.
Hope you feel better soon xx

Hi @Pickingflowers, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope I can offer you some comfort and be there if you need to chat, I too went through a miscarriage last Oct at almost 6 weeks pregnant and my fiancé and I were devastated to say the least, the pregnancy was a surprise but I couldn't believe how much of a failure I felt after I miscarried and still do feel like that sometimes a year on as I still haven't managed to conceive yet again.
I know it sounds ridiculous but it will get better, I felt like I was at rock bottom for a few months and still have my sad days now, but you can't blame yourself for what has happened. I sat and thought of every possible thing I could have done wrong, or did or didn't do and I can't tell you how much of a waste of time it is, I was dragging my poor partner down with me and it caused quite a few arguments and we did almost take a break, I do know I was unbearable to live with for those few months as I was so down. A few close friends and my mum didn't seem to understand as they kept saying it was so early and almost made out that I shouldn't be as devastated as I was, that was really hard too and please remember to not let anyone talk down to you on how you are feeling - you have every right to feel the way you do no matter how early it was.
When I had my miscarriage I desperately reached out here on Mumsnet for support and had lots of mixed replies on things, I also desperately flung myself back into TTC and it couldn't have been a worse thing to do as I got more frustrated when I didn't conceive straight away again and it all felt so forced as I desperately tried to get back what I lost, and none of it felt fun anymore.
My best advice would be to keep your partner close (or if you aren't together, friends and family) lots of cuddles and affection are needed at a hard time like this. Warm baths and hot water bottles comforted me for the pain too. Try not to sit and dwell on it, easier said than done I know, but I look back at last year and can't believe what a mess I was, no matter what anyone told me at the time didn't change how I felt, I went into a dark place and it took me some time to get out. Please just don't be hard on yourself, it took me a good few months to start believing that it's just "one of these things" that can happen unfortunately after doctors kept telling me and I searched online desperately for answers. Another thing I wish someone would have told me is to step away from the computer and to not obsess over the internet and search for answers or other peoples stories, I know I can't talk as I'm sitting here giving you advice and my story, but it drove me crazy comparing my situation to someone else's and what they had and I didn't etc. It made me feel even more alone.
Time to focus on yourself, take a break, go for a spa day or do something simple like go for a walk or make a plan to do something, take each day as it comes and remember to acknowledge how you're feeling. Maybe speak to a doctor and see if there is any advice or helplines they can offer you, as I wish I had done at the time instead of sitting alone crying. I sat at home every day obsessing over why this happened to me and I still don't have my answer, but I feel better in myself knowing I couldn't have stopped what happened and it obviously wasn't meant to be. I'm here to chat if you need OP.
Please keep your chin up x

@Pickingflowers

I am so so sorry to read this. It's one of the toughest thing a human being can experience, I don't care what anyone says. It is deeply traumatising, emotionally and physically.

I have no words, I've been through it and nothing helps except having this awful experience acknowledged by the people who love you.
I can relate to a certain extent (though we all experience this so differently)
My experience was we lost our beautiful little one at 9 weeks. It was a missed miscarriage. I do know that it does not make a jot of difference if the baby is lost at 9 weeks or 9 months, you have lost your future either way.
We lost another one a few weeks later, then my DP told me he refused to try again (ever). I was in complete darkness for 2 years. I couldn't speak or look at other pregnant women, I lost friends. Some of DP's family turned against me and said some truly awful things.
You will find out who your real friends are, and even possibly gain some new ones. It's a real life turner.

Anyway, fast forward two years later and DP agreed on my birthday in June to try again.
It's been the longest two years of my entire life and I never ever want to go back to that darkness, but this is just to say that things can change. Good things can happen out of what seems like the most shitty time.
Personally we still have a lot of hurdles to cross - I have PCOS, we both had mumps after our last MC (can cause infertility in males), we are both approaching 40. We have so much against us, but we are infinitely stronger and remain positive that we will hold our beautiful rainbow baby.

Just talk to people who you trust. It may not be your DP, it may not be your best friend or your closest family member, it may be someone you least expect. Do not try to be strong (no matter what people tell you), be sad, scream, cry, punch a pillow. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel. When you have happy days, don't feel guilty, either!

Sending you lots of luck for the future xx

I’m really sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking and takes time to grieve and process. Don’t rush your feelings.

Everyone is different but I did find that doing nice things as a couple helped get me through. We planned stuff - concerts, theatre, holidays etc and I took a bit of a ‘fake it until you make it’ approach and then I’d find that I was having fun, or I had actually managed to forget for a bit. My DH also didn’t like to talk about it, and he was much more able to compartmentalise how he felt (impossible when it’s your body). So I talked to people on line, and it really helped.

