I've NC'd for this because I'm a semi-regular poster on this board, but I would like the benefit of an anonymous post for this.
Me and DH have been trying to TTC for the last three months. I would have started sooner, but DH wanted to wait until a work thing for him had resolved itself.
When we did start trying, I then felt the pressure for it to happen quickly because I already felt we were several months behind because of the wait. It's also adding to my anxiety each month when we have issues dtd.
For context, DH and I don't have a massive sex drive. We both work long hours in stressful jobs, so sex tends to happen a handful of times in a month, generally at weekends. Since we've been ttc, the frequency has actually gone down.
DH is in his early 40s (I'm mid 30s) and has always had trouble "finishing". We've never really finished with PinV which, before ttc, wasn't a problem and we always really enjoyed our sex life. It takes a fair amount of work for DH to be able to climax. He always does, but it's very rarely through intercourse.
DH is now having major performance anxiety, and compounded by the above, it's a becoming a big issue and I don't know what to do.
There's no way I could just "not tell him when I'm ovulating to take the pressure off". If we don't have intercourse as a matter of course, I wouldn't be instigating that at any other time of the month so he'd know straight away. I can't really suggest to him that we just try to do it more regularly becuase our natural sex drives would mean that would be quite a big ask for us both and I think we would still be so aware the purpose is baby making so that won't take the pressure off either. None of that resolves the issue that he finds it so hard to climax inside me either.
I just don't know what to do and what to suggest. DH will talk about it to a certain extent, but he then says he doesn't want to let me down and that "everything will be fine". He will also try to reassure me that it's because he's too hot, too tired or too dehydrated but I think the real issue is that he just can't finish in the way that he needs to for baby making. He definitely wants children, I have no reason at all to doubt that, but I do think he has the very normal nerves about it which is adding to the pressure.
I'm now thinking of suggesting we try at home insemination so that sex can become just about us again, but I'm worried about the chances of that actually working.
I don't really know if there is a solution, but talking here at least gives me the chance to get it off my chest. If anyone can think of anything we could try that may help, that would be very very welcome. Thank you.