Considering conceiving via donor - impact on child?

[expatia]

Hello,

I'm a 37 year old single woman and am seriously looking at having a child on my own using sperm donation. I've recently been investigating what the potential impact on donor children is of not knowing their father, and I've come across some very negative stories and testimonies from donor kids. It's obviously not the case with everyone but it seems that many hold real resentment towards their mothers, feel they have been selfish in wanting a child alone or that it was their own fault for focusing too much on their careers, feel that they have stolen their right to know their father and in some cases even go so far as to say they feel alienated from their families and as if they shouldn't be in this world.

I would really like to hear from anyone with experience of this, people who have conceived via donors or donor children themselves. I am also considering co-parenting or finding an open ID donor that would be willing for the child to know them. Some people suggest that the way in which it is handled, for example being honest/lying about true father makes a difference?

I don't want to give up on having a child and I would consider adoption too but I do have the biological urge to bear a child myself. I have tried very hard to find a relationship in which I could have a family, but unfortunately it just hasn't worked out. But some people do seem to think this is just selfish, and I would certainly never want to do anything that brought unhappiness to a child.

Grateful for all thoughts and perspectives.

There was a similar thread a few day ago.

Children, if they were conceived by sperm donation, are now able to trace their fathers. What sort of a man donates sperm to father children he will probably never know and for whom he will have no responsibility?
They are often students and do it for the money. There's something unsavoury about that.

Bringing up a child alone is not easy at all. There's plenty of evidence for that on this message board alone!

Having the biological urge to bear a child is something most women experience but that is no reason to go ahead and do it; no-one has the right to a child and plenty of single people lead fulfilling lives without one, even if they did want a child at certain times. We can't always have everything we want just because we want it.

I've no idea about children resenting their mothers because of being conceived by donor, I expect some do and some don't. Children resent their parents at times for all sorts of things but if the love is there, it passes.

You could still meet someone you know - you're not past it yet! I hope you do but all good wishes for whatever you decide.

Thank you Rebecca36! I shall have a look for that other thread too.

There are a number of women on MN who are starting or going through the process, plus a number with children born this way - have a look at the donor conception threads. There are also some excellent books available which talk about the affect on the child, and how to mitigate this.

Thank you Latenightreader, I will have a look at those threads.

I have had a child via donor sperm as a single mother.

Best decision ever. ( for me)

I thought hard for four years before I did and planned hard financially and emotionally and made sure I had support systems in place. (

Donor conception network gives great advice to help you and child.

There is also info from donor children and it seems honestly from beginning is very important and helpful.

I did read some research back when I was planning to do this that as we plan to have a baby on our own right from start, single mothers by choice handle parenting on our own slightly better than women who conceived when ina couple and are now a single parent as we never planned to do parent in a couple. We have normally planned financially to cope on our own and put support systems in place so we don't miss or have to figure it out once we have already had a routine/ certain finances/ house etc in place. Hopefully that makes sense and doesn't offend anyone. It's not meant to and I hope I've given the gist of the research correctly. For me, some days / nights can be hard but I feel so blessed.

Good luck and defo go on the donor conception thread and read some of the journeys on there and ask as many questions as you want xxxxx

OP, only you can make this decision and if you decide it's what you really want, I would suggest you seek advice specifically from people who have experience of it. That way you will bypass all the negative, judgemental comments you may well get from people who don't like the idea and probably have never walked in your shoes.

I personally doubt that any child out there regrets being alive because they don't know one of their parents! I do have one friend who does not know his father and he is fine about. Other than that, all I can say is good luck OP!x

This is academic/psychological literature on this. A lot of it is based on interviews and surveys. I'm not an author but I know it through my work.

For an accessible summary (available via Amazon), see:

S Golombok, Modern Families: Parents and children in new family forms
Synopsis: Modern Families brings together research on parenting and child development in new family forms including lesbian mother families, gay father families, families headed by single mothers by choice and families created by assisted reproductive technologies such as in vitro fertilisation (IVF), egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation and surrogacy. This research is examined in the context of the issues and concerns that have been raised regarding these families. The findings not only contest popular myths and assumptions about the social and psychological consequences for children of being raised in new family forms but also challenge well-established theories of child development that are founded upon the supremacy of the traditional family. It is argued that the quality of family relationships and the wider social environment are more influential in children's psychological development than are the number, gender, sexual orientation, or biological relatedness of their parents or the method of their conception.

For individual research papers, see e.g. (this is just the tip of the ice-berg):

Zadeh, S., Jones, C., & Golombok, S. (2017). Children’s thoughts and feelings about their donor and security of attachment to their solo mothers in middle childhood. Human Reproduction, 32(4), 868-875.

Golombok, S. (2017). Parenting in new family forms. In M. van IJzendoorn & M. Bakermans-Kranenburg (Eds.) Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 76-80. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2017.02.004.

Golombok, S., Zadeh, S., Imrie, S., Smith, V., & Freeman, T. (2016). Single mothers by choice: Mother-child relationships and children’s psychological adjustment. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 409-418. dx.doi.org/10.1037/fam0000188

Zadeh, S., Freeman, T. & Golombok, S. (2016). Absence or presence? Complexities in the donor narratives of single mothers using sperm donation. Human Reproduction, 31, No. 1, 117-124.

Golombok, S., Blake, L., Casey, P., Roman, G., & Jadva, V. (2013) Children born through reproductive donation: A longitudinal study of child adjustment. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 54, 653-660. doi:10.1111/jcpp.12015.

Golombok, S. (2013) Families created by reproductive donation. Child Development Perspectives, 7(1), 61-65.

Blake, L., Casey, P., Jadva, V. & Golombok, S. (2013) “I was quite amazed”: Donor conception and parent-child relationships from the perspective of the child. Children and Society, doi:10.1111/chso.12014.

Freeman, T. & Golombok, S. (2012) Donor insemination: A follow up study of disclosure decisions, child adjustment and family relationships at adolescence. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 25, 193-203.

Golombok, S., Readings, J., Blake, L., Casey, P., Mellish, L., Marks, A. & Jadva, V. (2011) Children conceived by gamete donation: The impact of openness about donor conception on psychological adjustment and parent-child relationships at age 7. Journal of Family Psychology, 25, No. 2, 230-239.

Jadva, V., Freeman, T., Kramer, W. & Golombok, S. (2010) Experiences of offspring searching for and contacting their donor siblings and donor. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 20, 523-532.

Golombok, S. & Badger, S. (2010) Children raised in fatherless families from infancy: A follow-up of children of lesbian and single heterosexual mothers in early adulthood. Human Reproduction, 25, No. 1, 150-157.

Jadva, V., Badger, S., Morrisette, M. & Golombok, S. (2009) “Mom by choice, single by life’s circumstance….” Findings from a large scale survey of the experiences of women who are ‘single mothers by choice’. Human Fertility, 12, 175-184.

I haven't read all of this thread but just wanted to say theee's a whole section on donor conception so you'll get further responses if you post in there!