I’m also a pretty stoical sort, and I think my DH was surprised that I needed looking after as I’ve never been that person. I had to tell him that I did, but then he got it. You might find that you need to tell your DH what you need exactly.

Sorry for your loss. It gets easier. At the time I wanted to do something to commemorate the loss but I’m glad I didn’t - wouldn’t want to be reminded of it constantly when the memory of the trauma & pain has faded. Good luck & don’t shun the painkillers - they got me through x

@karryk oh this is so true! My mum keeps saying things like 'Oh! I thought you were 9 weeks, you were only 5, you were barely pregnant then' and 'well, at least you aren't like so-n-so's daughter, she had to give birth after the baby had died' and 'what about ** she tried for 7 years and you got pregnant really quickly'. I do understand that other people have terrible times but that isn't going to diminish how I feel right now about this.
So sorry you've gone through it too. I'm so happy to read that you have a daughter now. How did you feel when you were pregnant again after the miscarriage, if you don't mind me asking? We want to try again quite soon as I'm 37 and I'm worried that I'll be so, so anxious. I also have a fairly stressful teaching job and am thinking about quitting loads of my responsibilities if it will have a negative impact on any future pregnancies xx

Please please give yourself all the time and space you need - there is no deadline on grief and you have experienced a loss. I had an early mc at 6 weeks after IVF in Feb. Don’t underestimate the physical symptoms - no one really explained to me that the hormones hang around for a while so I got really worried when I was breathless and lightheaded. The hormone rollercoaster really upset my tummy and also the relaxin had caused some muscles in my back to weaken and I was in agony even after the bleeding stopped. A nurse said to me ‘you’ll feel better once your period is back’ but it took a wee while after to physically feel better. Also I rushed back to work thinking it was best - then got an informal warning as ‘I was making people feel awkward’ (whole other story). I was petrified about trying again (slightly different situation as I had some embryos on ice so had some control over trying) but a very very honest and kind consultant explained to me that it was just about getting the sweet spot between a genetically good embryo and a receptive uterine lining, we had another frozen transfer in June and it stuck. It’s still very early days for you but if these feelings hang around into next week I’d recommend seeing your GP for a referral for counseling or seeing one privately if that’s any option. Please take care of yourself

@webster144 @Frazzlerock @SnowBambino @Melamine thank you so much ladies, for your warm words and for sharing your stories. This is all such helpful advice that I can take from. I'll definitely go for some walks and planning things together. Thank you.

My DH has been really lovely and supportive but I just think now he wants to get back to normal and think about trying again. My brother and sister-in-law announced their pregnancy yesterday and I that has been rather a set back to how I'm feeling. DH has said he would tell his parents about our miscarriage (and I think that it's important that he does- I don't understand why miscarriage is so often not discussed) but I'm not sure he will want to now so as not to take the shine off their news.

I'm now worried that I can't eat and will lose weight and it will be harder to conceive next time. I just want to be pregnant again as soon as we can be. Xx

Oh thank you @Blondiecub0109 I can really recognise the hormones hanging around, and I really think that these are partly the reason I'm feeling so so bad at the moment.

Work have been very supportive, I have the loveliest motherly head of department - I can't believe they were so awful to you for talking about it. I find it so strange that we are encouraged not to talk about early pregnancy or tell people, when the first trimester is the one often with the worst symptoms and that if you do lose it you need people rather than hiding it! Xx

@Blondiecub0109 I'm so glad to hear that your second IVF stuck. It really does feel like such a tenuous chance thing, getting pregnant and having a successful pregnancy- you just aren't warned in your 20s how hard it can be. I seem to have so many friends who have struggled to get pregnant, or who can't or have miscarried. It's so cruel. Xx

. I just want to be pregnant again as soon as we can be This is such a strong 'need' after MC (certainly in my experience). I have found it overwhelming and it can really haunt you. I do hope that your DH is happy to try again too, when only one of you feels this it can really screw your head up.
Re your brother and SIL, this sucks (for you), but it will happen time and time again and it will hurt like a knife to the ovaries. I think it is very wise to tell the family about your MC. Mainly so that they can (hopefully) be understanding of your need to take a step back from the pregnancy news for the meantime.

Regarding your worries, you can't help that. I won't tell you to try not to worry, because that would be patronising and well, you can't not worry! All you can do is take steps to relax your mind and body. Every single minute of breathing or yoga or meditation or whatever suits you, is one less minute of worry

@Frazzlerock I feel very much how you have described regarding one minute I feel ok, the next I don't want to leave the house.
I'm glad your husband has agreed to try again and I hope it all works out for you despite the things that seem against you.
We read so many positive stories don't we, but I always think 'that's all very well but it hasn't happened for me yet.'
I tried to explain to my DH yesterday, that yes we can be hopeful, but we can't see in to the future. We have no way of knowing what is ahead of us. I look out of the kitchen window and imagine our children playing on the swing we have on our old apple tree but it's just a mirage. I've no way of knowing if that will ever happen.
Sound like I'm going a bit mad!! Xx

@Frazzlerock thank you, I've never tried yoga but I might look up a YouTube on it later as I'm home alone today.

DH suggested it, so he's happy to try again quite soon thankfully. He was so excited and is a positive person so I think I will start to find his positivity encouraging, maybe when all the hormones have gone.

I'm trying to be happy for B and SIL but I feel jealous! We've got two weddings coming up the next few weekends and we both would have been pregnant xx

Jealousy is a horrid feeling, as we are all conditioned to it being such an awful negative feeling and you will feel terrible for feeling it. However, please remember it is entirely natural! Don't feel bad, of course you are jealous, you are human. Feel it and let that feeling do its thing. It'll soon pass if you let it come and go organically, rather than trying to fight it.
I still have jealous feelings towards pregnant women, I don't worry about it these days (I guess easy for 'TTC me', rather than the 'dark me' of the past two years). I just look away. I even moved to another carriage on the train the other day, rather than sit there desperately trying not to be jealous. You have to do what is right for you.

I'm so pleased your DH is on board with trying again. I wouldn't want anyone going through what I have. There's your first hurdle crossed enjoy it and have fun trying again. Try not to get bogged down with apps and online groups encouraging charting and tracking and all that. I've realised it has only fueled the stress of TTC.
I've recently taken myself off FB as I had joined so many groups (PCOS, miscarriage, TTC etc) and became obsessed. This cycle I am taking a huge breather from it all.

Anyway, I am speaking from 2.5 years down the line, like I said it was the longest time of my life so it seems like a lifetime ago. This is all so fresh for you, do what you need to do to get through each day, and take each day as it comes.

I had a mmc at 8weeks & found out my 12 week scan just over 5 weeks ago now. It’s a slow journey but It will get better I promise just take your time. I’ve gone through so many emotions it’s unreal. At one point I felt really bitter and jealous of people but then I try to remember that that’s their baby not mine! I want my and my hubbys baby! It’s a different journey. I had a hectic social life before I found out I was pregnant in July. I would love going out for drinks at the weekend,but after my Mc I hid away and turned down so many invites from people to go out. If it makes any sense I had this thing where I didn’t want to drink as I gave that up for my then baby and was willing to for the next 6 months and by drinking it would be like I’m returning back to the life before baby that I didn’t want to go back to. I loved being pregnant 😢 Anyway I plucked up the confidence to go out for a few drinks with friends Saturday night and it did me the world of good! I danced, laughed & felt like the old me. Recently I been obsessing about conceiving, frantically googling and researching when will I conceive again or why it happened and will it happen again etc etc and that it was taking control over me. I’m still sad and have shit days don’t get me wrong but slowly I’m looking forward to other things like a mini break, a spa day and Christmas. I also told myself how hopefully how easy it would be to conceive hopefully however now after relaxing a little & thinking logically I’m going to let my body do what it’s got to do ! Just had AF arrive so what will be will be in my eyes now. Please remember to look after yourself, take time out where needed and don’t compare yourself to anyone else because we are all different ❤️ Xxx

@Pickingflowers I actually wasn't the totally jibbering nervous wreck that I thought I might be! I was definitely somewhat anxious until after the 21 week scan...then I had a glorious second trimester before the worries set in for the final leg (you naturally start to think about what might go wrong when you're so close). I didn't buy any baby stuff until I was just over 30 weeks it's sad but I found in my case that the miscarriages took away some of the innocent joy that I had in the early stages of my first pregnancy. Back then I didn't think miscarriage would happen to me (naive, considering my age, but hey) and for the duration of my successful pregnancy I was very aware that things could go wrong, not to the point of obsessing about it, but I was vigilant to it. I suppose it gives you a more realistic perspective when you've been through loss. Ladies on my yoga course were buying baby clothes at 16 weeks and I just didn't feel I could...just in case. Everyone is different though and you may find you have a different experience

I wish you lots of glittery baby dust and that you have your little rainbow bub soon